Saturday, June 15, 2019

shoes 4 u - part two

So I'm doing it.. and I've realized tracing my foot is stupid because that's not how shoes are made.. So I instead traced one of my sneakers for the shape, and it looked far more normal.  I've also opted to only make a 3" wedge heel to save material.  I'm also printing in sections (bottom chunk, top thin piece).  It's not that different from real shoes.  They have the bottom chunk, the straps get glued to that, then a thin piece is glued on top keeping everything clean.

Because I still don't have a 3d printer big enough to print the entire shoe shape in one shot, I've also had to split it in half (but good enough for proof of concept).  I'll have 1/4-20 bolts going through a chunky center to join the 2 halves.  I don't know how well I'll be able walk in them, but I'm mostly building them to work out all the assembly issues:

So this is what it will look like when printed.  In the base will be brass threaded inserts that get heat-staked into the base, and then screws on top attach the thin top to the bottom:
 This is my strap layout.. one going over at the toes, and then a criss-cross pattern for the rest.  I'd really like a back strap to really lock it in, but again at this point I'm just seeing if this is even feasible.

So last night I printed my first chunk in the front, and I'm using some 3/4" elastic as the straps for now.. I don't want to have to deal with leather right now.  I have to say, even with minimal ribbed walls in the base it feels strong (I was able to walk on it just fine).  There's slight creaking, but I also weigh 300lbs.  Once I have something that works, I would probably opt to add more walls, or possibly fill in all the gaps with that foam you use to seal up cracks in walls.  This should give better support and make it more squishy.  I placed the quarter next to it just to show the scale of how big size 17 womens feet are.

crossdress custom wedge shoes large feet size 16 size 17 size 18

Wednesday, June 5, 2019

No shoes for you!

So early on in my crossdressing life which was somewhere around 16-17 years old, it became very clear I was going to be stuck wearing womens dress shoes.  I wear a size 14-15 mens, which is 16-17 womens.  Let me tell you there are no manufacturers that make female sneakers in those sizes, nor do they make wedge sandals in that size.  As if fitting in wasn't hard enough, it's even harder when you can't dress casual to fit in.
So I finally said "that's it, I'm going to figure out a way to buy womens casual shoes if it kills me".  I searched aliexpress to see if there's some chinese factory that might cater to this, nope.  Etsy! of course, lots of homemade items on there including shoes.  I contact the 4 sellers on there that seem to cater to such a thing, all of them pretty much say the same thing.  A size 49 Euro doesn't exist as a pattern, and therefore they can't produce in that size.  Now I realize that might be true, but if you're truly a shoemaker wouldn't you try to cater to the customer?  I even offered extra money for the additional material and headache, they still said no.
At this point I'm beyond frustration.  Not being able to buy clothing is like making being transgender illegal.  I got really depressed because while I was pretty sure I was stuck, confirming it makes it much more real.  Then it hit me, I'm an engineer.  I'll make my own dam shoes if it kills me!
Now there are certainly a lot of challenges and uphill battles, the first being that my foot barely fits on a standard sheet of paper.  Size 17 womens means my foot is just over 12 inches long, or 300mm.  However, if I rotate my foot diagonally on the sheet of paper, it JUST fits.  So after I have my foot traced out, I scanned it in, and then I can trace that in a vector program to clean it up.  Once I had my 2D vector file, I imported it into solidworks and started figuring out the best way to turn a flat vector into a heel.  I found that converting it to sheet metal I could add a bend, then I can extrude the chunky underneath.  I cut out a chunk in the center to reduce printing time (because I was sure I wasn't getting it right on the first try), and managed to squeeze it down to a 10 hour print job.  I also had to print at 90% scale since it still doesn't quite fit on my bed (8.5" x 8.5") but figured that was close enough.  This morning I woke up to a finished part on my printer bed

I put my foot over it, and while it's a tad small, it felt like a shoe.  I now realize that the foot has an arch when you extend it, so the flat I modeled is incorrect
I've updated the model this morning, and it's starting to look much closer to a real heel bottom.  Not only is the arch correct, but I also tapered the sides so the bottom is a slightly smaller footprint.

Wednesday, May 22, 2019

chaturbate - Seeing the before/after SRS

So I've read plenty of stories of people transitioning.  Words are one thing, but to actually see the before/after I have to admit is a little shocking (and not something we normally get to see), until things like chaturbate came about.  I follow anyone that's interesting on chaturbate, I follow about 18 people.  There is a user that goes by the name Ruby Fiera.  I think I only followed her because she seemed classy (good webcam, good lighting, nice background).  Often you'll see her shelf of high heels.  The other day she pops up and I'm like "woah wait a minute, where's her cock"?  I scroll down, had SRS.

So another question that pops into my head.. Do her donations go down?  Seems the audience is usually geared towards seeing a female body with a penis.  Is she now competing with the dozens of other women on chaturbate now?

Monday, April 1, 2019

social media accounts crosslinked - my biggest fear

So I'm starting to subscribe to more transgender videos on my alternate transgender gmail account.  I came across this video that quite frankly spooks me (though the video itself is adorable as it's a transexual girlfriend dating a guy that it would seem has come out as genderfluid).

Anyway, he talks about how he made an alternate Instagram account, and because of the way the algorithm works it makes suggestions of "people you may know".  And since apparently he posted photos of himself in his house, one friend recognized who it was, and told other friends, who told other friends, and before he knew it he was outed.

Now myself, I'm basically on 4 social media accounts that I'm active on:
Facebook (I attempted to make a female persona account, but I knew better because of what facebook is trying to achieve so I gave up on it)
Instagram - I only have one account as my male self
Snapchat - I only have one account as my male self
Twitter - I have my main male account (which I'm rarely ever on any more), I have a specific hobby account that I only follow relevant hobby people/companies, and then I have my female persona twitter account.

Now I will say for the last one, I do in my feeds see suggestions to other people, and I'm guessing that if I see those other people do too.  Since I rarely tweet from either of my male accounts, and twitter seems so dead these days, and even if you WERE active most people don't seek out new random people they don't know, I feel fairly safe.  I suppose if someone really wanted to sleuth me out and figure out that I had a female persona, I would hope most of my friends would accept that part of me.

Getting back to the video though, it is interesting that he says most of his friends "accepted it", however they don't want to know about it or hear about it.  Btw, without clicking try to guess which one is the genderfluid male:

I'm guessing if he worked on his voice, he could be very passable in public.

Sunday, March 24, 2019

vagina panties in public

So I decided to go grocery shopping today while wearing them, see how they feel in a public environment.  Honestly in jeans they don't push my butt or hips out very noticeably, but that's not why I wore them.  I wanted that feeling of thicker skin and smooth front while doing a normal activity.  I have to say it was very comfortable, and I did enjoy the feeling.  I could almost see wearing these more often as sort of a way to see if I truly like the different feeling.

I also watched a ton of youtube videos this weekend.  Everything from "my husband came out as trans", to "what it takes to start transitioning", to "nobody told me this is what it would be like".  Lots of great information, and many of it scary.  The common theme I got from all the videos was

It's very expensive - and not surgery, but buying a new wardrobe (already do), buying makeup (already do), going to the salon (I'm good with wigs), Seeing doctors (this is always expensive), and of course the hormones themselves if you decide to go down that path (which you have to obviously take for the rest of your life).

It's a lot of waiting (scheduling an appointment to see a pyschologist, scheduling an appointment to see a doctor, finding the right doctor).

Wives always seem to have to go through a grieving process, though I think my wife is so used to my dressing at home that it would be easy for her.  They also talk about how protective they become, and worry about people attacking you (which my wife definitely has communicated to me).

Thursday, March 21, 2019

vagina panties modified, peeing works, tears...

I'm still shaking..  So I knew the 8" long tube wasn't working out, so I took the plunge and chopped off 4-5 inches off of it, just enough to stretch over my tip (I'm a grower not a show-er).  Did a quick test without putting them on, seemed like it was working but I think having them on would help keep things tight.  Probably shouldn't have stood to test but I wanted to see how it was flowing.  So I wore them for about the past 3-4 hours, waiting for my urine to build up again.  I sat down, biased towards the back of the seat, leaned over.. felt the pressure build up, saw some of the precum dribble at first (yes, this apparently turns me on), then it started to come out.  A small stream of pee started to shoot down.  After about 10 seconds of that it faded away, and I had to let my body build up the pressure again.

The second pee was stronger, it felt.. real.  I just stared down, seeing the pee stream come out like a woman, seeing my flat front with no bulge.. more importantly feeling, good.. normal.. Then the emotions hit me, and the crying built up until I was a sobbing mess crying on the toilet for about 5 minutes straight.  It started out with the though of "Oh my god, this is what it feels like to feel normal in my own skin", and I need to clarify that because I don't feel 100% uncomfortable in my male skin, but I definitely don't feel more than 50% comfortable.  I can remember as a kid hating baths, seeing my ball (yes, I either have one testicle or combined testicles) float in the water.  To this day, I still absolutely hate my ball being played with by my wife and she doesn't understand that at all.

Now the second wave of emotion, the reality of what this means.  I had opened up pandora's box, and once it's opened it can't be closed.  I knew I liked wearing these panties around the house because of the flatness and feeling of having hips, but this was on a whole new level.  I liked having a vagina, I still do.  How was this going to change my life?  How far am I going to take this?  Am I going to want to transition?  How is this going to affect my relationship with my wife?

I've actually been watching a lot of videos.. watching transgender women just talk on chaturbate (yes, some do have conversations and don't just masturbate).  Many of them talk about how even though it's much harder to get an erection (and maintain it), they wouldn't want surgery for multiple reasons.  Doctors are hacks, you'll lose feeling, that the penis doesn't make them any less of a woman, etc.  I gotta say, as much as I like the feeling of ejaculation, I've been having some fun with vibrators lately and not cumming isn't the worst thing in the world.  The buildup can feel almost as good.

So I don't know what to think at this point.  I guess I keep exploring the silicone panties and see where it goes.  Maybe that's enough to satisfy me?  All I do know is that wearing these should be a requirement for anyone even thinking about transitioning, it's about as close as you can get to having a vagina without having surgery.

The difference between crossdressing for a fetish, and dressing because it's becoming your lifestyle

Ok I don't know where to begin so I'm just going to start typing.  I hope others discover this blog who are seeking answers.  I never thought this day, or realization would come, but it has.

So pretty much my entire life, fantasizing about being a woman was always a fetish, or kink.  I would partake in whatever activity that felt right at that moment.  Physically crossdress, read transgender fiction, write transgender fiction, just make up a story in my head because it was quicker, watch porn and pretend I'm the girl, try hypnosis to make myself believe I'm a woman.. You name it, I've probably done it.  So here's the difference I'm noticing lately (probably the last few months).  In the past, I would do the deed and then I would be done with it.  Yes, you know what "the deed" is.  I masturbate, and almost immediately the feeling of wanting to be a woman fades.  That's why I called this a fetish, because that's what it was to me.  It was a tool to get me there, and then when the hormones subsided, I felt like I was ok in my male body.  I had no desire to think about it anymore.  In fact often, if there was any sort of female attire whether it be clothes, or nails, or makeup, and I had sex with my wife I would often continue wearing those things so she didn't think that's all there was to it.  I wanted her to think I was truly transgender and that it WASN'T just a kink.  Well, I can honestly say it's not now.  My wife has been traveling a lot lately, and I'm really noticing that even after I masturbate, my feelings don't change that much.  I will continue to shop for female clothes, research makeup tips, voice tips, etc etc.  I shouldn't care about these things, but I do continue to do so.  I don't know where this journey is taking me, but the idea of living as a woman continues to be a thought on my mind.  At home, at work, it's all I can think about lately.  I'm trying make the effort and reach out to locals on fetlife, I'm trying to figure out how I can really pass out in public.  I'm pushing my boundries by not caring about neighbors and delivery people see me in pink.  In fact I took a new step this week.  I know I can't paint my nails without getting looks (especially at work), but I had an epiphany.  I decided to sand my nails real smooth, then put a coat of clear on top.  I figured if anyone asked (and they haven't all week, again reaffirming my suspicion that people aren't nearly as nosey as I imagine), that I could say I decided to get a manicure and they went a little crazy on the polish.  Soo....
1. I love the way the look, the way the light reflects off of them (even if there isn't color).
2. If I don't look down at them, and rub them with my fingers, they feel smooth like acrylic nails which is a great feeling.

They feel so good on my fingers that I decided to also do my toenails which also look and feel good.