Wednesday, July 30, 2014

Not horny, time for a life change

My mind is so scattered.  So I'm not horny, and when I say not horny I mean I'm not seeking out porn.  If I attempt to stimulate myself in the shower, I'm still flacid.  It's a weird feeling, but I think I really need to ride this out so I can feel real feelings.

Another thing I'm changing in my life besides embracing my femme side, losing weight.  I think if you asked a hundred crossdressers what the one honest thing they wish they could change about themselves, the majority vote probably isn't going to honestly be I wish I had boobs or a vagina, they probably wish they had a better body.  Every crossdresser is stimulated by beauty, and unfortunately we are a vain bunch that enjoy looking at the female body more than most.

I've been heavy pretty much my whole life, even growing up.  Well ok, maybe since 8-9 (most kids aren't fat, it's conditioned as they grow up).  When I hit high school, I lost a bunch of weight.  Not skinny mind you, but major weight loss (I think I was skateboarding a lot).  I slowly regained the pounds and remained so well into my 20's.  I ate crappy food, I drank tons of soda, no wonder why I was gaining.  Then when I turned 35, I decided to start with cutting out soda.  This helped tremendously, and I went from probably 335lbs to about 290 and plateaued.  I would lose a pound or two here or there but nothing major.  Then finally I got really sick for a good 2 weeks, so I wasn't eating hardly anything.  Bam, I dropped to 270lbs.  Then we started going to the gym, and doing 4-6 5k races every summer, and by 37 I was looking pretty dam good:

I got myself down to 245lbs which is a decent weight being 6'5".  This is one of my crossdressed photos when I was at my lowest weight:

So fast forward to today, and I'm back up to about 290lbs.  It's not a total relapse, but still not where I want to be.  For the last 2-3 months I've been eating healthy lunches, trying to limit sweets, eating soups / salads for dinner, really not losing anything.  My wife is also on a planned meal diet, and although she's lost 10lbs, it's the kind of diet that's very calorie restrictive and she should be losing more.  Granted we cheat now and then, nothing that should throw us off that badly.  Also I question what's causing us to want to cheat.  If our bodies are getting what they're supposed to, shouldn't we be able to eat normally?  What's causing these cravings?

As you probably noticed, a big portion of america has gotten fatter.  Clothes are getting bigger, cars are getting bigger, it's really an epidemic.  You can blame HFCS, you can blame fast food, you can blame portion sizes, or maybe just america's laziness.  A lot of us have office jobs where we sit most of the day, we get home from a mind draining day and the last thing we want to do is workout.  We want to just plop down in front of the TV and eat our dinner and go to bed.

Personally, I avoid HFCS, I avoid fast food, I avoid sugar (I use monk fruit).  My daily caloric maximum should be between 2400-2600 calories, and besides snacks my meals range from 250-500 calories so I should be well below that number.  Although I don't workout like I should, I also don't just sit on the couch everyday.  If I'm not doing household chores nearly every night, I'm working on my hobby.  So you would think I could maintain at least a reasonable figure no?  Am I getting to that age where I really have to start working hard to fight my body's slowing metabolism?  Well I'm getting tired of being good and still having very good results so I started googling around.

First things first, leg cramp.  Yea, I was getting a really bad cramp, like if I was standing for more than 20 minutes I'd have to lean on my other leg bad cramps.  I thought I was getting some disease, my body was breaking down.  Then I discovered what is likely causing leg cramps, oh look aspertame.  I was already putting this crap in my body through water enhancers (I use mio now which uses splenda), and to boost that inktake I was chewing a LOT of gum to try to curb my snacking.  Read an article not only is the aspertame bad, tricking your body by making it think it's getting food when it's not, only makes you want to eat food.  Since cutting both of those out, I feel quite a bit better.

On to the next body hack.  What else could be causing my body not to lose weight, something that I know I do a lot of and isn't necessarily something our ancestors (who didn't have weight problems) might not be ingesting.  Oh right coffee.  Turns out this stuff is bad, and there's probably a good reason why a lot of america is fat, just look how many starbucks there are out there.  Now keep in mind, I don't have high calorie coffee (400 calories frappacinos).  I brew plain coffee, put in my 15-20 calories of fat free creamer in, add my zero calorie monk fruit, no problem right?  Well as it turns out coffee is bad, especially an addicting drug of a drink (I'm guilty, I have 3-5 cups every morning, even on the weekend when I've slept in).  Well this morning I didn't brew one, I want to see if I can stave myself off of it.  Me and my wife are both huge coffee drinkers, even on our 3rd keurig, but I want to experiment to see if pounds drop off not drinking any for a couple weeks.  Here's why coffee is bad:

* Over 700 volatile substances in coffee have been identified, including more than 200 acids  (ick)
* Caffeine raises blood pressure
* Caffeine increases homocysteine (a biochemical that damages artery walls)
* Caffeine promotes arrythmias
* Caffeine seems to give you energy but it is not real energy — only “chemical stimulation”. According to Cherniske, “The perceived ‘energy’ comes from the body’s struggle to adapt to increased blood levels of stress hormones (I doubt our bodies like being tricked)
* Cutting out caffeine can reduce and even eliminate chronic pain. Pain and tension in our bodies are related to the level of stress hormones in our bodies, which caffeine increases (there's that chronic pain in my leg)
* Caffeine damages the nervous system (vonderbar!)
* Coffee, even decaf, taxes your liver (sorry liver)
* Caffeine impairs digestion (aha, that whole food thing, getting closer)
* Caffeine elevates cortisol (which causes the body to convert sugars to fat, there's the weight gain)
* Caffeine taxes the adrenal glands, which in turn negatively affects your thyroid, sex hormones, and your metabolism (Oh thanks coffee, my thyroid regulates my fat burning, my metabolism is the start of fat burning, and I enjoy my sex hormones even if they aren't the right gender)
* Caffeine plays a role in hypoglycemia and blood sugar disorders. “As part of this (flight-or-flight stress) response, the liver rapidly raises blood sugar levels. This is felt as a ‘lift’ by the person who drank the coffee… but the body must then deal with the metabolic emergency of hyperglycemia (elevated blood sugar) (probably shouldn't be messing with the body's sugar levels, there's that fat burning concept again)
* Coffee plays a role in malnutrition. Caffeine causes an increased loss of thiamin and other B vitamins, calcium, minerals, sodium, chloride, potassium, magnesium, and zinc (ah, so when my body is stripped of those things, it probably triggers hunger so it can get more of what coffee stripped away)

So basically.. coffee is bad, M'kay?

Monday, July 28, 2014


So I'm about a week into no masturbating.  The weekend I was pretty much okay, today at work was a little hard.  I was getting really strong feelings inside, and not "I wanna bang every chic in the office" feelings.  I was filled with feelings of wanting to be penetrated, feelings of wanting to dress up, fantasies of wanting to suck cock really badly.  So bad in fact when I got home, I borrowed my wife's glass dildo and sucked on it for a few minutes just to fulfill that feeling.
I know what you're probably saying, you're trans!  You must explore this side of you!  Yea, in a way, I do.. but that's not to say I'd ever transition because I know deep down inside I like being a guy 95% of the time.  But yes, I really should embrace these feelings so I can see who truly I am after suppressing my inner woman for so many years.

Tuesday, July 22, 2014

male nail polish

So to start off with, I had an interesting interaction at a party store this weekend.  While picking up balloons for a party, the teenage hindu boy at the register had shoulder length black hair with a faded purple streak in his hair.  Didn't think much of it, have no idea what's hip these days, and punks have been doing that since the late 70's.
Then I look down at his hands as he's working the register, every single nail is sparkling with glitter purple nail polish!

My first reaction is "don't let him know you're staring, don't make him uncomfortable, act normal".  As me and my wife walk back to the car, I whisper "Did you notice his nails?", to which she says "of course" with a smile.  Thinking back, I wished I had given him a thumbs up while pointing to my nails, or something subtle like that.  I wanted so badly to let him know someone is cool with him rocking the ambiguous look.

Speaking of nail polish, while doing an image search for the photo above, I ran into this:

Snoop dogg gets his nails french manicured, how cool is that??

Monday, July 7, 2014

Gender dysphoria sucks.. when it's strong

So pretty much my entire life it seems like I've been able to control this female beast inside my head.  For some reason today it's really bothering me.  Maybe it's my mid-life hormones going goofy, maybe it's not masterbating for 5-6 days, I don't really know.  All I do know is that I nearly had a panic attack today.  It honestly felt like I was almost having an out of body experience, like even though I was attached to my body, it didn't feel like it was mine because it didn't feel right.

Last night I decided to attempt to half cross-dress.  Not my clothes mind you, just my face.  I had grown a pretty good stuble after not shaving the entire 3-day fourth of july weekend, so I decided to just shave the left side of my face, then proceeded to only apply makeup to that half.  It wasn't quite the dramatic effect, but it was interesting to see both halves of my inner being to compare them instantly side by side.  Wasn't the greatest makeup job, but it was also like 9pm at night and I didn't want to get detailed into makeup when I knew I had to remove it only an hour later.

So anyway, getting back to my dysphoria.  Something feels different about being in the middle lately.  I've always thought of this condition as being more of a blessing than a curse (feeling both sides of the fence and being a truly complete person), but lately it feels more like limbo.  I'm neither a male nor a female.  I present as male (because that's what society tells me I need to dress as), yet I long to be a woman inside.  So in both cases, I'm unhappy.  Hence, limbo gendered.  Think about other things in life that suck in being neither true or false, but in-between:

Death - limbo: Imagine you die, for some reason you don't go to heaven or hell, you just remain on the planet as a ghost.  Some might say that's cool, all the benefits of the living without worrying about food, illness, judgement.  Yea, and all the jealousy of the living, and nothing you do has any effect on anything.  You'd truly be unhappy pretty quick, and probably look for a way to get out of that mode

Sad / Happy - Limob: Imagine going through life everyday, and neither laughing nor crying.  You watch TV, you comprehend what's going on, you understand the story, but nothing makes you laugh, get scared, or anything.  You just absorb the material like some sort of lifeless robot.

Missing persons: Imagine a close family member goes missing.  Now, they could be alive, but they could also be dead.  You have no idea because they are missing, so there's no way to know what status they're in.  If you've ever been in that state for a day or two, you'd almost rather they be dead than missing but possibly be alive because at least then you'd have resolution.