dipping in deeper

So I've been trying to be more active on fetlife, scope out local events.  Someone made a post about having a house party.. sounds like someone is traveling from southern illinois on business and rather than rent a hotel they decided to rent a house.  This sounded so ideal.  Not public, multiple crossdressers.  So I brought it up to my wife, which meant messaging her because I have such a difficult time speaking those words (but typing seems easier even though I know I'm going to have to talk about it anyway).  But once I sent out that message there was no turning back.  So she initially asks me "Why are you asking me if it's ok?", and in my mind I'm thinking she wants to know what's going to go on there.  I say it's for a couple reasons, one because it's just before a work trip she's leaving for.  But then I also say that there might be playing, which is code word for casual sex.  Now when I say sex, I don't mean penetration.  Don't know if I'll ever get to that point, but I have given a handjob and blowjob.  So then she wants to know more about this party, and I say it's on fetlife and they made a post and a bunch of others on the site replied about wanting to attend (who I also don't know).  Her concern isn't about what might go on, but that these are complete strangers and we live in a scary world (and for all I know this person hosting is really a LGBT murderer) which I can't really argue.  I told her I admit I have transgender blinders on and I'm glad we're having this conversation.  In her words "I don't care about your lifestyle, sounds like you're trying to embrace it more, but I want you to come home.. I don't want to have to explain to my family the reason you got murdered at some stranger's house".  So then I tell her about this other event that's public, and she's more ok with that.  In public you're less likely to have something happen, you can slowly build relationships with perhaps people that go regularly.  We actually used to go to these BBW dances, in one case we swung with another swinging couple.  She sort of compared it to that.  She asked if it was open to couples, which it is.  She asked if I wanted to go alone or with her coming.. and I said I wasn't sure.  And she asked why, and I said I wasn't sure if I wanted to go as male or female, but if it was female I would definitely want either her or a friend I've been chatting with on fetlife for support.  I'm absolutely frightened of going out in public dressed at this point (unless it's halloween).  I'd feel more normal if at least one person was there to support me (and I know she would, she gets extremely protective of me if I'm being attacked).  She then asked if she came with if I would want her in girl or butch mode, wanting to know which I'm more comfortable with.  I told her I probably wouldn't care either way, I'd be perfectly ok representing as a "lesbian".  When I'm dressed up I'm definitely in that female mind, but since I know I prefer being with another crossdresser as apposed to just some dude dressed as a dude I guess I'd favor her being more femme.  Only thing is, I know she prefers her tomboy lifestyle but I'm sure if it were for something special like this she would try to dress up more for me.

SO! I'm sort of glad I opened up this pandora's box because I know it's going to push me in the direction I want to be, and I know how she feels.  She's ok with me dressing in public, and playing with others (she's played with other guys/girls in the past), hence it's confirmed our relationship is still open.