Gender dysphoria sucks.. when it's strong

So pretty much my entire life it seems like I've been able to control this female beast inside my head.  For some reason today it's really bothering me.  Maybe it's my mid-life hormones going goofy, maybe it's not masterbating for 5-6 days, I don't really know.  All I do know is that I nearly had a panic attack today.  It honestly felt like I was almost having an out of body experience, like even though I was attached to my body, it didn't feel like it was mine because it didn't feel right.

Last night I decided to attempt to half cross-dress.  Not my clothes mind you, just my face.  I had grown a pretty good stuble after not shaving the entire 3-day fourth of july weekend, so I decided to just shave the left side of my face, then proceeded to only apply makeup to that half.  It wasn't quite the dramatic effect, but it was interesting to see both halves of my inner being to compare them instantly side by side.  Wasn't the greatest makeup job, but it was also like 9pm at night and I didn't want to get detailed into makeup when I knew I had to remove it only an hour later.

So anyway, getting back to my dysphoria.  Something feels different about being in the middle lately.  I've always thought of this condition as being more of a blessing than a curse (feeling both sides of the fence and being a truly complete person), but lately it feels more like limbo.  I'm neither a male nor a female.  I present as male (because that's what society tells me I need to dress as), yet I long to be a woman inside.  So in both cases, I'm unhappy.  Hence, limbo gendered.  Think about other things in life that suck in being neither true or false, but in-between:

Death - limbo: Imagine you die, for some reason you don't go to heaven or hell, you just remain on the planet as a ghost.  Some might say that's cool, all the benefits of the living without worrying about food, illness, judgement.  Yea, and all the jealousy of the living, and nothing you do has any effect on anything.  You'd truly be unhappy pretty quick, and probably look for a way to get out of that mode

Sad / Happy - Limob: Imagine going through life everyday, and neither laughing nor crying.  You watch TV, you comprehend what's going on, you understand the story, but nothing makes you laugh, get scared, or anything.  You just absorb the material like some sort of lifeless robot.

Missing persons: Imagine a close family member goes missing.  Now, they could be alive, but they could also be dead.  You have no idea because they are missing, so there's no way to know what status they're in.  If you've ever been in that state for a day or two, you'd almost rather they be dead than missing but possibly be alive because at least then you'd have resolution.

amazon is here, review time

ok so I tried everything out...

Wig: Not bad, not good either.  I mean for $11 my expectations weren't real high.  The hair quality itself is pretty nice for a cheap wig.  I dig the colors, but the hair on top is really thin.  So thin in fact that if you don't lay it just right, you'll see your wig cap underneath (not a good look)

lashes: They are certainly thinner than most I've tried (so you won't get the butteryfly look), but at the same time they're pretty short so they don't completely fill the eyelid which makes it slightly un-natural (probably not an issue if you're a petite woman with small eyes).

lash adhesive: OMG, this stuff rocks.  Not only does the applicator brush help so much, because it's a very liquidy silicone it goes on smooth not sticky, and it really holds them in place.  I put a little bit on just to get them tacky so they'd stay in place, and then I actually brushed on a little more on top while they were on my eyelid to make sure it stayed.

Nails - bigger OMG!  I'm actually typing right now with them on (which I can usually never even attempt).  I AM making a few more typos than I normally do, but they aren't bad.  They're JUST long enough to have that sensation that I have long-er french manicured nails.  And you know what else, they stick REALLY good.. Like I could totally see these staying on for days, I'm loving the sensation that these nails are stuck to my fingernails.  I can scratch my skin and they feel strong and attached.

My week...

So I haven't masturbated all week and it feels sorta good.  Monday night I tried one of my hypnosis mp3's from Isabella valentine.  I hardly ever feel the effects of hypnosis, but I feel like if I keep trying (like anything with practice) it will eventually get better.  I got pretty deep in trance, though I usually get distracted lately because I have this weird muscle cramp I develop if I sit weird on the couch.  Anyway, the file has something to do with having an orgasm with whatever fantasy turns you on (subjective).  I found it interesting that my subconsciousness felt that being a woman would be the biggest turn on.  I started imagining I was getting penetrated, but I could feel I was only partially hard.  However when I woke up and looked inside my underwear I did have a lot of pre-cum so I was definitely turned on.  Whether hypnosis feels like fake acting or not, it seems your brain doesn't care.

This week I've been drawn to listening to more "female" music than I normally would.  Songs like paramore - aint it fun, ass back home with gym class heroes and neon hitch (she's beautiful), and christina perri - human.  This song feels like something a girl would listen to after getting in an argument with her boyfriend or her best friend, and trying to comprehend where she went wrong.

My wife is leaving for work sunday morning, so I decided to order a few things from amazon.  I've been really digging colored wigs (wife has purple hair) so I decided to get a cosplay wig that's mostly purple with pink highlight in front.  It was $11 and has really good reviews so I took a chance.
http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B008HLGP1W/ref=oh_details_o00_s01_i02?ie=UTF8&psc=1

I bought some new lashes, these are supposed to be very natural looking (supposedly real human hair?):
http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B0092X4JE4/ref=oh_details_o00_s00_i00?ie=UTF8&psc=1

As well as some new adhesive.  I hate that duo crap, it doesn't work, it smells, and it's messy.  This one has really good reviews and is made of a silicone, we'll see how it works:
http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B003TTB4SG/ref=oh_details_o00_s01_i00?ie=UTF8&psc=1

Also bought some press on nails (but not that brand).  I was recommended these by another crossdresser that said they work really well (better than glue on in some cases) so we'll see how they work.  They're pretty short, but maybe that's a good thing.  I've always bought nails that were nearly an inch long, and I find that I can't do anything with them on and I end up being useless (especially typing):
http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B000QM5QL0/ref=oh_details_o00_s01_i01?ie=UTF8&psc=1

I may even paint one of the sets instead of leaving them french manicure.  Earlier this week I stumbled upon a nail salon on yelp, and then I started flipping through the photos and got extremely jealous.  Of all the things that women get to do that men can't get away with, painting they're nails is pretty high on my list.  Here are just some of the very creative and pretty nails I liked:

Free internet porn is an enabler

For probably the last 2 weeks, I think I've masturbated every weekday (weekends I have no time away from my wife, and even if she did condone such things I doubt I'd have the urge to).  Why do I bring this up?  Well you know how guys talk about how porn is too easy and accessible, and those endorphins become a drug, and in the end you feel like a cold unloved person that's just been milked by a hand that seems to be controlled by it's own brain?  Well now throw gender dysphoria into the mix and it feels ten times worse.  Unlike a "typical" man that imagines himself fucking whatever girl is on the computer screen at that moment, someone like me 99.9% of the time imagines he's the girl on the screen either sucking cock, or getting fucked, or masturbating her pussy.

So there's a bit more than just feeling cold, there's a disconnect that hurts even more.  Sure, I can visualize myself as that girl, I've gotten quite good at doing that over the past 24 years, but it's imagination.  I don't get that visual feedback from seeing myself dressed up in the mirror, every move I make is "mirrored" by the reflection.  Of course there's more than just the sense of sight, there's 3 more applicable senses:

Feeling - I don't get the sensation of lacey clothes rubbing against my skin, that incredible feeling of hosiery against my legs, earrings dangling from my ears swaying back and forth, long hair tickling my shoulders, long nails extending out beyond my fingertips and rubbing against my skin, feeling heels on my feet, panties gripping my lower region tight, a bra holding my chest up.

Hearing: I don't get to hear my own voice, I don't get to hear female orgasms come out of my mouth

Smell: This is probably the one missing the most from my life.  My wife has a very sensitive nose, while I'm quite the opposite (takes a very strong scent to smell).  That means she almost never wears perfume, and when she does it's something very subtle and natural.  Not like I'm going to force her to wear a scent she doesn't like, or can't stand anymore than her making me wear cologne (which I don't like because the musky smell of what she likes makes me think of beards, and that just makes my skin crawl).

Should I crossdress?  Perhaps, but as many of us know, it takes a lot of time to get dressed up (hell, ask any woman), then double that to make a man look decent.  Now imagine not getting home till 6-6:30 every night, eating dinner, watching a little TV, then you're either going to bed, or taking your wife to bed while you ponder who you are and start blogging about your thoughts before you go crazy.  And while my wife never seems to mind that I dress up, I sometimes wonder if I'd ever get in a mode where I'm living as a woman outside of work all the time.  It might make me a happier person, and I think that's all each person in a relationship wants for their signifigant other.

So I was a black girl last night...

In a dream.  There was no transformation scene, all of the sudden the dream started out with me running to a mirror to look at myself because I knew I had just swapped bodies with someone.  I don't know how it happened, I don't know where my old body was, I just knew I needed to take advantage of this situation.  So there I ran to a public bathroom, ironically the men's room.  I checked out my body in the mirror, then realized I probably shouldn't be in here so I ran out to go to the ladies room.

At first it was about checking out my darker skin, my female face, my long black hair.  Of course just seeing my face and body wasn't enough, of course I had to check out my breasts, so I lifted up my shirt and stared at them... then I started fondling them.  I was turning myself on as a woman, but not in a "I'm a woman and I'm imagining a man touching me" kind of a way.  Basically if this happened in real life, my usual reaction, I wouldn't immediately switch sexual preferences.

Then I'm realizing that standing in front of a mirror with my shirt up in a public restroom probably isn't the brightest idea if someone were to come in, so I ran to a stall.  You know what comes next, pull my pants and panties down and check out my pussy.  I didn't look that long, mostly just to see the difference of not having something sticking out down there.  Then I began to rub my clit.  For some reason it felt awkward.  You would think after the many years of watching porn and having sex with my wife it would come completely natural, but I felt like a teenager figuring it out for the first time.  It felt like I was doing it right, but I wasn't really getting turned on.  I had no fantasy to go with this masterbation, what was my fantasy?  I was actually a woman now, where was the fantasy, I was already it.  After what seemed like 10 minutes I finally gave up, then the dream faded away as I woke up with my arm asleep.  No, not from masterbating, because I rolled over in a weird position.  While I waited for the blood to rush back into my hand, I reflected on the dream.

Transgender dream without realizing it

Had a dream where I woke up in my parent's house, and I knew I had to get ready for work.  I started looking for something to wear, but none of my clothes were there.  Frustrated, I was about to give up and simply wear what I had on and maybe just stop at a store to buy a wardrobe, or maybe I simply call in sick?  The closets had nothing but women's clothing in it, clearly someone had moved my clothes... or did they?  Those were my clothes, yet I knew I couldn't wear any of it because I hadn't transitioned yet.  It was oddly frustrating while at the same time deep down subconsciously I knew what was going on.

been in a real funk

This winter has been absolutely brutal, and it's really taken it's toll on me.  I know, 90% of America has felt the affects of polar vortex's, but living in Chicago it meant 3 weeks of -30 temperatures and over 70 inches of total snowfall (it's been above freezing for 2-3 weeks now and there is STILL some snow sitting on the ground where snow banks got 6-7 feet high).  It's taken it's toll on my body causing me to stress eat and managed to put 40-50 pounds back on.  Because I feel bloated and clothes don't quite fit like they used to, I feel less attractive (and therefore I've lost my urge to crossdress).  I guess I can finally empathize how women feel when they fight with weight loss.

Well my wife is in the same boat, so she's taken drastic action by signing up for one of those healthy eating plans where they premake the food and drop it off at your front door (fresh not frozen).  She's going to stick to it for a month or two just to get her used to reduced portions again.  Because it's not cheap ($700/month, or $10/meal, effectively like eating out every meal), she's doing it alone and I'm sticking to oatmeal in the mornings, soup/salad for lunch, and a bigger salad for dinner.  I'm also doing at a minimum 5 minutes of walk/sprints on the treadmill every morning, as well as some stretching yoga on an exercise ball.  They say yoga doesn't help you lose weight necessarily, but it does make you aware of your body and encourages you to want to make healthy choices when you realize how stiff and weak your body really is (something you don't realize when day in day out all you do is get up, eat/sleep/work).

So since I don't really even fit in my current female wardrobe, even though I'm slowly coming out of my funk and the urges are slowly coming back, I still made a purchase (though they will always fit).  I've always wondered what I would look like with glasses, so I decided to buy some fake female glasses:

They're really pretty, I just hope my wife doesn't give me flack for wanting to wear them.  She already gives me flack sometimes when she's frustrated with womenly tasks like shaving and periods, asking me "You sure you want to be a woman?".  I can already picture her saying "You should see how fun glasses are when you have to wear them all the time and they get dirty and scratched".

I mean my intent isn't to make fun of people that have to wear glasses, I just think glasses can sometimes be a nice accessory as much as jewelry is.  The one actress that really pulls this off is penelope from criminal minds.  Not only does she accessorize to the nines, she has like 3 dozen different glasses so that she can match the color to her outfits