Thursday, March 21, 2019

The difference between crossdressing for a fetish, and dressing because it's becoming your lifestyle

Ok I don't know where to begin so I'm just going to start typing.  I hope others discover this blog who are seeking answers.  I never thought this day, or realization would come, but it has.

So pretty much my entire life, fantasizing about being a woman was always a fetish, or kink.  I would partake in whatever activity that felt right at that moment.  Physically crossdress, read transgender fiction, write transgender fiction, just make up a story in my head because it was quicker, watch porn and pretend I'm the girl, try hypnosis to make myself believe I'm a woman.. You name it, I've probably done it.  So here's the difference I'm noticing lately (probably the last few months).  In the past, I would do the deed and then I would be done with it.  Yes, you know what "the deed" is.  I masturbate, and almost immediately the feeling of wanting to be a woman fades.  That's why I called this a fetish, because that's what it was to me.  It was a tool to get me there, and then when the hormones subsided, I felt like I was ok in my male body.  I had no desire to think about it anymore.  In fact often, if there was any sort of female attire whether it be clothes, or nails, or makeup, and I had sex with my wife I would often continue wearing those things so she didn't think that's all there was to it.  I wanted her to think I was truly transgender and that it WASN'T just a kink.  Well, I can honestly say it's not now.  My wife has been traveling a lot lately, and I'm really noticing that even after I masturbate, my feelings don't change that much.  I will continue to shop for female clothes, research makeup tips, voice tips, etc etc.  I shouldn't care about these things, but I do continue to do so.  I don't know where this journey is taking me, but the idea of living as a woman continues to be a thought on my mind.  At home, at work, it's all I can think about lately.  I'm trying make the effort and reach out to locals on fetlife, I'm trying to figure out how I can really pass out in public.  I'm pushing my boundries by not caring about neighbors and delivery people see me in pink.  In fact I took a new step this week.  I know I can't paint my nails without getting looks (especially at work), but I had an epiphany.  I decided to sand my nails real smooth, then put a coat of clear on top.  I figured if anyone asked (and they haven't all week, again reaffirming my suspicion that people aren't nearly as nosey as I imagine), that I could say I decided to get a manicure and they went a little crazy on the polish.  Soo....
1. I love the way the look, the way the light reflects off of them (even if there isn't color).
2. If I don't look down at them, and rub them with my fingers, they feel smooth like acrylic nails which is a great feeling.

They feel so good on my fingers that I decided to also do my toenails which also look and feel good.

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