been a while, lots of things happened..

Sex

So like maybe, 2 months ago?  My wife decided to do this sex quiz (there's like 5 categories).  I turned out to be Kinky "which sort of makes sense".  My wife ended up with shapeshifter (which I assumed I would have), but it's not that shapeshifting.  It means she needs a lot of variety (and she is very willing, if not desired to constantly change her role).  Well that lead us to buying some sex toys, and one thing we tried which was AMAZING was we bought a small strap-on (but also a larger vibrating one), and it felt so good.  I don't think I ever gasped that much during sex (or felt so good without ejaculating).  So I also bought a toy for me which was an arcwave.  Not cheap ($200), but basically you stick your cock in this rubbery chamber, and it doesn't really vibrate but sends airwaves at the bottom tip.  This means the orgasm is a very slow build up, and when you finally go it's like a light touch that makes it feel incredible.  My first time I shot a load across the room.  If you read the reviews, they say it's about as close as a man will get to a female orgasm and they weren't lying.

Clothes

I've been slowly expanding my wardrobe past dresses (I still buy a few, but I'm trying to get some that are more casual and blend in).  I've been buying a lot of blouses and pants from this website called SHEIN.  It's still imported from China, but unlike aliexpress which can take 3-4 weeks it's typically here in less than 2 weeks.  Still really good prices, lots of sales, and sizes that actually fit (size guides are usually accurate too).  I've got some tops that are SO dam cute.

Under garments

So while my full chest boobs look good, it's a pain to get on (and it's VERY warm since it covers from my belly button all the way up to my neck).  So in order to still feel like I have boobs I bought a couple cheap inserts to go in a bra and I get nearly the same sensation (weight) and similar chest under clothes

My vagina pants (literally from my belly button down to almost my knees) was also very warm and a pain to get on, and parts were starting to rip so I decided to get a replacement.  Not only did I got with something that was more like panties so it wasn't so hot, but it also has a hole where my butt is (in case I want to do anal without having to take it off).  A couple weekends ago I wore them for nearly the whole weekend, and when I took them off so we could play with my cock, my wife noticed my penis was a little bit white on the tip.  She said I need to be careful how long I wear it.  Also even though they include a sleeve (so you can still pee without taking them off), it isn't very well sealed and one time it did leak out.  So I found a possible solution and I tried it today and it worked wonderfully.  I yanked the stock one that came with the panties, and I bought some male external catheters from a medical supply. Very similar to the sleeve, but it fits tightly around your penis, and then still has a short flexible tube (meant to hook up to a bag), but I just have that sticking out of the vagina hole.  I went to the bathroom 3-4 times today, not a single leak, very good flow.  I must say it's the closest I've felt to having a vagina.  One thing I was not expecting, how STRONG that built in adhesive is.  The comments did warn about shaving, but I was like "meh, I'll be fine".  Peeling it from your skin is one thing (not bad if you go slow), ripping pubic hair out is a bit painful.  They say they're good for 12-24 hours, so I might start opting to wearing it for an entire day on the weekends.

Lastly, since my vagina panties don't have much filling to give me hips and butt, I searched out an alternative.  I found a really great website of a drag queen that makes really nice foam hip/butt pads.  I say nice because she makes ones that give up to an extra 4 inches (I believe I bought 3") which I need because I'm a bit thicker, and an inch of padding isn't going to do much to give my body shape.  I highly reccommend them if you're looking for something similar

https://planetpeppernyc.com

Unreal engine - metahuman

 Some of you may have seen some demos of this.  Basically unreal has created an engine that allows you to create a realistic avatar.  One bonus they've added to this software is the ability to link an iphone to it for face tracking.  Now since this is wireless, there's obviously some lag (I'm hoping they eventually add support for some sort of hardwired camera that helps reduce this).  Perhaps the lag isn't in the camera but the processing of tracking to realtime 3d animation?  Anyway, I came across this demo and now I want to play with it so badly.  I mean if I had this realistic avatar moving around like a mirror reflection I would love it.  The fact that you can import a pre-made avatar and make tweaks (sort of molding your own custom female body) is even better.

Been away for a while

While I still enjoy the concept of MTF transition, it doesn't excite me like it used to.  I'm still genderfluid but I feel like I'm trying to push myself to the next phase of my life.  This past 3-day weekend I embraced it.  Saturday morning I put on some french manicure nails and spent the day in boy mode, went grocery shopping (yes that sounds weird having nails in boy mode, but I'm pushing my boundaries to see if I get any reaction, which I didn't.. at least none that I noticed and I'm usually hyper sensitive when I do).  Sunday and Monday I spent fully dressed up.  Didn't do makeup, but sometimes I just don't feel the need to wear any if the clothing gives me that warm feeling I need.  I have a local friend that came out as bi-sexual last October, and almost immediately after I sent him a message that I dress up to sort of form that bond of an ally.  Then yesterday (since it was the first day of pride month) I decided to send him a couple photos of me dressed up, he was pretty impressed.  I'm guessing if you look halfway decent (IE it clearly looks like you've been practicing and not just some dude that threw on a dress) that's typically the reaction I would expect.  Going from very boy-mode to VERY girl mode.

Every time I dress up, I think about going outside.  The issue I have mostly right now is nearly everything I have is dresses.  I would not pass because sadly women just don't dress like this and I would stick out like a sore thumb.  I'm still working on a more casual outfit that blends in, and working up the nerve to go out in public.  I feel like I need to do it sooner than later because I'm not getting any younger, and it's only going to be more difficult the longer I wait.  I doubt I'll ever transition, there are too many obstacles, but I can totally see playing both sides of the gender spectrum for the rest of my life.

New goal - create a passing look

So I'm on this mission lately to put together an outfit where I pass.  Crazy right?  So all my crossdressing life, I've taken the same path that nearly everyone else does.  Buy all the sexy outfits that make you stick out like a sore thumb, that most wouldn't be caught dead outside in (but have fun wearing it inside).  So I don't know if I'll ever drum up the courage to REALLY go outside, but here's my thinking.  We're still in a pandemic, probably will be for another year.  What better time to try it?  The mask covers half your face, if someone questions your gender, you can tell them 6 foot social distance.  Also you're wearing a mask, everyone is pretty muffled so that buys you some tolerance.  So of course I ordered a set of feminine masks (one pink, one floral, one white with black polka dots).

In general I'm trying to find clothes that most women would wear (not sky high heels, women rarely wear heels these days).  I found a pair of chunky boots, and although they fit the toe is so pointy that they hurt after wearing them for like 10 minutes.  It's not my imagination, my toes are literally red afterwards.  So in order to try to make them work, I bought shoe stretchers on ebay for like $15.  Supposedly if you soak the shoe in alcohol and let them sit with a stretcher you can gain a whole shoe size.  Well I'm not looking to make them bigger, but I would like to try to stretch the toe sideways a little (and this stretcher only expands sideways).  I have a couple other pairs of boots on the way from aliexpress but these are the first ones.

So I also bought breast forms, and they feel good (and look decent inside a bra).  I just can't take the fake breast plate anymore.  It's hot, the cotton filling doesn't have any weight, it just looks so plastic barbie fake.

Clothes: So I haven't really bought much yet, still trying to figure out my look.  My wife has been losing a lot of weight (as I have too) so she's been purging clothes left and right.  Well there was one cute dress I decided to keep that's a floral green skirt, and then a crossover blouse (all one piece) and it fits really well.

Hair: so although I do have about 3 wigs, I really wanted to get something that wasn't red drag hair, or "point the arrow at my head I have blonde curls" hair.  So I found a wig that had good reviews, looked like it would look good on me.  It just came today and I gotta say I'm really happy with it.  It's the copper (which is dark red highlights) which apparently is now also sold out here:

https://jennybtysupply.com/collections/synthetic-lace-wigs/products/mayde-beauty-synthetic-invisible-5-lace-part-wig-jayde?variant=32185340756028

I think any one color wig sticks out really bad.  I think unless your wig has shades (ombre) it doesn't look natural.

So one last thing I ordered is this:

I know what you're saying, how the heck are you going to wear that? So I really considered getting one that had straps to attach it but hear me out.  If I get one that has straps, I'll have to take it off everytime I poop.  And I've worn similar devices (where you're forcing pee through a vagina hole) and because you have to push harder (because you aren't used to restrictive flow) you tend to push out poop more often than you did before.  I'm hoping I can use some medical adhesive or liquid latex to literally attach it in the morning, and sort of faux live as woman all day forcing myself to pee sitting down.

I have no idea where this is going to go, but I feel like I need to try something.  Been trying to at least dress up every other day after work.  I usually help my wife with the cooking, so it sorta fits in with the role.  

dream - estrogen

 So I just woke up and vividly remember a dream where I had obtained a whole bottle of estrogen pills.  As with most dreams, the details can get fuzzy (especially the longer you wait to write it down), but I'm pretty sure I had obtained them without seeing a doctor and getting a blood test.  In the dream I was doing errands, shopping at the grocery store at one point.  I kept thinking about those pills in my pocket, telling myself over and over "just take one, what's one going to hurt?"  Finally at one point I took a pill, and it was like a flood over my body (results exaggerated for my dream).  My entire thought process changed, I looked at my reflection and immediately noticed changes to my face and body.  I felt calm and normal for the first time in my life.  It felt so vivid and strong that it woke me up.. And then I felt a strong boner down there.

So what does this dream really mean?  What's the connection of being aroused?  Was I getting aroused because of my typical crossdreamer mind of "ooh I'm turning into a girl, this is hot"?  Or was I getting aroused in the way that I'm finally getting something I've been wanting for a long time, like when you save up for a sports car and the day finally comes to go to the dealer to buy it and you get aroused when you finally take that test drive because it's become real?

new breast forms

So I decided to buy a pair breastforms.  They were really cheap ($30 on ebay).  They aren't super realistic (they have that baggie wrinkle) which kills any chance of me showing cleavage.  So right off the bat I was kinda disappointed.

So if I have a semi-realistic breast plate, why did I decide to buy these?  Well I stuck them in a bra, and they fill it really nicely.  They weren't overly big (just the right size at a C cup, or 400g per boob).  They have that nice weight to them that my cotton filled breast plate doesn't have.  I don't have to worry about these tearing because I don't squeeze into them, they just slide into a bra.  More than any reason, these have a nice protective plastic layer separating my skin from the silicone.  I DO worry about some sort of chemical leaching into my skin and giving me cancer later.  I mean these things are all made in china and there surely aren't standards to health there.  To top all that off, these are certainly easier to put on (not struggle with sliding a tight shirt over my head).  They won't make me hot (wrapping your upper torso in silicone can get REALLY hot).  There's been times I only had my breast plate on for a few hours, and I have red marks on the back of my neck from the heat.  There's also a part of me that says "hun, you're in your mid 40's, are you honestly going to go out in public showing cleavage?  Fill your bra and call it a day".  Also my breast plate isn't fooling anyone.  There's always a line between breast plate and real skin, and those tones don't match.  Yea I suppose I could spend a lot of time with makeup to blend the line, but even then you have to wear a really thick necklace to hide the transition (and make sure it stays in place).  I would actually feel way less subconscious with just some forms inside of a bra (so long as my chest is shaved of course).

morning twilight snooze dream - dressed up

 So lately in the mornings we've been waking up at 5:30am.  My wife goes into her office at 6am, but I find myself half falling asleep not wanting to get up.  I usually have odd dreams (that of course feel way longer than the length I was asleep).  This morning's dream I was with my wife and a group of friends.  We were all getting ready for something, and I asked how I should dress.  My wife is like "just wear something nice".  The guys all tossed on sloppy t-shirts and jeans, and I found myself dressing.. well the best way to describe it is dorothy from golden girls (but I didn't feel like I was old).  I was wearing a pair of black female slacks, and then my top was a colorful blouse with an even more colorful vest (red purple and pink sequins), and thick hoop earrings.  When I was done getting dressed, we all started doing exercise in the kitchen, and as I raised my hands I could see that I had very nice manicured long red nails.  My biggest take away from it was how comforting it not only felt to dress up, but that not a single eyebrow raised that I chose to dress female.