Wednesday, June 13, 2018


You may or may not have heard of this technology.  Basically using algorithms, computers can now take face tracking from an existing video, and control the likeness of another person almost like a digital puppet.  It's been somewhat archaic for a while (it still has it's glitches), but it keeps getting better.  Best way I can describe it is comparing it to the Snapchat app where you put someone else's face on your own.  Well here's what they are presenting as the latest software at sighgraph:

Few things to note:
1. The self cleaning is getting really good, it's very difficult to tell it's being faked if processed well
2. The ability to actually move the head in realtime almost like a 3D model is impressive
3. There's a few concepts where a man is controlling a woman's face.  I don't know if this is post-processed or realtime, but the idea of having a realistic woman's face (perhaps even body) on a HD
screen where it's almost like a magic mirror is very interesting.

4. There's a thing that's been going on for about the past year which is fake porn, and it's crazy how real it looks.  I have mixed feelings about this.  On one hand, celebrities are sort of on a chopping block to be mocked, judged, etc.  It also fulfills a fantasy that perhaps many men have (note how many of them are of emma watson).   Do they deserve to have fake porn of them on the internet?  probably not.

If you're interesting I'm sure you can google it for yourself.  Here's one of the better ones I've seen, Katy Perry:

Why do I bring this up at all?  Well, I'm twisting this fantasy a bit.  While most guys would imagine themselves having sex with a celebrity, I'm imagining that the medallion of zulo exists, and I obtained a piece of clothing from a celebrity to turn myself into them.

Petite is my most desired form

I'm sure I'm not alone in this.  If I had a choice of any female body type to be, it would be very short (which is the complete opposite of what I am now).  Could it be that much like super femme female is the complete opposite of a manly man?  Could it be that a small girl is thought of as weak or easily overpowered, and most men who are typically in charge fantasize about being submissive?

Reason I bring this up, there's a co-worker who is REALLY short and cute that occasionally stops by our department.  I don't know what nationality she is, perhaps spanish but if I could describe her imagine taking ariana grande (who's pretty short at 5 feet even), then making her even shorter.  Seriously like this girl can't be taller than 4' 4" tall.  So today I'm coming back from lunch, and she's walking to our front door at the exact same time.  I look at our reflection in the glass door and I can visually see how crazy different we are in height.  All I could think about is how badly I wanted to jump into her body.

Wednesday, June 6, 2018

Payless shoes = dysphoria, and not the good kind

So I've been a little frustrated with shoe buying this past year (male, not female).  Payless stores started closing, and I was paying between $30-$40 for shoes that don't last.  Now granted I'm a big person, and I don't have high expectations for shoes in that price range.  However, it's not like I'm working construction.  We are talking about dress shoes that see maybe 2-3k steps per day, and almost always the seam between the sole and the upper half starts to split, and no amount of glueing keeps them together.  So for the past maybe 9 months I've been buying my shoes on Amazon.  I figure if I'm going to pay that range, I might as well get a "little" better quality, and have them shipped directly to my house for free and pay minimal tax.  The first 2 pair worked out decently, maybe lasted a little longer.  Comfortable, about what I expected.  Well I tried a different pair this last time, and they fit like crap.  I assumed they just needed to break in, nope.  Month later I couldn't take it, I bought those Dr Schol's inserts, still hurt.  It's not the bottom of my feet but my toes.  Between getting pinched from the sides, and having too much space in the wrong areas (which means my toes are rubbing all day) it feels like knives stabbing my toes by the end of the day (I literally have red marks).  Wearing double socks sort of helps, but only marginally and I think it's ridiculous to go to that extreme.

So yesterday I look around my local grocery store, yea nope nothing past a size 13. Today I stop at a famous footwear, yea nope a few 13's, maybe one pair of 14's I'm not interested in.  So I bite my tongue and go back to payless.  First off, this store is incredibly cruel to someone like me.  I'd say easily 85% of the store is geared toward women, the men's shoes is like half of one side of an aisle.  They have a couple pairs that sort of fit, I end up going with what look more like a sneaker but they are ALL black so I'm hoping I can pull it off at work even though they aren't technically dress shoes.

Here's where I fall into a depression, a woman starts browsing around for shoes, and just happens to be looking around my section.  All I could think about in my mind is how lucky she is to have small feet and can literally buy a shoe based on what it looks like, not go "what shoes do you have my size in?".  And I'm talking about mens shoes, I'm not even talking about women's shoes.  Pheh, I'm lucky I can find women's shoes online in my size.

Friday, May 11, 2018

Projection daydreaming

I might have talked about this before.. For example if there's a female driving the same car you're driving (or used to drive), you fantasize that you're that girl behind the wheel, and it feels real because you can easily picture yourself as the girl since the car is familiar.  This popped into my head the other day.  A vendor was visiting the office, not a bad looking woman.  After she was done talking to me, I suggested she go talk to the manager that sits in an office just outside my cubicle.  He has a giant window in his office, so you can easily see who's visiting him.  When I got up to get coffee she was still in there talking to him, and it hit me.  I've stood in that spot many times, what if I was her.  It was really fun imagining I was her.

Wednesday, May 2, 2018

nails nails nails

So I ordered like 4-6 sets of french manicure nails off ebay (slow boat from china).  They will probably be a little flimsy like the last ones I wore, but they look decent for the cheap price they are ($1.50 shipped).

So though I do have lots of other nail sets still (red, deep wine, rainbow), I also have a bag of plain white nails I got a good price on as well.  It was 600 nails for $2.68 shipped.

I'm guessing because I only use 5 of those sizes, assume that gets cut in half.  Still, 30 sets of nails for that price?  That means each nail set only costs 9 cents, or just under a penny per nail.  Now obviously you wouldn't want to wear them like this, but polish is cheap (and I have some), and it's probably good practice I paint my own nails.  Decided to put the thumb on tonight and try my luck.  I tried to do my own french nail, but when you drag the brush along slowly you get a horrible surface finish because you're dragging paint that has started to dry.  I decided to start over and simply put on about 3 coats of light pink polish over the whole nail, came out pretty decent with some shine

Monday, April 30, 2018

extended crossdressing = dysphoria

Finally took my nails off Sunday night after I broke 2 more off and figured it was a good time to remove them.  I could have glued them back on, but then that glue would be fresh and harder to take off later.  As with most crossdressing, especially extended periods of time, when you do go through de-dressing it feels just as weird to have those things removed after getting used to them.

I had a pretty normal day at work, which is to say I kept very busy.  I did have a few small moments of "what clothes would I wear to pass if I did go all the way and crossdress in public".  On the drive home about halfway the dysphoria hit me hard since I had that memory of driving around Saturday with nails.  The feeling of wanting long nails really hit me.  I did need to stop at the store, the same store I had long nails on Saturday.  I couldn't help but reflect on how I felt just 2 days ago.  I decided I would use this stop to do some people watching, women to be specific.  I wanted to really focus on what the typical woman wore, not what I envision what I would want to wear.  For the most part I saw:
* sneakers, flats, or sandals (not a single heel)
* yoga pants, shorts, jeans, or pants if they were stopping on the way home like me (not a single skirt)
* blouses or tshirt tops (not a single dress, NONE)

I didn't check for nails, I didn't want to focus so much that I looked like a creeper.  Speaking of which another thought, during a morning meeting one of the females in the office joined us, and I couldn't help focus on her nails.  She always keeps them manicured, long and painted.  I couldn't help but get jealous that she gets to wear her nails without anyone blinking an eye.

Sunday, April 29, 2018

baby steps part 2

So I decided to push my luck yesterday and go to the local grocery store.  This was definitely a different experience because I was surrounded by people.  I hid my hands in my coat on the way in, then grabbed a cart and hugged the sides so really only my thumbs were showing.  I couldn't hide my nails when I went to grab things to put in my cart.  I was in there for probably a good 20 minutes grabbing things, starting to feel more comfortable.  Then it was time to checkout.  For sure I would be exposing my hands as I loaded things onto the conveyor.  Don't think anyone really noticed as the cashier was focused on the customers ahead of me.  Then more customers came up behind me, it was a large spanish family that was pretty pushy about checking out.  I don't think it was just because I was hyper focused either.  Just then I saw a coworker walk by the checkouts in the corner of my eye.  This is probably everyone's nightmare, especially in my case.  If I was fully dressed, it's fully possible someone wouldn't recognize me at all.  Being my male self with long nails, completely different situation.  I didn't make eye contact so he didn't see me.  I was almost thankful things timed out the way they did.  If that family wasn't behind me, he could have easily decided to come to the same checkout.  Weird thing is he's the last person I'd expect to run into.  He used to live in the area, but he moved to another town which means going to this store wouldn't be anywhere nearly convenient.  Wonder if he was visiting friends in the area.