Went on a strange journey last night. Started out by watching "female voice" videos. I think the only way to truly get better is to practice. Whether that be changing your voice, getting better at makeup, anything you want to get better at it takes practice, practice, practice. I think I might start listening to female songs in the car and singing along to train my voice muscles to raise my larynx. I did watch one video talking about how you should swallow and feel for it to get feedback so you can raise it higher.
So I've taken herbal pills as I've blogged about before. I've come REALLY close to ordering real deal hormones from overseas pills. No, I didn't consider it again recently but for some reason I decided to search "self medicate HRT" on youtube last night and go interesting results. Right off the bat I got videos talking about the dangers of doing so. Now it's one thing to read a bunch of text on message boards with almost no emotion, plus when I read I tend to speed read and skip over things. It's a completely different thing when you watch a video of someone that has experienced it first hand, getting emotional and very descriptive. I watched these 3 videos:
https://youtu.be/Wlxf61kKCMQ
https://youtu.be/X5hG7alUpnk
https://youtu.be/6-HeoNZWLvw
The take away I got from them is that it rarely goes well. Self medicating will likely give you horrible stomach pains, headaches, fainting, and even though professional medicating will make you pee more one talked about how she wasn't even retaining water. She would take a drink and immediately have to pee it right out (which is scary to think about dehydrating to death). Above and beyond the possible scary symptoms, things you don't even consider:
1. How do you know if you are even getting what you ordered? If you're ordering one hormone, you might be getting something similar but is something else
2. How do you know you're getting the right dosage? These aren't professional doctors, these are likely resellers that got access to overruns that are just looking to make a buck.
3. How do you know these drugs haven't been sitting in a hot warehouse, either making them inneffective or worse have gone bad?
4. How do you know they haven't added something else in them? For all you know there's arsenic added to them because there's some transgender hater out there trying to genocide as many as they can?
Beyond all of that, they talk about how when they do go off of the hormones (for obvious reasons), and you don't do it gradually, your body raises your male hormones way up to make up for the female hormones you started pumping in your body so you end up worse than you started off. It's sort of like going on a crash diet, and then you go off of it and your body absorbs all it can to make up for the weight it lost and you end up heavier than you started at.
After watching all of that, I stumbled on this video and it just made me even more depressed:
https://youtu.be/b6Pcna6hySw
Why did it make me depressed? Perhaps some jealousy of how beautiful she looks, I mean she is absolutely gorgeous. She looks more female than 90% of women I see today (women don't put nearly the effort into their beauty like they used to), and I only say that because if I was one I would. But mostly it made me depressed because she talks about how comfortable she feels in her skin like she's never felt before. That she's never been this happy in her life, talking about how she's dating a guy and is in love with him. Basically everything we all think about. And yes I know nobody's journey is easy including hers. It's not like she took a pill and woke up the next morning like that. Going to bed last night I had such bad dysphoria I had a really hard time falling asleep, like almost a panic attack. Best way I could describe it is having a horrible stomach pain, and all you can do is try to focus and avoiding that pain. The only way I could truly calm myself down was to realize what I did have. I have a very accepting wife of my crossdressing, I look somewhat decent when I dress up (there are a lot of men that have VERY masculine features on fetlife that don't make convincing women at all). Then I thought deeply what would truly make me happy. I know I don't want to transition (at least not live fulltime and have surgery but I have thought about light hormone therapy to help with the dysphoria). There are too many factors against me to a smooth transition (body issues, career, etc). If I were self employed maybe things would be different. Like when you look at people like Jeffrey Star that owns her own makeup company and makes a LOT of money, she doesn't give a shit what people think because she doesn't have to. She doesn't have a boss to report to, if an employee doesn't accept her, you're fired. Anyway I think what would truly make me happy is continuing to work on getting myself to pass more and perhaps finally making the journey of leaving the house one day. I also fantasize about sucking cock. I met with another crossdresser many years ago and experienced it for a short period, and I can't get that out of my mind. I love playing with my own cock, and I have a true desire to pleasure other men. I make lots of friends on fetlife, but nobody seems to want to pull the trigger to meet because we're all terrified of meeting others even though we all need the support of like minded individuals.
So I've taken herbal pills as I've blogged about before. I've come REALLY close to ordering real deal hormones from overseas pills. No, I didn't consider it again recently but for some reason I decided to search "self medicate HRT" on youtube last night and go interesting results. Right off the bat I got videos talking about the dangers of doing so. Now it's one thing to read a bunch of text on message boards with almost no emotion, plus when I read I tend to speed read and skip over things. It's a completely different thing when you watch a video of someone that has experienced it first hand, getting emotional and very descriptive. I watched these 3 videos:
https://youtu.be/Wlxf61kKCMQ
https://youtu.be/X5hG7alUpnk
https://youtu.be/6-HeoNZWLvw
The take away I got from them is that it rarely goes well. Self medicating will likely give you horrible stomach pains, headaches, fainting, and even though professional medicating will make you pee more one talked about how she wasn't even retaining water. She would take a drink and immediately have to pee it right out (which is scary to think about dehydrating to death). Above and beyond the possible scary symptoms, things you don't even consider:
1. How do you know if you are even getting what you ordered? If you're ordering one hormone, you might be getting something similar but is something else
2. How do you know you're getting the right dosage? These aren't professional doctors, these are likely resellers that got access to overruns that are just looking to make a buck.
3. How do you know these drugs haven't been sitting in a hot warehouse, either making them inneffective or worse have gone bad?
4. How do you know they haven't added something else in them? For all you know there's arsenic added to them because there's some transgender hater out there trying to genocide as many as they can?
Beyond all of that, they talk about how when they do go off of the hormones (for obvious reasons), and you don't do it gradually, your body raises your male hormones way up to make up for the female hormones you started pumping in your body so you end up worse than you started off. It's sort of like going on a crash diet, and then you go off of it and your body absorbs all it can to make up for the weight it lost and you end up heavier than you started at.
After watching all of that, I stumbled on this video and it just made me even more depressed:
https://youtu.be/b6Pcna6hySw
Why did it make me depressed? Perhaps some jealousy of how beautiful she looks, I mean she is absolutely gorgeous. She looks more female than 90% of women I see today (women don't put nearly the effort into their beauty like they used to), and I only say that because if I was one I would. But mostly it made me depressed because she talks about how comfortable she feels in her skin like she's never felt before. That she's never been this happy in her life, talking about how she's dating a guy and is in love with him. Basically everything we all think about. And yes I know nobody's journey is easy including hers. It's not like she took a pill and woke up the next morning like that. Going to bed last night I had such bad dysphoria I had a really hard time falling asleep, like almost a panic attack. Best way I could describe it is having a horrible stomach pain, and all you can do is try to focus and avoiding that pain. The only way I could truly calm myself down was to realize what I did have. I have a very accepting wife of my crossdressing, I look somewhat decent when I dress up (there are a lot of men that have VERY masculine features on fetlife that don't make convincing women at all). Then I thought deeply what would truly make me happy. I know I don't want to transition (at least not live fulltime and have surgery but I have thought about light hormone therapy to help with the dysphoria). There are too many factors against me to a smooth transition (body issues, career, etc). If I were self employed maybe things would be different. Like when you look at people like Jeffrey Star that owns her own makeup company and makes a LOT of money, she doesn't give a shit what people think because she doesn't have to. She doesn't have a boss to report to, if an employee doesn't accept her, you're fired. Anyway I think what would truly make me happy is continuing to work on getting myself to pass more and perhaps finally making the journey of leaving the house one day. I also fantasize about sucking cock. I met with another crossdresser many years ago and experienced it for a short period, and I can't get that out of my mind. I love playing with my own cock, and I have a true desire to pleasure other men. I make lots of friends on fetlife, but nobody seems to want to pull the trigger to meet because we're all terrified of meeting others even though we all need the support of like minded individuals.
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