New breast plate aliexpress - FANTASTIC!

So like what.. maybe 3 months are so ago I bought a breastplate off ebay.  It was $150, full silicone, but it's the typical kind where it's a criss cross strap that comes around the back and is supposed to velcro back in the front (and actually stay).  I talked about how not only does it not stay, that nothing sticks to velcro (so forget about upgrading the velcro) and that the boobs are so close together it looked completely unnatural.  So here's what that looked like:

Not terrible, but not great.. even if it looked good, it fit like crap (hence why I gutted it and just used the silicone boobs in my bra).  So as I posted before I decide to take the plunge on aliexpress again and try one of their breast plates.  I was worried about fit, yada yada.  So the package comes yesterday, it feels sort of heavy.  I think "did they mess up and give me the silicone one instead of the cotton filled?".  After opening the package I realize the silicone plate itself has some heft to it, and now I'm sort of glad I didn't go full silicone because it would be a lot of weight.  The cotton filling feels really squishy but without the weight of silicone.  I start sliding it down my arms not sure if this is ever going to fit.  Now I'm not saying this goes on like a shirt, the silicone is obviously high friction so you have to be somewhat limber to get the roll that develops on your back to fold down, but once it does it becomes very easy to slip into it.  Oh my god does this version of silicone STRETCH.  I was worried I would be squeezed and suffocated, but other than the neck being a tad tight (but not comfortable) it fit amazing.  Also it looks and felt really good, like it was a part of my body.  I always talk about firsts (first time in a dress, first time in panties, first time in hosiery, first time in heels, first time in makeup), this was definitely a first experience really feeling like I had boobs and it felt wonderful.  Anyway here's a photo of what it looks like:

Now you might say "oh you slut, look at those giant jugs you bought".  Again, I bought E cups because a person of my size (6'4" and 300lbs) would have large boobs like this if I were a woman, and because of the bigger chest it means the rest of it fit nicely (and the boobs are pushed sideways more).  The ones above were so pushed together it looked unnatural.  Not sure I would wear a top like this in public (unless it were Halloween) but I would expect to have a chest this size to fit in honestly.

HRT education on youtube

Went on a strange journey last night.  Started out by watching "female voice" videos.  I think the only way to truly get better is to practice.  Whether that be changing your voice, getting better at makeup, anything you want to get better at it takes practice, practice, practice.  I think I might start listening to female songs in the car and singing along to train my voice muscles to raise my larynx.  I did watch one video talking about how you should swallow and feel for it to get feedback so you can raise it higher.

So I've taken herbal pills as I've blogged about before.  I've come REALLY close to ordering real deal hormones from overseas pills.  No, I didn't consider it again recently but for some reason I decided to search "self medicate HRT" on youtube last night and go interesting results.  Right off the bat I got videos talking about the dangers of doing so.  Now it's one thing to read a bunch of text on message boards with almost no emotion, plus when I read I tend to speed read and skip over things.  It's a completely different thing when you watch a video of someone that has experienced it first hand, getting emotional and very descriptive.  I watched these 3 videos:
https://youtu.be/Wlxf61kKCMQ

https://youtu.be/X5hG7alUpnk

https://youtu.be/6-HeoNZWLvw

The take away I got from them is that it rarely goes well.  Self medicating will likely give you horrible stomach pains, headaches, fainting, and even though professional medicating will make you pee more one talked about how she wasn't even retaining water.  She would take a drink and immediately have to pee it right out (which is scary to think about dehydrating to death).  Above and beyond the possible scary symptoms, things you don't even consider:
1. How do you know if you are even getting what you ordered?  If you're ordering one hormone, you might be getting something similar but is something else
2. How do you know you're getting the right dosage?  These aren't professional doctors, these are likely resellers that got access to overruns that are just looking to make a buck.
3. How do you know these drugs haven't been sitting in a hot warehouse, either making them inneffective or worse have gone bad?
4. How do you know they haven't added something else in them?  For all you know there's arsenic added to them because there's some transgender hater out there trying to genocide as many as they can?

Beyond all of that, they talk about how when they do go off of the hormones (for obvious reasons), and you don't do it gradually, your body raises your male hormones way up to make up for the female hormones you started pumping in your body so you end up worse than you started off.  It's sort of like going on a crash diet, and then you go off of it and your body absorbs all it can to make up for the weight it lost and you end up heavier than you started at.

After watching all of that, I stumbled on this video and it just made me even more depressed:
https://youtu.be/b6Pcna6hySw

Why did it make me depressed?  Perhaps some jealousy of how beautiful she looks, I mean she is absolutely gorgeous.  She looks more female than 90% of women I see today (women don't put nearly the effort into their beauty like they used to), and I only say that because if I was one I would.  But mostly it made me depressed because she talks about how comfortable she feels in her skin like she's never felt before.  That she's never been this happy in her life, talking about how she's dating a guy and is in love with him.  Basically everything we all think about.  And yes I know nobody's journey is easy including hers.  It's not like she took a pill and woke up the next morning like that.  Going to bed last night I had such bad dysphoria I had a really hard time falling asleep, like almost a panic attack.  Best way I could describe it is having a horrible stomach pain, and all you can do is try to focus and avoiding that pain.  The only way I could truly calm myself down was to realize what I did have.  I have a very accepting wife of my crossdressing, I look somewhat decent when I dress up (there are a lot of men that have VERY masculine features on fetlife that don't make convincing women at all).  Then I thought deeply what would truly make me happy.  I know I don't want to transition (at least not live fulltime and have surgery but I have thought about light hormone therapy to help with the dysphoria).  There are too many factors against me to a smooth transition (body issues, career, etc).  If I were self employed maybe things would be different.  Like when you look at people like Jeffrey Star that owns her own makeup company and makes a LOT of money, she doesn't give a shit what people think because she doesn't have to.  She doesn't have a boss to report to, if an employee doesn't accept her, you're fired.  Anyway I think what would truly make me happy is continuing to work on getting myself to pass more and perhaps finally making the journey of leaving the house one day.  I also fantasize about sucking cock.  I met with another crossdresser many years ago and experienced it for a short period, and I can't get that out of my mind.  I love playing with my own cock, and I have a true desire to pleasure other men.  I make lots of friends on fetlife, but nobody seems to want to pull the trigger to meet because we're all terrified of meeting others even though we all need the support of like minded individuals.

been a while, random thoughts

So since my last entry, I've bought a few things.

One thing I've been wanting for a while is a nice comfy pink pajama set.  I have fuzzy pants with pink/black plaid and a cotton top to match.  I've been wearing it a lot this winter as not only is it warm, it feels good to crossdress a little everyday without much effort.  Only thing I don't have are some nice fuzzy pink slippers, but finding them in my foot size has proven difficult.  there are a few options on etsy, but many of it is made to order, and my concern is that by the time it's made and shipped, the cold will leaving and I won't really get to enjoy them.

Secondly, I'm still trying to get into bodyshaping.  I've effectively given up on my breast plate.  It doesn't fit well, the velcro doesn't stay (and the new stronger velcro I bought I can't get to glue onto the silicone even with specific silicone adhesive).  Not to mention the breast plate I bought has boobs that are very close together which isn't realistic.  I have two mounds directly in front that looks very un-natural.  So for the time being I cut the boob chunk away from the straps and have been just using them as breast fillers in my bras (so I have the weight/bounce and fill).  I did take another risk on aliexpress and ordered a breast plate that also goes down below the breast line and up the neck (so you aren't forced to wear a necklace to cover up the line between silicone and your skin).  It's on sale for $99 ($93 with coupon, free shipping) so it's low risk.  I worry I'm going to have issues trying to squeeze this over my body, but the comments claim the new silicone material they use is more stretchy, and there's a couple plus sized customers that posted photos so I think it'll work (Seems like the E-cup is also larger on the chest than the smaller boob sizes).  Now it does have cotton filler in the boobs so there isn't the weight I want, but if it does fit decently and I like it, I may opt to pickup a silicone version for $240, or I may just yank the cotton out and put my existing silicone boobs I cut out inside.
https://www.aliexpress.com/item/Top-quality-E-Cup-Realistic-Silicone-Breast-Forms-Artificial-Boobs-Enhancer-Crossdresser-vagina-for-man-shemale/32823153808.html?spm=a2g0s.9042311.0.0.e1954c4dwNPVAA

I ordered some 2" polyurethane foam off ebay for like $20 to try to make my own butt/hip pads a couple months ago, recently finally finished cutting them.  My shape is decent, but the foam I bought isn't as soft as I would have liked so it doesn't want to contour to my body so well.  2" might also be going overboard on thickness.  Every silicone and foam panties I searched all seem to be china imports with waists that only go up to like a 34".  Now it's entirely possible that's just the non-stretch size and it could still fit, but I'm not very trusting of China's size charts based on experience.  I nearly pulled the trigger on some foam inserts off etsy for $110, but then I stumbled on a website called bubbles bodywear.  They seem to cater to women that just want to enhance their flat shape, but I don't see why it wouldn't work for men that want curves.  What I like about the product is that it seems to have a good transitional look, and the panties actually goes up to large sizes.  Plus I'm going to order extra butt and hip pads to go behind the stock pads to boost shape even more if I don't think it's giving me the shape I want.  Out the door I'm looking at $80 with free shipping (and they take paypal).  This is really about the only solution I've found (and actually fits).
http://www.lovemybubbles.com/padded-hip-butt-panties.shtml

Thirdly, I've been wearing nails on free weekends a lot.  I try to get my shopping done early so I can just hide out at home.  A couple times I've answered the door with long nails for food delivery, and amazingly didn't really get a reaction.  Either the delivery person didn't really notice, or they really just don't care.  This is my small toe dipping into exposing myself to the world, and I'll take it.  One other thing I'm starting to get good at is typing with nails on.  Early on I couldn't comprehend how any women type with nails, but the more I practice the more my body adjusts to these longer appendages and I can almost type as good without nails.