Sunday, December 27, 2015

strange dream last night...

So I'm back at my boy-hood home.. had nothing to do with the dream.  Seems my brain likes to make the background here since I probably feel safe and unstressed (life before mortgage and careers).
So some friend is over, but I can't tell which friend.  There's a pile of female clothes sitting on the floor, and my friend says "why don't you try those on, my girlfriend left them here".  I'm a little thrown back at first, so I just put on the hosiery.  Things don't seem weird, so I go ahead and put on the strappy open toed heels.  Well that didn't seem to rouse any strange looks, so I go ahead and put the dress on.  Still no reaction, so then I think to myself "Hey, why don't I complete the look by putting on my wig and false nails, and before I can even grab those things, I'm already wearing both of them.

Not sure what the message was, though I did have desires to crossdress this weekend and didn't get a chance because I got busy doing other things.  Maybe this was my brain's way of making up for a missed opportunity?

Tuesday, December 15, 2015

Thoughts lately...

So me and the wife watched "I am cait" together for maybe the first few episodes.  They were a bit boring, and it felt very "this celebrity is so out of touch with the real world" vibe.  We stopped watching it because our DVR gets filled up, which pushes lower priority shows behind.  She's been out of town, and I was running out of things to watch on my own, so decided to finish off the series.  It never really got better, about the only highlight is that Mimi Marks showed up (she's a local Chicago performer at the Baton Lounge).  It's odd not having seen her in at least 15 years, and although she still looks good you can see the aging.

So perhaps the one thing that really popped out at me (and I'm completely aware of it, and completely understand it), but perhaps I refuse to embrace is the whole separation of gender and sexual orientation.  Meaning you can feel one way about your gender (how you wish to live your life, present yourself to most people most of the time), and then there's the sexual orientation (how you're sexually attracted to other people).

So for me, I feel pretty strongly being a male GENDER.  I like dressing up, I like to think about dressing up, but it doesn't cloud my life.  I have a lot of things going on in my life that keep me busy (work, family, hobbies) to not worry about being a woman.  Not to say I don't occasionally like the idea of just dressing up to dress up and not be sexual (but more of a comforting feeling), but it's few and far between.  Take this past weekend for example, I could have dressed up.  I could have gone the full nine yards, but I know what the outcome would be.  I'd get sexually excited, I'd be alone, and I would crave masterbation, and in 5-10 minutes all the work for nothing (yes, I'm one of those people that once the deed is done, I feel little attachment to continue presenting as female).  So what did I do?  I put on fake french nails on one hand, played a while, and got it out of my system.  Crappy part of that is I didn't have "nail glue", or those little glue pads that help them stick so I wound up using super glue.  Yes, it's not ideal, but if you coat the nail with clear polish it creates a nice barrier between so you're not ripping nail layers off.  I was slightly freaked out at first because the nails weren't coming off, even with acetone.  But after soaking them a good 2-3 minutes each, they came off reasonably easy.

So now let's jump into the SEXUAL part.  I would define myself as a bi-sexual female.  Now grasp that concept for moment.  Not only am I caught between gender roles (yes I play a man most of the time, but whether I dress up during sex or not my brain is certainly tuned to thinking I'm a woman), but I'm not even picky on my partner.  Perhaps that just goes with the territory of the whole gender flipping fantasy?  In the end, it can be very difficult switching to such extreme sides.  I don't want to say transgender people have it easier (they deal with the real society), but at least they can be consistent from day to day, and often have a focused gender role in mind.  It's not like I can shave my arm hair, it's not like I can go have plastic surgery to my face and not have people notice.  I can't pierce my ears, I can't leave my nails painted or long, I can't have as large of a female wardrobe as I might like because I still have to support my male side.  At times it can be fun, but often it can be tiring going from one end of the spectrum to the other.  I wonder if this isn't sometimes the cause for pushing this side away.