Tuesday, July 26, 2016

Is gender dysphoria worse the further you get away from womanhood?

Been thinking about this more lately.. I think we all have this idea of what a textbook woman looks like.  Blonde, about 5 foot tall, skinny, boobs, sultry voice, long nails, high heels.  This isn't what every woman looks like, this is more of a character.  You could do the same for a man.  So two things I've struggled ALL my life are that I'm really tall (6'5"), and I have really big feet (size 14 mens).  Since crossdressing is often a coping mechanism, this makes it very challenging if not impossible in some aspects.  I can wear dresses sure, but even if it's long sleeve, it ends up looking like a partial sleeve (and never mind waist to chest ratio).  Then there's the shoes.  Yes, fortunately today we live in a world where we can order heels up to size 17 off the internet.. And they are mostly hooker heels for the most part.  Not bad if you're dressing up at home or I suppose an event, but if you ever had plans of dressing like other women (which is typically comfortable shoes like wedge heels, strappy sandals and the like), you're SOL.  I can't even find women's sneakers for that matter.  So much in fact that one day I decided I wanted to have female workout gear when I ran on the treadmill at home, so I bought a pair of generic white men's sneakers and took out my sharpies and colored them in pinks and purples.  Did they look like real women's shoes?  Not really, but they were close enough for the illusion I suppose.

Now I'm in my early 40's, that zone where the testosterone really starts to take it's toll, and you start to ponder herbal HRT to have some hope of holding back nature.  I still don't look bad, in fact I crossdressed last week and it was enjoyable, but there's always that ticking clock in the back of your head.

The other thing I've been looking into is male chastity.  Not for the usual reasons (which I would assume I like being submissive), though I suppose submissiveness and trying to play the female role sort of go hand in hand.  Part of me wonders if being trapped would be something I would enjoy, the other part is I wonder if I really need chastity in my life.  So many times I try to embrace my feelings, but I quickly do the deed to rid those thoughts and feelings.  I think a lot of us ignore our feelings, and just try to get by another day while we die inside a little more.  If I was forced to deal with them, maybe I could learn more about myself.  I've looked on amazon, they aren't that expensive.  I think one set I looked at is like $18.  My worry, or discomfort is watching videos of putting them on makes me squeamish.   While I'm ok with having a cock between my legs, I HATE my balls.  It's sort of weird to think of it that way, you would think they'd go hand in hand.  I hate them being touched, I hate looking at them.  Maybe it's because I had bad experiences as a kid when I racked them, not really sure.  Anyway, the thought of having to grab my sack, and sliding them through a ring makes me nautious.  Fortunately, some of them don't require this, they hinge open which means I just have to clamp it in the back.  I don't want to commit to purchasing one, so I'm actually 3d printing one as I type this from a model I found on thingiverse (isn't the internet interesting?)

Wednesday, July 20, 2016

dressing for a good reason

So I masturbated this morning in the shower.  I thought for sure getting the sexual tension out of me would put off my transgender side for a while.  Have had a stressful month with things going on in my life.  The last week things have been slowly turning around, and then today one of them reared it's ugly head back just when I thought my stress was gone for good.  Came home, did a couple quick things online, opened up a package of lashes I ordered from ebay china a few weeks ago that came in the mail.  It was a bargain, something like a dozen for $3-4?  Most lashes have soft lines that make it difficult to attach, these were cheap but in a good way.  The line was slightly hard, which meant it kept it's shape pretty well.  I pulled out my eyelash glue and went to town, and have to say these stay pretty well in place and feel good (has a nice upcurl).  So of course once I went down that road, I kept going.  Add some eyeshadow, put on a wig, add some earrings, continue dressing.  Wife came home in the middle, I yell down I'm dressing.  It's been hot this week, so I opted against the dress and just wore my women's tan shorts and brown lace top to stay cool.  After we finish leftovers from last night for dinner, my wife asks if I'm still hungry.  Of course I am, and as usual she suggests an order from the local dominos to which I reply no.  Her having knee issues, I'm usually the one getting up to get things, and in this case I'd be the one getting up to answer the door.  For a moment, I actually thought about whether I would ever have the guts to dress up and answer the door.  I mean most of the dominos employees are actually pretty friendly, and it would be an interesting experience.  I said out loud "Mayyybe if I wasn't dressed so hap-hazardly I would actually consider it".  And I honestly think if I keep dressing and getting some practice, I might be up for it.

So back to the (I'm the one getting up all the time because my wife has knee issues).  Lately I'm on this kick to put together a 50's housewife outfit like I said in my last post.  Not to push the point of "Well I guess I'm the one that wears the skirt in this relationship", but more of "Well if I'm going to be stuck doing the wife duties, I might as well dress the point and embrace that fantasy".  So seriously, I'm browsing through images, ebay, google stores.. I have a few cute dresses picked out.  Of course they're real dresses not costumes because they don't make any authentic looking ones in plus sizes.  I want to get a white maid apron.  Not frilly, just a plain white cotton apron.  I want to get a 50's style wig.  I want a pearl necklace with large pearls (sorta rocky horror-esque).  I may opt for some new heels, yellow dish gloves, the whole sha-bang.  I'm certain when I put it all together and dress up my wife will wonder what inspired me to dress like that, and I'll just be honest with her.

Tuesday, July 12, 2016

random thoughts - more gender dysphoria

Thought 1 - tried logging into crossdressers.com, haven't visited that site forever.  Couldn't remember my password, heck I wasn't entirely sure what my username is (it's changed a few times from various transgender sites).  I start typing in email addresses, none are coming up as valid.  Finally, one comes up as valid, and sure enough it's a comcast email I don't have access to anymore.  So then I'm on the hunt to figure out what the hell my username was.  I spend a half hour browsing through forum posts from early 2000's.  Then it hit me, I remember commenting on an autogynaphelia post.. I browse through a few using google, I finally find one of my posts.  So then it's a matter of trying a few passwords, and I'm finally back in.  I immediately change my email address to a google one I use regularly now.

Thought 2 - While driving the other day, I looked in my rear view mirror.  The woman driving behind me was wearing a really cute teal top which caught my eye right away.  Then I noticed she was a bit older, maybe late 50's, but still dressing hip.  One of my big worries is getting older, and how my thoughts will change even more.  When you're young, you're horny, you can pass much better when you crossdress, you're limber.  When you reach your 40's, you start to wonder how your testosterone is going to affect you, you wonder if you're so used to seeing your face that you don't realize how masculine you've gotten.  You dread having to dress age appropriate when all you want to do is wear tight sexy dresses and 5" heels.  Then thoughts of "well if you try hard enough, even if your face isn't what it used to be, you can feel good in beautiful clothing"

Thought 3 -  Had a meetup setup for last friday with a VERY local crossdresser.  Was going to meet at a public coffee shop, then head to my place to dress up and see what happens.  about 40 minutes before we meet, she tells me something is going on with her son, has to reschedule.  I say no problem , but then later I wonder did she get cold feet?  She change her mind?  We talked a bunch on KIK and it's been silent this past week (I had the last word).  Are all crossdressers even more shy than me?  How can we be happy if we don't hang out with our own and explore our feelings and thoughts?

Thought 4 - Feeling dysphoria again tonight.  I masturbated the last 2 nights, can't bare to do the deed tonight.  I just know it wouldn't even feel good, and it would only suppress my real feelings.  I read an article the other day about how no matter what intensity of dysphoria we feel, we negotiate with our head to push those feelings down so we don't have to deal with them.  I'm reminded of a GREAT story that Louis CK told that completely applies here.  He starts out about cell phones, but then goes into how we all text while driving because we don't want to be alone because we need that 30 second masterbation because we're willing to risk our lives and other's lives to not feel sad.  We're never really happy or sad, we're just kind of sort of satisfied.  His story goes on where he hears a bruce springsteen song on the radio and he knows it's going to make him sad, but rather than push it away, he embraces it and cries REALLY hard, but it feels good because of the endorphins your body creates to react to it.  It's a good watch: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5HbYScltf1c

Before my wife came home, I had an inkling to shop around ebay for 50's housewives dresses.  Most were rockabilly, and if you wanted a true polka dot dress with the white fold-over sleeves, they all looked like Lucille Ball dresses.  I have this idea that since my wife is getting some bad schedules at work where I might actually beat her home on occasion, sometimes by a couple hours (which means typically I start dinner) that maybe I could dress up as the housewive and really get into the role.  I know this wouldn't bother her, and it would make me feel good.  And so long as I'm doing housework, she's especially good with it.  My only issue I'm struggling with is the time suck.  The time it takes to get ready (if you want to look half-way decent), and the worry and time suck of dressing down depending on how deep of a hole you go down.  The thing I like wearing the most out of anything are artificial nails, and although some of the adhesive pads work pretty good, I've still had many occasions where the nails will pop right off with minimal force, or if I do dishes the water loosens up the glue.  Now sure, I can go ahead and glue them on, but have fun taking those off without soaking each nail in acetone for 5 minutes.  I'm usually willing to take that risk if it's the weekend (because I have time), but the thought of panicking during the work week when they don't come off, and I have to get the dremel tool to grind off the artificial nail without going through the real nail scares me.