Monday, April 1, 2019

social media accounts crosslinked - my biggest fear

So I'm starting to subscribe to more transgender videos on my alternate transgender gmail account.  I came across this video that quite frankly spooks me (though the video itself is adorable as it's a transexual girlfriend dating a guy that it would seem has come out as genderfluid).
https://youtu.be/51HbzsFhh04

Anyway, he talks about how he made an alternate Instagram account, and because of the way the algorithm works it makes suggestions of "people you may know".  And since apparently he posted photos of himself in his house, one friend recognized who it was, and told other friends, who told other friends, and before he knew it he was outed.

Now myself, I'm basically on 4 social media accounts that I'm active on:
Facebook (I attempted to make a female persona account, but I knew better because of what facebook is trying to achieve so I gave up on it)
Instagram - I only have one account as my male self
Snapchat - I only have one account as my male self
Twitter - I have my main male account (which I'm rarely ever on any more), I have a specific hobby account that I only follow relevant hobby people/companies, and then I have my female persona twitter account.

Now I will say for the last one, I do in my feeds see suggestions to other people, and I'm guessing that if I see those other people do too.  Since I rarely tweet from either of my male accounts, and twitter seems so dead these days, and even if you WERE active most people don't seek out new random people they don't know, I feel fairly safe.  I suppose if someone really wanted to sleuth me out and figure out that I had a female persona, I would hope most of my friends would accept that part of me.

Getting back to the video though, it is interesting that he says most of his friends "accepted it", however they don't want to know about it or hear about it.  Btw, without clicking try to guess which one is the genderfluid male:

I'm guessing if he worked on his voice, he could be very passable in public.

Sunday, March 24, 2019

vagina panties in public

So I decided to go grocery shopping today while wearing them, see how they feel in a public environment.  Honestly in jeans they don't push my butt or hips out very noticeably, but that's not why I wore them.  I wanted that feeling of thicker skin and smooth front while doing a normal activity.  I have to say it was very comfortable, and I did enjoy the feeling.  I could almost see wearing these more often as sort of a way to see if I truly like the different feeling.

I also watched a ton of youtube videos this weekend.  Everything from "my husband came out as trans", to "what it takes to start transitioning", to "nobody told me this is what it would be like".  Lots of great information, and many of it scary.  The common theme I got from all the videos was

It's very expensive - and not surgery, but buying a new wardrobe (already do), buying makeup (already do), going to the salon (I'm good with wigs), Seeing doctors (this is always expensive), and of course the hormones themselves if you decide to go down that path (which you have to obviously take for the rest of your life).

It's a lot of waiting (scheduling an appointment to see a pyschologist, scheduling an appointment to see a doctor, finding the right doctor).

Wives always seem to have to go through a grieving process, though I think my wife is so used to my dressing at home that it would be easy for her.  They also talk about how protective they become, and worry about people attacking you (which my wife definitely has communicated to me).

Thursday, March 21, 2019

vagina panties modified, peeing works, tears...

I'm still shaking..  So I knew the 8" long tube wasn't working out, so I took the plunge and chopped off 4-5 inches off of it, just enough to stretch over my tip (I'm a grower not a show-er).  Did a quick test without putting them on, seemed like it was working but I think having them on would help keep things tight.  Probably shouldn't have stood to test but I wanted to see how it was flowing.  So I wore them for about the past 3-4 hours, waiting for my urine to build up again.  I sat down, biased towards the back of the seat, leaned over.. felt the pressure build up, saw some of the precum dribble at first (yes, this apparently turns me on), then it started to come out.  A small stream of pee started to shoot down.  After about 10 seconds of that it faded away, and I had to let my body build up the pressure again.

The second pee was stronger, it felt.. real.  I just stared down, seeing the pee stream come out like a woman, seeing my flat front with no bulge.. more importantly feeling, good.. normal.. Then the emotions hit me, and the crying built up until I was a sobbing mess crying on the toilet for about 5 minutes straight.  It started out with the though of "Oh my god, this is what it feels like to feel normal in my own skin", and I need to clarify that because I don't feel 100% uncomfortable in my male skin, but I definitely don't feel more than 50% comfortable.  I can remember as a kid hating baths, seeing my ball (yes, I either have one testicle or combined testicles) float in the water.  To this day, I still absolutely hate my ball being played with by my wife and she doesn't understand that at all.

Now the second wave of emotion, the reality of what this means.  I had opened up pandora's box, and once it's opened it can't be closed.  I knew I liked wearing these panties around the house because of the flatness and feeling of having hips, but this was on a whole new level.  I liked having a vagina, I still do.  How was this going to change my life?  How far am I going to take this?  Am I going to want to transition?  How is this going to affect my relationship with my wife?

I've actually been watching a lot of videos.. watching transgender women just talk on chaturbate (yes, some do have conversations and don't just masturbate).  Many of them talk about how even though it's much harder to get an erection (and maintain it), they wouldn't want surgery for multiple reasons.  Doctors are hacks, you'll lose feeling, that the penis doesn't make them any less of a woman, etc.  I gotta say, as much as I like the feeling of ejaculation, I've been having some fun with vibrators lately and not cumming isn't the worst thing in the world.  The buildup can feel almost as good.

So I don't know what to think at this point.  I guess I keep exploring the silicone panties and see where it goes.  Maybe that's enough to satisfy me?  All I do know is that wearing these should be a requirement for anyone even thinking about transitioning, it's about as close as you can get to having a vagina without having surgery.

The difference between crossdressing for a fetish, and dressing because it's becoming your lifestyle

Ok I don't know where to begin so I'm just going to start typing.  I hope others discover this blog who are seeking answers.  I never thought this day, or realization would come, but it has.

So pretty much my entire life, fantasizing about being a woman was always a fetish, or kink.  I would partake in whatever activity that felt right at that moment.  Physically crossdress, read transgender fiction, write transgender fiction, just make up a story in my head because it was quicker, watch porn and pretend I'm the girl, try hypnosis to make myself believe I'm a woman.. You name it, I've probably done it.  So here's the difference I'm noticing lately (probably the last few months).  In the past, I would do the deed and then I would be done with it.  Yes, you know what "the deed" is.  I masturbate, and almost immediately the feeling of wanting to be a woman fades.  That's why I called this a fetish, because that's what it was to me.  It was a tool to get me there, and then when the hormones subsided, I felt like I was ok in my male body.  I had no desire to think about it anymore.  In fact often, if there was any sort of female attire whether it be clothes, or nails, or makeup, and I had sex with my wife I would often continue wearing those things so she didn't think that's all there was to it.  I wanted her to think I was truly transgender and that it WASN'T just a kink.  Well, I can honestly say it's not now.  My wife has been traveling a lot lately, and I'm really noticing that even after I masturbate, my feelings don't change that much.  I will continue to shop for female clothes, research makeup tips, voice tips, etc etc.  I shouldn't care about these things, but I do continue to do so.  I don't know where this journey is taking me, but the idea of living as a woman continues to be a thought on my mind.  At home, at work, it's all I can think about lately.  I'm trying make the effort and reach out to locals on fetlife, I'm trying to figure out how I can really pass out in public.  I'm pushing my boundries by not caring about neighbors and delivery people see me in pink.  In fact I took a new step this week.  I know I can't paint my nails without getting looks (especially at work), but I had an epiphany.  I decided to sand my nails real smooth, then put a coat of clear on top.  I figured if anyone asked (and they haven't all week, again reaffirming my suspicion that people aren't nearly as nosey as I imagine), that I could say I decided to get a manicure and they went a little crazy on the polish.  Soo....
1. I love the way the look, the way the light reflects off of them (even if there isn't color).
2. If I don't look down at them, and rub them with my fingers, they feel smooth like acrylic nails which is a great feeling.

They feel so good on my fingers that I decided to also do my toenails which also look and feel good.

Thursday, March 7, 2019

breastform experiment - 3d print?

So I won't say I'm unhappy with my breastforms.. I mean at $92 how can I?  I do not however like dealing with the seams (both arms and neck), I don't like how unmatched the color is to my own skin (may fix that if I can figure out silicone painting), and it's still getting warm underneath (and the weather is currently 25 degrees Fahrenheit), I can only imagine how much warmer it's going to feel when it's summer.  I literally have a small blister in one area from how warm it got.  So what are the alternate options?

1. I can buy a cheap set of breastforms that looks like silicone that's been literally vacuum sealed for like $40
2. I can buy slightly better ones for like $150 that have decent silicone material, but they are also very unrealistic looking since they are molded in only 1-2 colors
3. Go all the way and spend $1200 on the best breastforms money can buy:

My issue with the last one (yes they look amazing with their imperfect skin and feathered edges that blend into the skin nicely) is not only price, but if you pick the wrong skin tone (or you say.. get tan during the summer), it aint going to match.  Sure, maybe I can use makeup to blend it in, but I don't want this hassle.  So I'm seriously thinking about 3d printing my own breastforms just to mess around.  Yes they will be hard plastic (though I can technically print to a rubber material), but they will also cost me less than a dollar each in material to print (5 hours each).  I studied what shape breastforms have, and essentially it looks like a raindrop cut in half.. Soooo, I went ahead and modeled one:

If I want them to look decent, I will likely have to fill in the layer lines with bondo (or at the very least try to fill with a good primer), but here's one good thing about plastic... I have an airbrush system, I can get the skintone to my liking with plain acrylic paint.  It'll be a neat project for me, and looking through thingiverse there doesn't seem to be anything up there like this.. before you say "well of course, they are boobs", you would be amazed at what's up there.  You can print dildos, chastity cock cages, naked female models, etc etc.  I probably won't upload this simply because too many people have my thingiverse address (unless maybe I create an alternate TG account).

As far as applying this to my chest, typically you use a spray adhesive to attach breastforms that run about $30.  I did find this 4 oz bottle of medical adhesive with really good reviews for only $12 on amazon:


Wednesday, March 6, 2019

Feeling more put together, maybe even passable

So I decided to put on my boobs and vagina panties on tonight.  I just received my choker from the UK etsy store to help blend the line between silicone boobs and my real skin.  With the lace dress I'm wearing, it really goes together (and doesn't look like I'm trying to dress goth)


Looking at myself in the mirror (my photo is cropped for privacy reasons), I've never felt more passable.  If I had on my nails, makeup, and tossed on a purse I feel like I would actually be comfortable in public and I've never had that feeling like.. ever.

Also a side effect, because I feel so sexy (and I'm starting to enjoy the feeling of not feeling the penis bulge), it's starting to be a new turn on.  Like to the point where I'm almost dripping precum, which is making it wet down there like a woman would be, which is only turning me on even more.  Seriously, I've never felt more great in my life than today, and that's saying a lot.

Another new thing I tried tonight, vibrator.. though not an actual one but my toothbrush.  It felt amazing, I've discovered new areas I've never felt before.  It's making me want to buy a real vibrator, but like a good one.  I've had some in the past for pleasing my wife (and one for anal pleasing me), but neither seem that great because it's basically just speed control.  Thinking I want something that ramps up, would feel pretty nice.


Saturday, March 2, 2019

I bought a butt - a review

From Aliexpress of course:
https://www.aliexpress.com/item/Roanyer-Crossdressing-hip-enhancer-silicone-Panties-Drag-Queen-Shemale-crossdresser-Transgender-Sexy-buttocks-Soft-Underwear/32858087811.html?spm=a2g0s.9042311.0.0.40694c4dbke6ab

So this is basically the same seller, same medical silicone that stretches like crazy just like the boobs I bought.  This was on sale for $190 when I bought them (I notice that aliexpress sellers fluctuate prices a lot).  As with most of these silicone products, it's usually a good idea too wash them down with soap as they outgas during molding, and this is getting attached to a rather sensitive area of your body.

So right off the bat, the hips and butt were not as wide as I would have liked.  It does add a little bit, but not like the photo is showing (perhaps if I had a smaller frame it would be more proportionate).  It does seem to pull in your stomach a bit, though the top does want to roll down when you bend over.  I opted for the urination pouch.  Yes, you stick your penis in, and you're supposed to be able to urinate through the clit.  At first when I started to push, I noticed that precum was pushing out at first, even making a bubble at first.  Apparently wearing this was turning me on, but it's hard to tell because you aren't getting a boner wearing this.  Now I gotta say it is not easy pushing urine.  I don't know if I have to retrain my brain, or there's so much gap between the end of my penis and the outhole that I'm having to fill that pocket of air with urine before it pushes out.  Ideally they should have narrowed it down to a thinner tube so it's more like your body's urine tube instead of a hose.  Also if you have any gas, you will feel that bubble travel up your back.

So I went to bed with both this and my boobs on (both a first).  I have to say laying down you REALLY feel what it's like to have a female body.  You have your boobs propping you up as you lay on your side, and you feel nothing down below.  It's interesting to put your hand down there and feel no penis, but feel a clit (even if it's fake).  Two things that weren't comfortable with the butt at all:
1. The silicone is really warm, blankets making it worse.  You may even get heat rash in some areas.
2. The hips (even being soft silicone) don't give like your body does, and even though I have a foam mattress it starts to dig in a little bit when you're lying on your side.  I eventually had to pull them off at 5am when the dogs woke us up.

So should you buy a pair?  I'd say absolutely yes.  Cross dressing is one thing, but there is no feeling like your body having a new shape with butt, hips, flat front, and boobs sticking out and making your clothes look correct.  There's also something to feeling aroused and not having it get ruined by a boner.  It's a feeling I can't describe, but it just feels more right.  That feeling was more real when cum was dripping from my clit making me warm down there.