strange dream last night...

So I'm back at my boy-hood home.. had nothing to do with the dream.  Seems my brain likes to make the background here since I probably feel safe and unstressed (life before mortgage and careers).
So some friend is over, but I can't tell which friend.  There's a pile of female clothes sitting on the floor, and my friend says "why don't you try those on, my girlfriend left them here".  I'm a little thrown back at first, so I just put on the hosiery.  Things don't seem weird, so I go ahead and put on the strappy open toed heels.  Well that didn't seem to rouse any strange looks, so I go ahead and put the dress on.  Still no reaction, so then I think to myself "Hey, why don't I complete the look by putting on my wig and false nails, and before I can even grab those things, I'm already wearing both of them.

Not sure what the message was, though I did have desires to crossdress this weekend and didn't get a chance because I got busy doing other things.  Maybe this was my brain's way of making up for a missed opportunity?

Thoughts lately...

So me and the wife watched "I am cait" together for maybe the first few episodes.  They were a bit boring, and it felt very "this celebrity is so out of touch with the real world" vibe.  We stopped watching it because our DVR gets filled up, which pushes lower priority shows behind.  She's been out of town, and I was running out of things to watch on my own, so decided to finish off the series.  It never really got better, about the only highlight is that Mimi Marks showed up (she's a local Chicago performer at the Baton Lounge).  It's odd not having seen her in at least 15 years, and although she still looks good you can see the aging.

So perhaps the one thing that really popped out at me (and I'm completely aware of it, and completely understand it), but perhaps I refuse to embrace is the whole separation of gender and sexual orientation.  Meaning you can feel one way about your gender (how you wish to live your life, present yourself to most people most of the time), and then there's the sexual orientation (how you're sexually attracted to other people).

So for me, I feel pretty strongly being a male GENDER.  I like dressing up, I like to think about dressing up, but it doesn't cloud my life.  I have a lot of things going on in my life that keep me busy (work, family, hobbies) to not worry about being a woman.  Not to say I don't occasionally like the idea of just dressing up to dress up and not be sexual (but more of a comforting feeling), but it's few and far between.  Take this past weekend for example, I could have dressed up.  I could have gone the full nine yards, but I know what the outcome would be.  I'd get sexually excited, I'd be alone, and I would crave masterbation, and in 5-10 minutes all the work for nothing (yes, I'm one of those people that once the deed is done, I feel little attachment to continue presenting as female).  So what did I do?  I put on fake french nails on one hand, played a while, and got it out of my system.  Crappy part of that is I didn't have "nail glue", or those little glue pads that help them stick so I wound up using super glue.  Yes, it's not ideal, but if you coat the nail with clear polish it creates a nice barrier between so you're not ripping nail layers off.  I was slightly freaked out at first because the nails weren't coming off, even with acetone.  But after soaking them a good 2-3 minutes each, they came off reasonably easy.

So now let's jump into the SEXUAL part.  I would define myself as a bi-sexual female.  Now grasp that concept for moment.  Not only am I caught between gender roles (yes I play a man most of the time, but whether I dress up during sex or not my brain is certainly tuned to thinking I'm a woman), but I'm not even picky on my partner.  Perhaps that just goes with the territory of the whole gender flipping fantasy?  In the end, it can be very difficult switching to such extreme sides.  I don't want to say transgender people have it easier (they deal with the real society), but at least they can be consistent from day to day, and often have a focused gender role in mind.  It's not like I can shave my arm hair, it's not like I can go have plastic surgery to my face and not have people notice.  I can't pierce my ears, I can't leave my nails painted or long, I can't have as large of a female wardrobe as I might like because I still have to support my male side.  At times it can be fun, but often it can be tiring going from one end of the spectrum to the other.  I wonder if this isn't sometimes the cause for pushing this side away.

It's different when it's one of your own?

Ok so I belong to a hobby that's somewhat niche.  It's sort of a sport, but not really, but most certainly a very high percentage of men versus women.  Anyway that's besides the point.  So the hobby I speak of has a message board, a very large one.  Somehow the subject came up of talking about Caitlyn Jenner maybe a week ago.  Right off the bat it was a joke about his transitioning, which got quickly downvoted.  While a handful of people continued to make jokes, many jumped in and defended transgender people (which was somewhat surprising, guess not everyone in this hobby is a narrow minded jerk).  It was also interesting to see who upvoted those that defended and downvoted those that continued to make jokes.  After about a day, the mods eventually locked the thread down.

So fast forward to this past weekend, attended a show about this hobby (which is interactive).  I'm walking around, checking things out, and out of the corner of my eye I spot what seems like a crossdresser.  Broad shoulders, a build like a football player.  Strappy heels, shaved legs, black skirt with purple ribbon, long black straight hair, but a manly sweatshirt and no makeup or long nails.  I tell myself "don't stare, don't stare, I think it's one of us".  I don't see him again, and I assume it was just a manly woman (surely there aren't crossdressers in my hobby, I've never seen one in my life and if there were they'd stay in the closet).  So people are commenting about other things about the show, including a guy waiting in line that decided to insult some ladies.  Pretty much everyone wants to call this guy out (funny how they all want more women in the hobby, but do little when women are insulted at events).  Then someone posted a random photo of themselves taking a selfie with the crossdresser!  So of course I have to ask "So who is this person, I saw them at the show?" and almost immediately people start saying exactly who he is (and posting other photos of him at other similar type locations), even giving out his full real name.  Not only is this person obviously secure with his half gendered appearance, but not a single joke or insulting comment about him.  He's totally accepted in this hobby as he is.

So that begs the question, did people learn their lesson about the Jenner jokes, or does it become peer pressure of "Well I better not speak up about making fun of them.. because they're part of my hobby and I might run into them, or if I say something I might be the only one with that opinion and I'll look like the ass".  It's almost as if because it's expected to make fun of celebrities (no matter what it's about), but when it's someone in your own circle, then it becomes something different.  Sort of like if you have parents that are homophobic, but you come out to them suddenly they realize they have to accept it (or their viewpoint changes).

I also wonder if I could get away with a little gender bending cosplay at the next event in the spring?

HolySiz - powerful video

Since I don't have a tumbler account, I'm just going to make a blog post about it, and give Jack Molay credit.  So this is a band from the UK, music video released last year.  I saw Jack tweet it, emailed the link to myself so I could watch it later.  Ok, cue sad music.  Little boy wears a dress to school, Ok so showing the feelings of being a transgendered kid.  Then watch the girls giggle, watch the boys make fun of him.  Then it goes home, watching his father get frustrated with his transgender son, and taking away his my little pony, mother offended her husband isn't supporting him.  Then cue the scene where his dad gets upset at a teacher parent conference (clearly the dad is never going to get it, or be open-minded)  Then cue to the dad watching another father play basketball with his son, cue next scene he grabs his son in disgust, as if to feel obligated to deal with this issue.  Then you see the boy dressed in boy clothes, looking depressed that he has to simply accept society's pressure to fit in with gender lables.. But then he looks up and smiles, and it hits you like a brick (I cried.. REALLY HARD, and not sure why it hit me so hard, but I'll try to give my viewpoint).  So there's his dad, in a dress (ok, so he suddenly flipped to supporting his son, awesome).  Then you see him holding onto his son's dress (awesome again, he's even pushing his son to do what he feels natural).  Then you see the crowd around look, some facial expressions of acceptance, some of joy, some still of laughing at the situation.  Then you're filled with feelings of "Shit, I wish I was that boy now, with my dad accepting me like that".  I guess it's just a bunch of emotions all hitting you at the same time, and it's simply emotion overload.

What a great dream last night, why did it end?

So I woke up about 8am, after a dream I wish hadn't ended (and going back to sleep of course didn't let me continue it).  So in my dream, I believe I was back in high school.  I remember seeing bus stops (like I was going to school), and I was still living at home, and my brother was still alive.  So I remember heading to school, and for some reason I had the knowledge that the entire school had been told I was transitioning, and that I was to be referred to as a girl.  I went to the first day of school dressed in my usual attire, jeans, sneakers, and a polo shirt.  As I walked around, people kept asking me "Umm, I thought you were transitioning or something?".  It was as if I had actually dissapointed everyone by not living up to what I claimed I had set out to do.  I remember coming home, and thinking how far I wanted to dress girly the next day.  It felt so good to be pushed into what ultimately I would have liked to have lived my life as, as apposed to struggling what people would think if I went out into the world dressed as a girl.

HRT 2 weeks, now off..

So I took my 3 pills daily for 2 weeks straight (one purifca, 2 saw palmetto).  Didn't notice any change in my body or skin, or breast growth (not surprising).. I felt a little more at peace with myself, like maybe a little more normal.  I mean I still read TG blogs, still fantasized when I wanted to do the deed (which performance wasn't affected either, but I wouldn't say enhanced either)  I also didn't feel like I obsessed about trangender thoughts throughout the day.

I'm about 5 days off of it, and today the urges are strong.  I feel like I'm having withdrawals.  Like all day during work I thought about crossdressing, any female photo I saw as I flicked through my facebook feed I'd pause and fantasize what it would be like to be her.  If my wife weren't in such a stressful period in her life right now, I would have totally crossdressed tonight.  She's leaving for a trip in a couple days, and I have a feeling that if these urges don't settle down, I'm going to be a mess psychologically.  I'm gonna need a lot of feminine attire to cope with this.

A small part of me is worried that now that my body has had a taste of normalcy and balance that this may not go away until I go back on it.

Hormones --> [ Start ]

"Take the pink pill, and your allergies will mellow out for 24 hours.  Take the white pill, and see how far down the rabbithole you can go Alice"


Well I ordered a bottle.  Since my wife shares my amazon account, she sees everything I buy and vice versa (we have our own email addresses, but we share a prime account).  So what I ended up doing is sending myself (alternate email address) a prime invite (so I could still get free shipping), and ordered it through that account.  I wanted to down it right away, but I wasn't sure if I could (or should) take a whole pill.  I mean look at it, 150mg, that's a lot right?  Well reading blogs, I've heard some people take 800mg twice a day.  One 150mg pill can't hurt, right?  So after confirming I was pretty safe, I went ahead and took a pill.  Of course I don't feel any different, I don't expect to feel different for at least a week (if not more).  Heck, for all I know it does nothing (but it will probably have some effect one me).

I was thinking about ordering more than one bottle, but this is sort of my test run.  If I feel like this is something I'm going to continue with, it won't be long before my wife goes out of town again and I can order then.  I could also have it shipped to work.  I mean not like anyone cares about a box coming from Amazon, and even if it somehow got opened by our shipping department all I would have to say is that my wife must have accidentally clicked on the wrong address when she checked out.

transgender is in?

So it seems like ever since Bruce Jenner came out, and recently changed his name to Caitlyn (I still need to buy a copy of vanity fair), there's been a lot of my friends on facebook posting positive LGBT links on facebook.  I just saw recently that a bunch of people are sharing that story about Laverne Cox from "orange is the new black" confronting a 7-year old transgender girl saying that transgender is beautiful.  I also hate her because she's been quoted as saying "I'm not going to get feminization surgery like Jenner".  Bitch, have you looked into a mirror lately?  I don't think you need it like some people do. 

All this positive light on this topic makes me happy, but at the same time filled with anxiety.  I thumb posts like that up, but then I'm like "Oh you support that, wouldn't you like to know I am one".  But I know that I can't, at least not publicly.  It's not something I'm comfortable with revealing (and facebook is pretty much the front page newspaper for your inner circle).  I don't know if I'll ever be comfortable telling anyone besides my wife (my parents and friends still don't know about my secret lifestyle).

haven't crossdressed in months...

Literally.. Since the March posting, I haven't dressed up.  Life's been busy (especially on the weekends), urges aren't there.  So this past weekend was a little more laid back.  After getting a few things done on friday night and saturday morning, I finally told my wife around 5pm on Saturday night that I was going upstairs to go dress.  She said ok, and I began my transformation.

It was my chance to try on my wig with everything else.  I had also bought some foundation from recommendation from another TG blogger site.  Not sure if it was so magical like they claimed, felt like any other foundation (I still want to try some of that spray on foundation).  Anyway, I finished my makeup, even did eyeliner and false lashes.  Amazingly, they went on fairly easy this time (go figure).  Since making my own foam padding (butt and hips), I decided to wear my somewhat tighter club dress I bought off ebay a while back that showed off my body better.  I even wore my false glasses even though I wasn't sure what my wife would think of them (I asked her when I went down, and she really could care less.  She said if I like them what does it matter?).

I bought some cheaper artificial nails because the KISS nails can be expensive ($10/set).  I bought some alternates that were $5 each and I regret it.  First set were pink, and they came off after one hand washing.  Dissapointed, I went ahead and tried the other set (I think the same crappy brand), but these were french style and came with a small file and some alcohol to prep the surface.  That seemed to help, in fact they lasted all night and into the next morning, but the first time I used them to pry something it started to become detatched (you get what you pay for).  I even went to bed with all my makeup still on (something I don't think I ever did).  Waking up the next morning, my lashes were barely hanging on, but my makeup wasn't that badly smeared.

A few take-aways from this longer experience:
1. Dressing as a woman (at least the way I like to) is constricting.  There's fewer things you can do with the tighter clothing.  I also find myself very aware of my makeup (don't get lipstick on the straw, chew food carefully, don't let the dogs lick your face).
2. Getting ready really does take a long time.  Maybe it's worse for crossdressers than women (I'd like to believe that anyway), but it never seems like I'm in the bathroom for an hour getting ready.  Maybe I'm just so out of practice, but if I did it everyday I could get it done under 30 minutes?

hypocrits

Ok so I need to vent.  So probably like what, 10 years ago we used to be friends with this couple.  One of their halloween parties I get the nerve to do a reverse gender costume with my wife where I'm the nurse and she's the doctor.  A little bit later I reveal that I wasn't necessarily doing it for reaction, that I occasionally crossdress.  I remember getting a few teasing snarky remarks from the husband.

So fast forward a year or two, and one day the husband comes out as gay, says he's had these feelings in college, they split up and he moves to another state.  She's devastated at first, but learns to accept that he's living the life he wants.  Weird part is that she remains friends with him, and flies out to see him and his gay friends every few years.  Ok fine, lots to not understand in this world, I'm willing to accept that.  Apparently he continues to stay friends with many of the inner circle people in our group, as Facebook clearly shows over the years.  So then today the topic of makeup comes up from one of the women in the group, and out of the blue this gay ex-husband starts spouting advice (as he usually does, one of those experts of everything types).  Then, he posts photo of himself dressed in drag, and includes his female persona name?!  Excuse me, I thought you were gay not a drag queen.  And did you forget how much flack you gave me for my lifestyle choice, how dare you post that?  Funny enough, ONLY his ex-wife liked the post, and the woman posting the question said her daughter looked at his drag photo and said "Who's the ugly girl?", so I guess there is some kharma in the world.

And so it starts.. slowly

So I was walking through walmart for some groceries yesterday, decided to walk through the pharmacy section.  They did indeed have Saw Palmetto, 2 bottles for $8.

They did have black cohosh but I didn't grab it (good to know they stock it).  They didn't have Pueraria Mirifica either, so it looks like I'm going to have to order that online (GNC doesn't stock it either).  Been getting into crossdressing more, so much so that I've decided to create foam padding to give myself hips and a butt.  I used to own a pair of those foam padded panties (hips only), but I don't know what happened to it.  Besides it never did much to add noticeable shaping.  I bought 4 layers of 1" soft foam, cut the shapes, then chamfered the edges and smoothed it out to give it a round shape.  I glued the butt pieces onto an old pair of high tucking panties I usually wear, but the sides I have to tuck into hosiery because the panties have to stretch to make room.  I have to say, it makes a huge difference.  Between hips/butt, sucking my stomach in with a corset, and a bra it gives me such a more femminine figure.

Best orgasm without an orgasm?

Ok so I had a weird experience last Friday night.  So I was crossdressed, wife came home fairly late.  Watched TV until about midnight, both headed to bed.  I undressed, but kept my nails on.  While my wife fell asleep, I decided to play.  I stroked myself a little, then played with my nails, making sure I rubbed my nails against my skin so I was aware of them.  I got hard fairly quickly, and I just kept rubbing myself.  I got a little wet, but never felt like I could cum.  I could feel myself passing out in a half sleep for about half a minute, then the hornyness woke me back up and I continued on (almost like being in a hypnotic state).  At one point, I had my fingers bunched up in a vagina shape, and I was holding it still while I fucked my hand (but fantasized I was sticking a dildo in my vagina).  This probably went on for almost an hour, and it was so hot and I was so hard.  The next morning I woke up before my wife and decided to finish the session I had the night before, but there wasn't nearly as much excitement or stiffness.  It was almost as if I had an orgasm... without ejaculation?  It was probably the closest I've ever felt to having a female orgasm in my life.

As I'm writing this now, I'm fully dressed again (on a weekday) which is unusual for me.  My wife was a little surprised too and asked me why I decided to, and I just said "felt like it".  I figure if she's going to question me dressing when she's not home, why not reassure her by dressing while she is home.  I'm really starting to feel one of those pink waves, like I could see myself dressing every night this week sort of waves.

It's been a while

I always say when you can't remember the last time you crossdressed, it's been too long.  My wife is out with her friend tonight, so I thought to myself "I"m going to work on my favorite hobby while wearing heels".  Of course by the time I got upstairs to the bedroom, that quickly changed to "Well as long as I have everything dragged out of my box, I might as well pick out an outfit.  Granted I didn't go the makeup or fake nail route, I feel pretty good in my spandex black dress, hosiery, 5" heels wig, and fake glasses.  Yea, I bought some fake glasses off ebay probably 6 months ago, and I've been wavering on whether I like the concept of wearing glasses.  I mean I suppose I should be thankful I don't need glasses, but I do like the idea of changing the look of my face, and I also think it hides the face a bit which is always a plus.  In fact I think if I ever got the courage to dress outside of my house, I'd probably want to use glasses as a crutch.

Anyway, I just feel really good tonight, I'm doing what I like, and the clothes are making me feel wondrous.  In fact while I was working, I talked to myself in my female voice to practice, and after a while it started to feel natural, which also felt good.  On another subject,  I had a discussion with the person that runs the crossdreamers forum.  He suggested I try some herbal hormones to help calm me, specifically Pueraria Mirifica.  Now I had heard for years that herbs are useless, they don't contain anywhere near enough hormones to do anything (SNAKE OIL!) they say.  Well I've been reading up on it, and apparently this herb is the most potent out there.  Like if you took enough of it for 3-6 months, it would actually start reshaping your body.  Not quite as potent as prescribed medication, but the fact that it does anything is amazing.  I also read that Soy Isoflavones, Black Cohosh Root and Red Clover Blossom all have some estrogen properties (typically used by women over 40 for hot flashes)
So then I started looking up testosterone blockers.  The first on the list is Saw Palmetto, which apparently is actually a somewhat safe and recommended pill for men over 40 because it helps promote a healthy prostate.  See, I've been saying for years that testosterone is no good! :-)

So now I'm at a crossroads, do I experiment with this stuff?  It's all herbal, how bad can it be?  I'm also starting to strongly feel that mid-life crisis, and not the sports car kind.  I'm feeling like I'm on the tipping edge of aging, and if I don't experience this lifestyle now, I'll regret it.  I feel as though I should order this and have it shipped to work.  Not that I'm afraid to tell my wife, but I just don't think she could every understand how I feel in my body, plus she worries.  A LOT!  Like, I've gotten into the habit of telling her everyday when I'm on my way home from work because she worries about me getting into a car accident.  Like she's told me that if I ever died, she wouldn't know what to do with herself.