For probably the last 2 weeks, I think I've masturbated every weekday (weekends I have no time away from my wife, and even if she did condone such things I doubt I'd have the urge to). Why do I bring this up? Well you know how guys talk about how porn is too easy and accessible, and those endorphins become a drug, and in the end you feel like a cold unloved person that's just been milked by a hand that seems to be controlled by it's own brain? Well now throw gender dysphoria into the mix and it feels ten times worse. Unlike a "typical" man that imagines himself fucking whatever girl is on the computer screen at that moment, someone like me 99.9% of the time imagines he's the girl on the screen either sucking cock, or getting fucked, or masturbating her pussy.
So there's a bit more than just feeling cold, there's a disconnect that hurts even more. Sure, I can visualize myself as that girl, I've gotten quite good at doing that over the past 24 years, but it's imagination. I don't get that visual feedback from seeing myself dressed up in the mirror, every move I make is "mirrored" by the reflection. Of course there's more than just the sense of sight, there's 3 more applicable senses:
Feeling - I don't get the sensation of lacey clothes rubbing against my skin, that incredible feeling of hosiery against my legs, earrings dangling from my ears swaying back and forth, long hair tickling my shoulders, long nails extending out beyond my fingertips and rubbing against my skin, feeling heels on my feet, panties gripping my lower region tight, a bra holding my chest up.
Hearing: I don't get to hear my own voice, I don't get to hear female orgasms come out of my mouth
Smell: This is probably the one missing the most from my life. My wife has a very sensitive nose, while I'm quite the opposite (takes a very strong scent to smell). That means she almost never wears perfume, and when she does it's something very subtle and natural. Not like I'm going to force her to wear a scent she doesn't like, or can't stand anymore than her making me wear cologne (which I don't like because the musky smell of what she likes makes me think of beards, and that just makes my skin crawl).
Should I crossdress? Perhaps, but as many of us know, it takes a lot of time to get dressed up (hell, ask any woman), then double that to make a man look decent. Now imagine not getting home till 6-6:30 every night, eating dinner, watching a little TV, then you're either going to bed, or taking your wife to bed while you ponder who you are and start blogging about your thoughts before you go crazy. And while my wife never seems to mind that I dress up, I sometimes wonder if I'd ever get in a mode where I'm living as a woman outside of work all the time. It might make me a happier person, and I think that's all each person in a relationship wants for their signifigant other.
So there's a bit more than just feeling cold, there's a disconnect that hurts even more. Sure, I can visualize myself as that girl, I've gotten quite good at doing that over the past 24 years, but it's imagination. I don't get that visual feedback from seeing myself dressed up in the mirror, every move I make is "mirrored" by the reflection. Of course there's more than just the sense of sight, there's 3 more applicable senses:
Feeling - I don't get the sensation of lacey clothes rubbing against my skin, that incredible feeling of hosiery against my legs, earrings dangling from my ears swaying back and forth, long hair tickling my shoulders, long nails extending out beyond my fingertips and rubbing against my skin, feeling heels on my feet, panties gripping my lower region tight, a bra holding my chest up.
Hearing: I don't get to hear my own voice, I don't get to hear female orgasms come out of my mouth
Smell: This is probably the one missing the most from my life. My wife has a very sensitive nose, while I'm quite the opposite (takes a very strong scent to smell). That means she almost never wears perfume, and when she does it's something very subtle and natural. Not like I'm going to force her to wear a scent she doesn't like, or can't stand anymore than her making me wear cologne (which I don't like because the musky smell of what she likes makes me think of beards, and that just makes my skin crawl).
Should I crossdress? Perhaps, but as many of us know, it takes a lot of time to get dressed up (hell, ask any woman), then double that to make a man look decent. Now imagine not getting home till 6-6:30 every night, eating dinner, watching a little TV, then you're either going to bed, or taking your wife to bed while you ponder who you are and start blogging about your thoughts before you go crazy. And while my wife never seems to mind that I dress up, I sometimes wonder if I'd ever get in a mode where I'm living as a woman outside of work all the time. It might make me a happier person, and I think that's all each person in a relationship wants for their signifigant other.
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