Tuesday, July 12, 2016

random thoughts - more gender dysphoria

Thought 1 - tried logging into crossdressers.com, haven't visited that site forever.  Couldn't remember my password, heck I wasn't entirely sure what my username is (it's changed a few times from various transgender sites).  I start typing in email addresses, none are coming up as valid.  Finally, one comes up as valid, and sure enough it's a comcast email I don't have access to anymore.  So then I'm on the hunt to figure out what the hell my username was.  I spend a half hour browsing through forum posts from early 2000's.  Then it hit me, I remember commenting on an autogynaphelia post.. I browse through a few using google, I finally find one of my posts.  So then it's a matter of trying a few passwords, and I'm finally back in.  I immediately change my email address to a google one I use regularly now.

Thought 2 - While driving the other day, I looked in my rear view mirror.  The woman driving behind me was wearing a really cute teal top which caught my eye right away.  Then I noticed she was a bit older, maybe late 50's, but still dressing hip.  One of my big worries is getting older, and how my thoughts will change even more.  When you're young, you're horny, you can pass much better when you crossdress, you're limber.  When you reach your 40's, you start to wonder how your testosterone is going to affect you, you wonder if you're so used to seeing your face that you don't realize how masculine you've gotten.  You dread having to dress age appropriate when all you want to do is wear tight sexy dresses and 5" heels.  Then thoughts of "well if you try hard enough, even if your face isn't what it used to be, you can feel good in beautiful clothing"

Thought 3 -  Had a meetup setup for last friday with a VERY local crossdresser.  Was going to meet at a public coffee shop, then head to my place to dress up and see what happens.  about 40 minutes before we meet, she tells me something is going on with her son, has to reschedule.  I say no problem , but then later I wonder did she get cold feet?  She change her mind?  We talked a bunch on KIK and it's been silent this past week (I had the last word).  Are all crossdressers even more shy than me?  How can we be happy if we don't hang out with our own and explore our feelings and thoughts?

Thought 4 - Feeling dysphoria again tonight.  I masturbated the last 2 nights, can't bare to do the deed tonight.  I just know it wouldn't even feel good, and it would only suppress my real feelings.  I read an article the other day about how no matter what intensity of dysphoria we feel, we negotiate with our head to push those feelings down so we don't have to deal with them.  I'm reminded of a GREAT story that Louis CK told that completely applies here.  He starts out about cell phones, but then goes into how we all text while driving because we don't want to be alone because we need that 30 second masterbation because we're willing to risk our lives and other's lives to not feel sad.  We're never really happy or sad, we're just kind of sort of satisfied.  His story goes on where he hears a bruce springsteen song on the radio and he knows it's going to make him sad, but rather than push it away, he embraces it and cries REALLY hard, but it feels good because of the endorphins your body creates to react to it.  It's a good watch: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5HbYScltf1c

Before my wife came home, I had an inkling to shop around ebay for 50's housewives dresses.  Most were rockabilly, and if you wanted a true polka dot dress with the white fold-over sleeves, they all looked like Lucille Ball dresses.  I have this idea that since my wife is getting some bad schedules at work where I might actually beat her home on occasion, sometimes by a couple hours (which means typically I start dinner) that maybe I could dress up as the housewive and really get into the role.  I know this wouldn't bother her, and it would make me feel good.  And so long as I'm doing housework, she's especially good with it.  My only issue I'm struggling with is the time suck.  The time it takes to get ready (if you want to look half-way decent), and the worry and time suck of dressing down depending on how deep of a hole you go down.  The thing I like wearing the most out of anything are artificial nails, and although some of the adhesive pads work pretty good, I've still had many occasions where the nails will pop right off with minimal force, or if I do dishes the water loosens up the glue.  Now sure, I can go ahead and glue them on, but have fun taking those off without soaking each nail in acetone for 5 minutes.  I'm usually willing to take that risk if it's the weekend (because I have time), but the thought of panicking during the work week when they don't come off, and I have to get the dremel tool to grind off the artificial nail without going through the real nail scares me.

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