So I was a black girl last night...

In a dream.  There was no transformation scene, all of the sudden the dream started out with me running to a mirror to look at myself because I knew I had just swapped bodies with someone.  I don't know how it happened, I don't know where my old body was, I just knew I needed to take advantage of this situation.  So there I ran to a public bathroom, ironically the men's room.  I checked out my body in the mirror, then realized I probably shouldn't be in here so I ran out to go to the ladies room.

At first it was about checking out my darker skin, my female face, my long black hair.  Of course just seeing my face and body wasn't enough, of course I had to check out my breasts, so I lifted up my shirt and stared at them... then I started fondling them.  I was turning myself on as a woman, but not in a "I'm a woman and I'm imagining a man touching me" kind of a way.  Basically if this happened in real life, my usual reaction, I wouldn't immediately switch sexual preferences.

Then I'm realizing that standing in front of a mirror with my shirt up in a public restroom probably isn't the brightest idea if someone were to come in, so I ran to a stall.  You know what comes next, pull my pants and panties down and check out my pussy.  I didn't look that long, mostly just to see the difference of not having something sticking out down there.  Then I began to rub my clit.  For some reason it felt awkward.  You would think after the many years of watching porn and having sex with my wife it would come completely natural, but I felt like a teenager figuring it out for the first time.  It felt like I was doing it right, but I wasn't really getting turned on.  I had no fantasy to go with this masterbation, what was my fantasy?  I was actually a woman now, where was the fantasy, I was already it.  After what seemed like 10 minutes I finally gave up, then the dream faded away as I woke up with my arm asleep.  No, not from masterbating, because I rolled over in a weird position.  While I waited for the blood to rush back into my hand, I reflected on the dream.

Transgender dream without realizing it

Had a dream where I woke up in my parent's house, and I knew I had to get ready for work.  I started looking for something to wear, but none of my clothes were there.  Frustrated, I was about to give up and simply wear what I had on and maybe just stop at a store to buy a wardrobe, or maybe I simply call in sick?  The closets had nothing but women's clothing in it, clearly someone had moved my clothes... or did they?  Those were my clothes, yet I knew I couldn't wear any of it because I hadn't transitioned yet.  It was oddly frustrating while at the same time deep down subconsciously I knew what was going on.

been in a real funk

This winter has been absolutely brutal, and it's really taken it's toll on me.  I know, 90% of America has felt the affects of polar vortex's, but living in Chicago it meant 3 weeks of -30 temperatures and over 70 inches of total snowfall (it's been above freezing for 2-3 weeks now and there is STILL some snow sitting on the ground where snow banks got 6-7 feet high).  It's taken it's toll on my body causing me to stress eat and managed to put 40-50 pounds back on.  Because I feel bloated and clothes don't quite fit like they used to, I feel less attractive (and therefore I've lost my urge to crossdress).  I guess I can finally empathize how women feel when they fight with weight loss.

Well my wife is in the same boat, so she's taken drastic action by signing up for one of those healthy eating plans where they premake the food and drop it off at your front door (fresh not frozen).  She's going to stick to it for a month or two just to get her used to reduced portions again.  Because it's not cheap ($700/month, or $10/meal, effectively like eating out every meal), she's doing it alone and I'm sticking to oatmeal in the mornings, soup/salad for lunch, and a bigger salad for dinner.  I'm also doing at a minimum 5 minutes of walk/sprints on the treadmill every morning, as well as some stretching yoga on an exercise ball.  They say yoga doesn't help you lose weight necessarily, but it does make you aware of your body and encourages you to want to make healthy choices when you realize how stiff and weak your body really is (something you don't realize when day in day out all you do is get up, eat/sleep/work).

So since I don't really even fit in my current female wardrobe, even though I'm slowly coming out of my funk and the urges are slowly coming back, I still made a purchase (though they will always fit).  I've always wondered what I would look like with glasses, so I decided to buy some fake female glasses:

They're really pretty, I just hope my wife doesn't give me flack for wanting to wear them.  She already gives me flack sometimes when she's frustrated with womenly tasks like shaving and periods, asking me "You sure you want to be a woman?".  I can already picture her saying "You should see how fun glasses are when you have to wear them all the time and they get dirty and scratched".

I mean my intent isn't to make fun of people that have to wear glasses, I just think glasses can sometimes be a nice accessory as much as jewelry is.  The one actress that really pulls this off is penelope from criminal minds.  Not only does she accessorize to the nines, she has like 3 dozen different glasses so that she can match the color to her outfits

Had a nightmare last night

So I'm not afraid to admit it, I've been masturbating a lot lately.  I typically go on benders when I'm really stressed at work.  Releasing endorphins helps ease that a little bit.

Last night I dreamt that I was doing it so often that I made my penis raw, and then suddenly I looked down and see that I've ripped my foreskin, causing a chunk of the tip to fall off.  I freak out, and try putting it back in place, hoping it will bond back together.  It's of no use because I can see the tip starting to turn blue and fall back off.  In my dream I could feel the pain of raw skin rubbing against my pants.  All  I kept thinking was "it's amazing how something so pleasurable can cause so much pain".

Penis in charge

No not that obscure 80's sitcom, your actual penis.

You know what they say, which head is he thinking with?  The one upstairs, or the one in his pants.  I'm starting to realize how much of my life (and my head filled with fantasies) is controlled by the hormone level of my penis.

It's amazing how different my brain thinks when I'm horny compared to when I've done the deed a couple times.  The fact is while I'm writing this I've masturbated twice in about 24 hours.  I typically save up for 3-5 days, then go nuts (no pun intended).

Another thing on my mind (that I feel really guilty for), I probably haven't had sex with my wife in months (maybe even 3-4).  It's been so long that I feel like a stranger in bed, I wouldn't even know where to begin.  It doesn't help that my wife plays the question game almost every time I start "What are you doing?", almost like she's asking me to ask for permission or something (and she wonders why I've lost my motivation?).  I'm actually amazed she's held out.  I know she's tired of being the dominate one (hey sorry if my personality is that way, I can't help it if my mind is wired like a woman), but I'm really surprised she hasn't broke and made the first move.  Maybe she's not attractive to me anymore, maybe she's not really physically attracted but attracted to confident men (I know it drives her crazy if I let her make any decisions).

These husband wife articles are always interesting

Sometimes I wonder if this will be me someday
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2436311/Husband-wife-reveal-BOTH-gay-20-YEARS-marriage.html

Back from vacation

Had an interesting trip to the northwest.  It was one of those vacations where you have some idea of the places you want to go, but the rest you just sorta wing it.  Before we even got off the plane, my wife asked "Oh crap, I was supposed to ask you, did you want to pack some CD clothes?".  I had to do a double take for a second, did she seriously just ask what I think she asked?  She then went to explain that the town we were going to be in is very liberal, and nobody cares what you do.  She also went on to say that it would have probably been a good opportunity because she knows I don't go out dressed now because of my fear of someone recognizing me (but it's also the fear of someone judging me, so double bonus opportunity). Had I known she even had thoughts of such a thing, I would probably have agreed to it.

Anyway, one of my wife's work centers was close by, and one of her co-workers just happens to be gay.  The subject of cross dressing came up simply because of the liberal town we happen to be in.  It almost sounded as if they had this conversation at some point because just before we went into a restaurant he sort of non-nonchalantly prodded me a little bit.  If I remember right, he asked me if I did it because I appreciated the female visual so much that I wanted it wrapped around me, I agreed.  Then he asked me if I had any interest in guys at all, which I replied no (which is mostly true, though a man dressed as a woman excites me, so I'm not sure how to categorize that).  So we get our table, and we start looking at a menu.  I then decide to pull up my "urnotalone" profile page and grab a couple photos of myself dressed up.  I show them to him, he studies it for about half a minute, smiling, then starts nodding and says "wow, you really are pretty, you do that all yourself?", I say yes.  Then my wife chimes in "Isn't he? I hate to admit it, but he does a pretty good job".

So not only did I come out to someone I just met, but I'm finding out things about my wife I didn't even realize.  Not only does she want to see me live out my dream of going out in public as a girl (without it being Halloween), but she honestly thinks I'm pretty dressed up.

Then this odd feeling of guilt starts setting in.  I feel the glow of the compliment, and realize how crappy my wife must feel because I never compliment her.  Now I have to preface before I make the following comment.  I am attracted to my wife, I love her, I don't cheat on her (we are completely open and honest in our relationship).  But the fact is because I'm a crossdresser, I'm attracted to pretty clothes, sparkly jewelry, makeup, hair styling, high heels, dresses.  My wife is almost none of those things, yet I can't say anything because I know she's not comfortable in any of that, and it would only offend her if I asked her to wear any of that.  To top that off, she really likes men with facial hair, something I refuse to do being who I am.  If I expected her to do any of that, I would have to reciprocate otherwise I would be expecting a double standard.

The trip ended with a layover in phoenix, where I saw a gorgeous woman waiting in the terminal.  Now when I say gorgeous, I mean she was just brimming with femininity.  At first glance,  I honestly thought "stripper", but I kept looking.  She looked to be latina, so she had the dark tan skin.  She had long black straight hair with blonde streaks that looked like she just came out of the salon.  She had beautiful shoes, long red nails, big thick red lips, and she had the most perfectly applied false eyelashes.  These drew me in the most, because this is what made her the most feminine of all the attributes.  Then it got me thinking, I really need to practice putting on lashes.