extended crossdressing = dysphoria

Finally took my nails off Sunday night after I broke 2 more off and figured it was a good time to remove them.  I could have glued them back on, but then that glue would be fresh and harder to take off later.  As with most crossdressing, especially extended periods of time, when you do go through de-dressing it feels just as weird to have those things removed after getting used to them.

I had a pretty normal day at work, which is to say I kept very busy.  I did have a few small moments of "what clothes would I wear to pass if I did go all the way and crossdress in public".  On the drive home about halfway the dysphoria hit me hard since I had that memory of driving around Saturday with nails.  The feeling of wanting long nails really hit me.  I did need to stop at the store, the same store I had long nails on Saturday.  I couldn't help but reflect on how I felt just 2 days ago.  I decided I would use this stop to do some people watching, women to be specific.  I wanted to really focus on what the typical woman wore, not what I envision what I would want to wear.  For the most part I saw:
* sneakers, flats, or sandals (not a single heel)
* yoga pants, shorts, jeans, or pants if they were stopping on the way home like me (not a single skirt)
* blouses or tshirt tops (not a single dress, NONE)

I didn't check for nails, I didn't want to focus so much that I looked like a creeper.  Speaking of which another thought, during a morning meeting one of the females in the office joined us, and I couldn't help focus on her nails.  She always keeps them manicured, long and painted.  I couldn't help but get jealous that she gets to wear her nails without anyone blinking an eye.

baby steps part 2

So I decided to push my luck yesterday and go to the local grocery store.  This was definitely a different experience because I was surrounded by people.  I hid my hands in my coat on the way in, then grabbed a cart and hugged the sides so really only my thumbs were showing.  I couldn't hide my nails when I went to grab things to put in my cart.  I was in there for probably a good 20 minutes grabbing things, starting to feel more comfortable.  Then it was time to checkout.  For sure I would be exposing my hands as I loaded things onto the conveyor.  Don't think anyone really noticed as the cashier was focused on the customers ahead of me.  Then more customers came up behind me, it was a large spanish family that was pretty pushy about checking out.  I don't think it was just because I was hyper focused either.  Just then I saw a coworker walk by the checkouts in the corner of my eye.  This is probably everyone's nightmare, especially in my case.  If I was fully dressed, it's fully possible someone wouldn't recognize me at all.  Being my male self with long nails, completely different situation.  I didn't make eye contact so he didn't see me.  I was almost thankful things timed out the way they did.  If that family wasn't behind me, he could have easily decided to come to the same checkout.  Weird thing is he's the last person I'd expect to run into.  He used to live in the area, but he moved to another town which means going to this store wouldn't be anywhere nearly convenient.  Wonder if he was visiting friends in the area.

baby steps

I've really been getting into crossdressing as of late.  Researching and buying things that can make me more female (visual or feeling).  Probably my favorite thing I love wearing (even if they sometimes make it difficult to do certain tasks like typing) is wearing false nails.  It's probably the one thing that is undoubtedly feminine.  Last night I decided to wear my french nails thinking "I'm not likely going anywhere this weekend".  Well that was until I realized I did have a package to ship the next day.  Now I could have taken my nails off but I was like you know what?  No, I'm going to do it.  I'm going to go out in the world with french nails on while in boy mode, what's the worst that could happen?  I grabbed my box and headed out to the car.  I sat for about 30 seconds staring at my hands on the steering wheel realizing this was still hard to go through with this, but what was my alternative?  Spend time taking off my nails and risking the post office closing before I got it shipped out?  Nope, I was doing it.

While driving I felt very sub-conscience, not wanting to put my hands up too high so the person next to me couldn't see.  I wasn't even sure if I wanted to pickup my coffee and take a drink because you know, nails.  As I drove and realized people really weren't paying attention to me I got more comfortable and started to not care.  I got to the post office and headed in.  Being that it was 10 minutes before closing there was almost nobody there except last minute people like me shipping something before they closed.  I walked right up to the kiosk to make my own label, clicked through the touchscreen, then reached into my back pocket to grab my wallet and wouldn't you know it, a nail fell off.  I sort of freaked out, but nobody was around so I calmly bent down and picked up my nail off the floor.  I finished my task at hand, then dropped it in the box.  Walking out there was a giant pickup pulling out that nearly ran me over, so I had to stop while he figured out how to backup.  The whole time standing there I'm feeling anxious because it could have very well been some hic wondering why I was standing next to his truck only for him to notice my hands.  I got back to my car and headed home.  My original plan was if this went well to stop at a grocery store, but seeing how I was already down a nail I decided to quit while I was ahead.

Can't say I'm surprised how well it went.  I mean I'm as much of a boy as they come so my nails were certainly a bit out of place.  Maybe people are more focused on their own life than I realized.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yMxY0Lxo_ow

Men suck, no wonder why I don't care to be one

So let's start this off by talking about the obvious elephant in the room.  While so many celebrities have hit the news this past year accused, or have come out talking about how they abused women in some way, the biggest story was always Cosby.  Having been accused by 40 women of him slipping them a rape drug (his spanish fly track on his comedy album isn't so funny anymore), he's probably the most watched case.  It was a real blow when his first round of court ended without conviction and was effectively "free".  Well today he was finally convicted on three counts of sexual assualt and could face up to 10 years for each.  He can obviously appeal, but it doesn't look good for him.  He will effectively spend the rest of his life in prison at age 80.

So rewind to last Friday.  My parents divorced when I was about 12 years old.  I didn't either parent more, but I chose my Dad not because I loved him more but really because that choice meant I wouldn't be moving away.  I have vague memories of their fighting, nothing I could describe in detail at this point.  I was visiting my Mom because she isn't very good with shopping online.  Somehow we had gotten on the subject of Religion and I had said I believed in a God, but I hadn't attended church since I moved out.  I believed in treating others how I'd want to be treated which I think everyone should follow.  Also talked about how judging most religion was and the bible is filled with horrific things like saying it was ok to own slaves, beat slaves, not to mention how beating your wife was accepted because they were the lesser gender.  Then she began to go into detail about how much she suffered while married to my Dad.  That he would want to specifically have sex while she was on her period, enema sex (I had no idea that was a thing), that he rarely reciprocated and even when he did she never once had an orgasm.  She complained how he left lights on and the television on every night when they went to bed which means she never got very good sleep.  He never let her make any of the household decisions, kept hidden bank accounts from her.  Once when we were kids he disappeared for 2 days with no phone calls, left her without a car, and claimed to be at his mother's which was a lie (she thinks he was cheating on her).  Lastly she talked about how the time when they got into an argument he pushed her into the stove and she was sore for 3 weeks.  She also was going to school at the time, and couldn't miss school so she had to go while injured.  I do remember that moment in my life, and how pissed I was at my Dad watching her cry sitting on the kitchen floor for a good hour.  Now I've had arguments with my wife, sometimes shouting, but I have NEVER touched her.  I've pounded walls, I've walked away, but I would never hurt a woman (probably because of what I saw my dad do).

So what's the point of all this dribble?  Most men are jerks, filled with testosterone (I hate when I lose control of my anger which I'm sure is contributed by that hormone), and many think they are superior and can get away with whatever they want.  Women are for the most part civilized, clear thinking, and non-abusive.  Perfect example is watch "orange is the new black" for a few episodes.  You'll see arguments, maybe some pushing, but you don't see any physical fighting (and certainly no killing).  I don't know how close this is to real life, but I'm guessing it's somewhat accurate.

Trump Potato farm lady?

I love this.. Apparently Trump has a female doppleganger
https://www.delawareonline.com/story/news/2018/04/26/trump-double-dolores-leis/553288002/

ordered a breast plate, it's already here!

I've been wanting one ever since I saw early episodes of drag race.  I remember looking them up and seeing $500 price tags (which you will still see today on many websites).  Well thanks to places like ebay they eliminate the middle man (and middle woman).  I looked around for a while, and finally decided to not risk paying $130 to China in case I didn't like it, didn't fit, etc.  I paid $160 to someone in Kentucky and it just came today.

So first off, the package was slightly damaged (my UPS warehouse SUCKS!  They are constantly ruining packages and no amount of complaining ever seems to make an impact).  It wasn't damaged per say, but there was a little bit of dirt at the very bottom that I was able to mostly get rid of.  So I took it out of the box, and tried it on.  At first I just hooked the loops straight over each shoulder because I wasn't sure it would stretch across my back to the opposite side.  I quickly realized while this probably fit better, it ended up sliding because there was no side tension.  So then I went to criss-crossing, and it was a constant struggle to keep the velcro fastened.  Silicone is very stretchy, but even it has it's limit.  So I think my next step is to modify it by replacing the crappy hook and loop velcro with the dual locking kind (plastic mushrooms on both sides).  It holds way tighter, you often see people use them to hold radar detectors and toll passes in cars.  With a stronger hold, plus perhaps cutting the strip long to extend the straps a little I think it will fit much better.  So here's what my chest looks like:

Now obviously there is a visible line where the silicone ends, and my real skin starts.  I was hoping this top would align just right but it's a little low (perhaps I could convince someone to use this as a pattern and make a new one?).  That or I have to basically wear a very wide necklace to hide it.  Now as far as it feels, it feels wonderful!  I would compare it to the first time I put on a dress, it's a completely new female feeling.  The weight hanging down, the boobs pushing my shirt away from my chest, seeing that cleavage view when I look down, feeling the bounceback when I walk up stairs or jump.  It's the feeling I've missed out all my life.

Dysphoria last night

I've been pretty stressed lately.. My wife's job is on edge, my job is secure but my projects are requiring a lot of my time (and overtime) and focus, top that with a side business I run from my home.  My wife went to bed early (as she is tonight which is why I decided to blog), and earlier we had done a little bit of light purging (garbage or sell on ebay).  I'm selling a few purses, and a pair of 5" heels that have been sitting in the closet for probably the past nearly 2 decades worn only once.  My wife has always been overweight, so heels and her don't get along.  I think I bought them at one point thinking even if she didn't walk in them, she could maybe at least wear them in bed to spice things up.  Clearly she wasn't on the same page (and we wonder why my dysphoria gets so bad sometimes).  I truly think that if my wife wore things that I enjoy seeing, I wouldn't get so pushed into having to wear it myself.  I know that sounds really selfish, but think about how my brain works.  I truly enjoy the female form and all the things they get to wear, and I don't even get to see it unless I put on the heels and nylons (or makeup for that matter).  Yes, I've talked before how my wife is a tomboy, and 90% I'm perfectly happy with that, but it would sure be nice to see her dress up too.

Anyway, so after she went to bed, I had discovered an old wig I hadn't worn in a long time buried, so I grabbed it and put it on when I got back downstairs.  Then I decided to fire up a game called fortnite (massively multiplayer shooting game that resembles hunger games).  This was my first time playing, and I had not realized that when you're a newbie it starts you out as a girl (as you rank you get to be a dude), but sometimes it switches back to a different strong female even as you rank up.  Well this struck a chord with me because all my life playing video games I favored female characters.  Chun-li on street fighter, Orchid on Killer Instinct.. Ok I did favor sub-zero on mortal kombat, but that's only because the female characters usually sucked.  Many gamers claim they like playing the female characters because they don't want to stare at a dude while they're playing.  I know I play the females because I'd rather picture my character female.

All day today I had a hard time concentrating on work, instead fantasizing about dressing up, about writing fiction stories, about if I was a millionaire I would probably spend most of my time creating male to female transformation videos, or maybe even prank MTF videos where dudes wake up in women's clothing.  The more I thought about this today, the more I realize I really need to embrace my female size in whatever way possible.  Whether that means wearing female clothing under my male clothing at work, whether that means crossdressing when I get home (even if it's something quick thrown on).  I feel like many people (including myself) feel like it has to be all or nothing, and I'd like to toss that theory out.  Even if I'm wearing my male clothes but toss on a wig, or maybe I just put on some nails, or a pair of earrings.. Anything that can connect to my inner female could help soothe my soul.

Women not in heels

This topic seems to be a looping topic amongst crossdressers.  I did not live in the era of women dressing proper, any more than when all men wore suits and derby hats 95% of the time (unless they were working on a dirty job, and even then they would probably still have a suit but have their sleeves rolled up).  I was born in the mid 70's, so the most exposure I got to heels was seeing my mom's low cut 2-3" clunky heels in her closet she rarely wore.  I'm assuming she did regularly at one time, but didn't get rid of them because she might wear them on a special occasion.

Not really sure why I decided to suddenly start tracking this, but I did.  I know that when I'm traveling and I'm walking through an airport I notice heels IMMEDIATELY.  Why?  Because it's a rarity (an airport which is the last place I'd expect someone to wear heels seeing how much walking you do).  And when you do see a pair of heels, they aren't usually clunky or less than 3".  They are typically sharp stilletto and 5", or some style that just screams "look at me", "I have great legs", or "I'm a street walker but even prostitutes sometimes take a vacation".  This is not a dig at women that wear heels, this is more a reflection of what our society has become.  Seriously start looking at women's feet in a typical setting.  At work, at the store, at the coffee house.  Unless they are in a high end career like a lawyer or doctor and on their way to work, I guarantee they will be wearing either sneakers, ugg boots, crocs, or low flats.  Can I blame them for wanting to be comfortable?  Not really, but I'd say 95% of women probably only wear heels to church, funerals or weddings (and even then it's debatable).

Why do I even bring this up?  Well, because crossdressers like heels.  If they are more feminine than the women they are impersonating, they are no longer impersonators but more of an omage to what they think women should look like.  This does not bode well for blending in.  So if I'm trying to blend, surely I should just buy what they buy right?  Well not to beat a dead horse, but I don't really have that option.  I have size 14-15 mens shoe size, which means 16-17 women's shoes.  They do not make women's crocs or sneakers in that size.  Flats I "might" be able to find but not likely.  No my choice is typically 3-5" heels, 90% made by the same company (Pleaser).  I love them, but they aren't something I'd venture out into the world in.

amazon product review

Ok so the Retinol I'm already loving.  It could be a placebo effect, but I swear I can see a difference.  I have had puffy skin under my eyes for at least the last 10 years, and this stuff seems to somehow pull the skin tight.  It doesn't take very much to spread across the area, this stuff will probably last me a long time.  I intend to make this part of my regular regimene.
https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B01FLO5914/ref=oh_aui_detailpage_o05_s00?ie=UTF8&psc=1

Sponges - I've never really used these.  I always either used tissue, or the real cheapy sponges.  These things are much more dense, and can get into cracks better.
https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B017YUMADS/ref=oh_aui_detailpage_o05_s00?ie=UTF8&psc=1

New foundation - I must say, this is way better than the oil of olay crap that Ellen plugs.  After applying, it leaves the skin very smooth and non-shiny.
https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B00PFCSXIY/ref=oh_aui_detailpage_o05_s02?ie=UTF8&th=1

Concealer - Another product I've never really used either.  This stuff is not only great for brightening up dark areas of skin (like under the eyes), but any red splotches you might have.  This one has a nice sponge applicator built in, which distributes more concealer with each push (it clicks like a pen).
https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B004Y9GY44/ref=oh_aui_detailpage_o05_s02?ie=UTF8&th=1

Amazon and Ebay shopping and browsing

So I've been buying nail sets lately from China.  Some pre-painted, some not.  Bought some high strength earth magnets after watching a youtube video of someone making their own magnet earrings.  I bought similar ones, but there wasn't enough hold (I need to get a sampling of various strengths).  I bought this button down skirt (black not red) which fits pretty nicely:

I bought this dress which should have been plenty big, but it was super tight:

I bought some stuff on amazon over the weekend, like these pretty (and comfortable looking) heels that have a zipper in the back:

https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B00O5ANIJG/ref=oh_aui_detailpage_o03_s00?ie=UTF8&psc=1 

Finally decided I should own a set of foundation blender sponges:

https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B017YUMADS/ref=oh_aui_detailpage_o04_s00?ie=UTF8&psc=1

The foundation I currently have works ok, but I want to see if something with a higher rating works better:

https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B00PFCSXIY/ref=oh_aui_detailpage_o04_s01?ie=UTF8&th=1

I also bought concealer which I've never used before:

https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B004Y9GY44/ref=oh_aui_detailpage_o04_s01?ie=UTF8&th=1

And my blush is all cracked, so I also bought a new one of that (I should have also probably bought a good brush)

https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B004LXOLFM/ref=oh_aui_detailpage_o05_s00?ie=UTF8&th=1

Future buys:

So I've never owned fake boobs.. I mean I once bought a cheap pair of silicone fillers, but nothing I'd call "boobs".  I've owned "crossdresser hip/butt pads" which was basically a pair of underwear with pockets to shove cheap foam into.  If you buy silicone versions of either of these at any online store, they can easily run $500 each or more.  So I decided to look on ebay (china of course), and there's some decent stuff up there.  I found this breast plate (which is similar to well known drag queen websites that sell for $500) for only $140 shipped:

https://www.ebay.com/itm/1000g-Silicone-Breast-Forms-With-Straps-Soft-Artifical-Breast-for-Transgender/132497712771?ssPageName=STRK%3AMEBIDX%3AIT&_trksid=p2060353.m1438.l2649

Other nice thing is that the drag queen one just sort of attached around the neck and hangs.  this one actually criss-crosses and velcros in the front (so easy to get on, and it should be fastened down to the body pretty well)

Then I saw this body shaper that not only gives you a really nice butt, but also tucks in front with a little slit.  It's a shame it's not more detailed, but for the price it looks like it would do a good job of shaping the body at least.

https://www.ebay.com/itm/Full-Silicone-Pads-Buttocks-and-Hips-Enhancer-Body-Shaper-Pants-Sexy-Underwear-A/112888656367?ssPageName=STRK%3AMEBIDX%3AIT&var=413291108227&_trksid=p2060353.m1438.l2649

Then while stumbling around those 2 things, I found this!  They are silicone gloves, but more importantly they have airbrushed skin imperfections so they don't look like fake rubber!

https://www.ebay.com/itm/silicone-female-glove-realistic-with-skin-texture-G-3TD-CD-DRAG-QUEEN-CROSSDRESS/252992270344?ssPageName=STRK%3AMEBIDX%3AIT&_trksid=p2060353.m1438.l2649

There's a set that isn't airbrushed, but it has long fingernails attached.  I'm assuming if I were order these, I could easily glue my own on.  This would also be pretty awesome for quickly crossdressing (both because I don't have to glue nails (and worry about taking them off), plus I don't have to shave my arms.  Here's a video of someone wearing a set:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MVirbUgJHZE