Wednesday, April 11, 2018

Dysphoria last night

I've been pretty stressed lately.. My wife's job is on edge, my job is secure but my projects are requiring a lot of my time (and overtime) and focus, top that with a side business I run from my home.  My wife went to bed early (as she is tonight which is why I decided to blog), and earlier we had done a little bit of light purging (garbage or sell on ebay).  I'm selling a few purses, and a pair of 5" heels that have been sitting in the closet for probably the past nearly 2 decades worn only once.  My wife has always been overweight, so heels and her don't get along.  I think I bought them at one point thinking even if she didn't walk in them, she could maybe at least wear them in bed to spice things up.  Clearly she wasn't on the same page (and we wonder why my dysphoria gets so bad sometimes).  I truly think that if my wife wore things that I enjoy seeing, I wouldn't get so pushed into having to wear it myself.  I know that sounds really selfish, but think about how my brain works.  I truly enjoy the female form and all the things they get to wear, and I don't even get to see it unless I put on the heels and nylons (or makeup for that matter).  Yes, I've talked before how my wife is a tomboy, and 90% I'm perfectly happy with that, but it would sure be nice to see her dress up too.

Anyway, so after she went to bed, I had discovered an old wig I hadn't worn in a long time buried, so I grabbed it and put it on when I got back downstairs.  Then I decided to fire up a game called fortnite (massively multiplayer shooting game that resembles hunger games).  This was my first time playing, and I had not realized that when you're a newbie it starts you out as a girl (as you rank you get to be a dude), but sometimes it switches back to a different strong female even as you rank up.  Well this struck a chord with me because all my life playing video games I favored female characters.  Chun-li on street fighter, Orchid on Killer Instinct.. Ok I did favor sub-zero on mortal kombat, but that's only because the female characters usually sucked.  Many gamers claim they like playing the female characters because they don't want to stare at a dude while they're playing.  I know I play the females because I'd rather picture my character female.

All day today I had a hard time concentrating on work, instead fantasizing about dressing up, about writing fiction stories, about if I was a millionaire I would probably spend most of my time creating male to female transformation videos, or maybe even prank MTF videos where dudes wake up in women's clothing.  The more I thought about this today, the more I realize I really need to embrace my female size in whatever way possible.  Whether that means wearing female clothing under my male clothing at work, whether that means crossdressing when I get home (even if it's something quick thrown on).  I feel like many people (including myself) feel like it has to be all or nothing, and I'd like to toss that theory out.  Even if I'm wearing my male clothes but toss on a wig, or maybe I just put on some nails, or a pair of earrings.. Anything that can connect to my inner female could help soothe my soul.


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