So pretty much my entire life it seems like I've been able to control this female beast inside my head. For some reason today it's really bothering me. Maybe it's my mid-life hormones going goofy, maybe it's not masterbating for 5-6 days, I don't really know. All I do know is that I nearly had a panic attack today. It honestly felt like I was almost having an out of body experience, like even though I was attached to my body, it didn't feel like it was mine because it didn't feel right.
Last night I decided to attempt to half cross-dress. Not my clothes mind you, just my face. I had grown a pretty good stuble after not shaving the entire 3-day fourth of july weekend, so I decided to just shave the left side of my face, then proceeded to only apply makeup to that half. It wasn't quite the dramatic effect, but it was interesting to see both halves of my inner being to compare them instantly side by side. Wasn't the greatest makeup job, but it was also like 9pm at night and I didn't want to get detailed into makeup when I knew I had to remove it only an hour later.
So anyway, getting back to my dysphoria. Something feels different about being in the middle lately. I've always thought of this condition as being more of a blessing than a curse (feeling both sides of the fence and being a truly complete person), but lately it feels more like limbo. I'm neither a male nor a female. I present as male (because that's what society tells me I need to dress as), yet I long to be a woman inside. So in both cases, I'm unhappy. Hence, limbo gendered. Think about other things in life that suck in being neither true or false, but in-between:
Death - limbo: Imagine you die, for some reason you don't go to heaven or hell, you just remain on the planet as a ghost. Some might say that's cool, all the benefits of the living without worrying about food, illness, judgement. Yea, and all the jealousy of the living, and nothing you do has any effect on anything. You'd truly be unhappy pretty quick, and probably look for a way to get out of that mode
Sad / Happy - Limob: Imagine going through life everyday, and neither laughing nor crying. You watch TV, you comprehend what's going on, you understand the story, but nothing makes you laugh, get scared, or anything. You just absorb the material like some sort of lifeless robot.
Missing persons: Imagine a close family member goes missing. Now, they could be alive, but they could also be dead. You have no idea because they are missing, so there's no way to know what status they're in. If you've ever been in that state for a day or two, you'd almost rather they be dead than missing but possibly be alive because at least then you'd have resolution.
Last night I decided to attempt to half cross-dress. Not my clothes mind you, just my face. I had grown a pretty good stuble after not shaving the entire 3-day fourth of july weekend, so I decided to just shave the left side of my face, then proceeded to only apply makeup to that half. It wasn't quite the dramatic effect, but it was interesting to see both halves of my inner being to compare them instantly side by side. Wasn't the greatest makeup job, but it was also like 9pm at night and I didn't want to get detailed into makeup when I knew I had to remove it only an hour later.
So anyway, getting back to my dysphoria. Something feels different about being in the middle lately. I've always thought of this condition as being more of a blessing than a curse (feeling both sides of the fence and being a truly complete person), but lately it feels more like limbo. I'm neither a male nor a female. I present as male (because that's what society tells me I need to dress as), yet I long to be a woman inside. So in both cases, I'm unhappy. Hence, limbo gendered. Think about other things in life that suck in being neither true or false, but in-between:
Death - limbo: Imagine you die, for some reason you don't go to heaven or hell, you just remain on the planet as a ghost. Some might say that's cool, all the benefits of the living without worrying about food, illness, judgement. Yea, and all the jealousy of the living, and nothing you do has any effect on anything. You'd truly be unhappy pretty quick, and probably look for a way to get out of that mode
Sad / Happy - Limob: Imagine going through life everyday, and neither laughing nor crying. You watch TV, you comprehend what's going on, you understand the story, but nothing makes you laugh, get scared, or anything. You just absorb the material like some sort of lifeless robot.
Missing persons: Imagine a close family member goes missing. Now, they could be alive, but they could also be dead. You have no idea because they are missing, so there's no way to know what status they're in. If you've ever been in that state for a day or two, you'd almost rather they be dead than missing but possibly be alive because at least then you'd have resolution.
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