manicure dream this morning

After letting my dogs out and going back to sleep, I had a dream that I was at some sort of beauty seminar, but instead of a hotel or conference building it was all in the rafters of some building, and you had to balance along the beams and climb through storage areas to get to each section.  The only section I went to was the manicure section, and the floors were covered in boxes and boxes of fake nails, and you could pick any you wanted and have a manicurist apply them for you.  I chose a box and it faded to me wearing them (skipped the whole process of getting them done).  I looked down and at first they appeared good, but then I noticed a few on my left hand had already fallen off, or chipped, then I noticed on my right hand on some of the fingers they had applied more than one set on top, as if to fix their mistake but didn't want take the old one off (and all of them were applied with tape, not glue).  I was so frustrated I ripped the rest off and felt like I had been scammed.

frustration of living a double life

Beyond the fact that I can never fully live out my fantasy.. I really hate when I get messages on fetlife such as "Hey, wanna come suck my cock?".  As a man, I know that line doesn't work, unless you as a person have absolutely no morals.  As someone with a female persona on there, it's even grosser being on the receiving end.  I couldn't hit the delete key fast enough.  If that line works, I'd love to meet the person it works on.

Second thing that's annoying is when I see posts from women I know on facebook, and I feel like I can't comment.  Whether it's a product, or a makeup technique.. I have such a huge urge to just post something, but realize that more than 100 of my friends will also likely see that comment and start to make assumptions.

I haven't crossdressed in a really long time, and my wife even brought the subject up during our long christmas break, but we just got too wrapped up in projects that it just didn't happen.  I may try to make it happen this weekend.  I just know that if I really went all out, being away from it for so long it would be like a kid hugging a lost teddy bear.

handjob fixation

I've been noticing lately that after I've done the deed (perhaps twice).. perhaps twice, then again in 12 hours (I'm empty, I'm sore, I've binged) that I'll still crave masturbation.  And because I can't fill that need, sometimes I find that my mind wanders into the fantasy of giving handjobs.  I'm not horny, but I want to stroke a cock.  I suppose it makes sense, orgasms release endorphins, so naturally my body starts craving it even if I can't provide.  It's sort of like when you've eaten, you're full.. and for some reason you get a craving to eat (usually sugar or salt), and you go "huh?  body, I'm full.. this is why you're fat!".  You can't blame your body, both sugar and salt are addictive additives.  So what do you do?  You could chew some food and spit it out (yuck), or do what many of us do, chew gum.  It satisfies that chewing without taking in calories.  If only there was a gum version of masterbating.

could LGBTQ be nature's way of balancing things?

So I finished up season 2 of "wayward pines", and the big impact with me is how they chose half the town's population that would be saved in the cryogenic tubes based on who was the most worthy and strong.  People left behind included the mother of the leader who was unable to bear children.  Another one left was the gay school boy because.. well he's gay, and he also won't procreate.

I get that aspect, you're trying to make the human race survive, so they need to maximize children to repopulate a world full of abbies that want us dead because they are the next generation.  Think about today, we live in a world where on average the population doubles every 38 years, and we are currently at 7.4 billion people (which is estimated to be 11 billion by 2100).  When you look at the stats for how many people in each country, it's amazing to think that more than 1/3 is the population of just China and India alone (USA ranks number 3 with just 324 million people).  Obviously the worry of over populating the earth is not having enough food for everyone.  Over-fishing, over-farming, injecting livestock with hormones to make them grow faster, putting out lower quality food as a result.  Nature always tries to balance itself.  If there are too many people, somehow by magic murders and diseases tend to go up.  One could argue that the gay community is nothing more than nature's way of reducing how many children we have (and perhaps, adopting orphans that would otherwise grow up and end up committing crimes from having a rough childhood that is unloved).  So while the homophobic community might have issues with our community, they should be grateful we are helping to balance the population.

crossdressed late night

So my wife's out of town.. Just before she left I got my portable closet from amazon.  Having clothes, shoes, and wigs spread out like they ought to be is quite nice.  It's crazy I dug through a cardboard box all these years.

Last night I crossdressed, but I started late because I had to time letting the dogs out.  Right now they are going outside in the front until I deal with a bug problem in the back (where I would normally go un-noticed being dressed up).  I started around 6pm, and didn't finish until 8 (yes, 2 hours).  I was actually shocked when I looked at the clock.  Dogs were sleeping on the couch the whole time, now in the dark when I got finished.

So I went upstairs, took a shower.  Started by shaving my legs with electric clippers (I prefer this method because it gets the bulk of hair), and depending on my mood I may follow up with a razor to get a closer shave.  Since I was wearing hose, I opted not to.  I then began to shave my arms, and then the razor started to sound like it was struggling so I opened it up, cleaned out the hair, and put it back together.  I then finished shaving my arms, hands a little closer shaved, shaved my chest, stomach, but opted for scissors around the pubic area.  Having a shaver that close scares me.. I can only imagine slipping and having a serious bleeding problem that could require medical attention.

I did decide to shave my chest and stomach so my top looked good.  I then threw on panties and a bra, and started on my makeup.  I start with foundation, and this time I used a couple different ones in layers.  I then powdered with a couple different colors, then I add blush.  Then I move up to the eyes, this time opting to start with white at the top, and charcoal on the lids, fading up on the sides a little.  I then move into gluing my fake lashes on which can sometimes take a couple tries.  If most of it sticks and only one side is curling up, I won't start over but instead opt to apply glue directly to my lid and push it down.  Even though the glue is clearish (leaves a blue haze), I usually go back over it with eyeliner.  Once that's done and I know the lashes are secure, I'll curl them up with mascara.  I then paint in my brows, I think thickening this up makes them pop and look more feminine.  Final step is of course lip liner, lipstick, and lately I've been adding lipgloss to make them pop.

So of course now realizing it was 8pm, and I had to be in bed in about 3 hours for work the next day, I realized how much work I just did for very little reward.  I didn't even bother with putting nails on, but I did wear my swing dress, heels, hosiery, pair of hoop earrings.  I figured I should try to take advantage of the situation and at least take some photos.  I posted some on fetlife, and though I got a few likes, no real comments.  Sorry for the thumbnail, but this blog is public.  I don't mind posting larger photos on fetlife because it's a more closed community (as of right now new memberships are closed until they can catch up).

What's my take from this?
1. It sucks starting from ground zero.  I would imagine if I were living full-time and keeping up (not having to shave everything), this wouldn't be quite as daunting.
2. Makeup takes practice, but this is possibly the best job I've done thus far.  Makeup tutorials help too, after all I'm not a woman so I don't know what works and what doesn't.
3. It sucks going through all this work, and all I have are some photos (of which apparently not a whole lot of people care about).  I can empathize a little with how women feel spending so much time getting ready, only to have boyfriends not appreciate it, or people in public not even noticing.  I would empathize with my wife, but she almost NEVER wears makeup.  You might say I'm even more attacted to wearing makeup because she doesn't.  I didn't used to be this way, I actually hated the idea of makeup smearing onto me from a kiss.  Now don't get me wrong, there's nothing I hate more than having lipstick and not wanting to take a drink like I normally would in male mode because I don't want to get lipstick on my cup.

lots of shopping lately

So my swing dress arrived last week, and it fits a little tight, but in a good way:
https://www.amazon.com/Hi-girl-Classic-Dress-Rockabilly-5X-Large/dp/B01CQQH93G/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1471908196&sr=8-1&keywords=polka+dot+swing+dress+plus


I also ordered a professional drag wig almost 2 weeks ago, but apparently these are made on demand (not stocked).  I got the auburn one on the right:
http://www.newattitudewigs.com/NirvanaRosie10012B28.html

I also ordered like 1,000 nails on ebay for $10 in various colors because it was 99 cents per 100, and free shipping if you spent $10:
http://www.ebay.com/itm/252474171026

And then my nail cutter just arrived today that was like $4 on ebay:

I'm starting to buy nails without adhesive because I found my own hack for applying your own temporary adhesive.  I blogged about it on my other site:
http://tgfictionmania.blogspot.com/2016/08/crossdressers-need-speed-and-easy.html

Most of the above are fairly inexpensive, I wouldn't normally buy this many things at once.  That plus I have a little side business that has filled my paypal account as of late.

living out of a box... literally

So I, like perhaps many, have kept my female garments in a cardboard box.. for a LOOOooong time (litereally since before I met my wife).  I'd say I've been crossdressing since about 1995?  Since I was living at home at the time, I kept my stuff in a box in the back of my closet (buried so nobody would be looking through it).  Part of me kept it this way to continue the anonymity I suppose (just in case snoopy guests came by).  I've gotten to the point where I have too many clothes to stuff into a box, at least 3-4 pairs of shoes, plus now I have some decent makeup (which is currently in a ziploc bag and also needs it's own case).  I have a bunch of jewelry (mostly earrings), I have 3-4 wigs (with a 5th on it's way which is a professional drag wig I don't want to just squash into a box and flatten).  In other words, it needs it's place to reside so I can have access to it all, like a normal woman.

Now while we live in a 3 bedroom house, and 2 of those rooms are not occupied, one closet is occupied by books, another by sewing material.  While we could probably clear one out, I just don't have the ambition, plus I'd still need a way to organize.  So portable closet to the rescue!  They are fairly inexpensive, provide great organization, and most of them have dust covers.  I opted to buy this one:
AMAZON CLOSET

I was going to go with something smaller, but it was only like $8 more to add an extra tier of shelving.  I figure I can keep some shoes on one side, and wigs on the other (I also need to order a few wig stands).  Some shelves can be used for earrings/makeup, skirts.  I can keep tops and dresses in the middle.  Because it's prime, it should get here by Friday.  It'll be so nice for my female side to finally have a space of it's own.

Couple shoe purchases

So I bought these shoes for my 50's outfit ($55 from whatever store):

Super cute right?  They are, but they fit super tight for my usual size 16.  I mean they're wearable, but good lord I don't know how long I can actually wear them (even around the house).  I'm going to try some stretching techniques to see if I can make some extra room so I haven't given up just yet.

So because those hurt my feet so bad, and I only seem to have 5" heels in my collection, I opted to pursue a comfortable pair of shoes.  Can't really find flats in size 16, but I did find these 1-1/2" heeled shoes.  Shoebuy actually has a LOT of large sized shoes at decent prices.  They wanted $29, but I found a coupon to get them down to $22 plus free shipping:
http://www.shoebuy.com/beacon-shoes-carrie-pump/785653/1679397?cm_vc=bn_searchresults_carou_loc1

They just arrived today and they fit great and are super comfortable (they're sort of stretchy).  I could see myself wearing these all night.

great makeup tutorial, but at what price?

So this popped up as a suggestion on youtube.. A drag race inspired makeover, which also includes a link to all the products she used:
http://www.nikkietutorials.com/site/2015/04/vintage-glam-prom-makeup-tutorial-%e2%88%99-rupaul-inspired/

Not going to lie, she looks great after applying makeup (looks very natural, but at the same time very coated like drag).  So then I thought "heck, I'm a pretty good painter, so long as I had good paint maybe I can look that pretty.  I especially like the multi-shade foundation which makes the blush pop".  Yea, then I started pricing everything out (keeping in mind these are online prices, not department marked up prices)

FACE

$27 Smashbox Primer Water
$30 Dior Glow Maximizer
$21 Kryolan TV Paint Stick “G191” (base)
$21 Kryolan TV Paint Stick “FS31” (contour)
$21 Kryolan TV Paint Stick “406” (highlight)
$18 Makeup Studio Translucent Powder #1

EYEBROWS

$21 Anastasia Beverly Hills Brow Wiz “Ash Blonde”
$21 Anastasia Beverly Hills Dipbrow Pomade “Taupe”
$21 tarte Colored Clay Tinted Brow Gel “Taupe”
$22 Anastasia Beverly Hills Clear Brow Gel
$20 Anastasia Beverly Hills Concealer #0.5

CHEEKS

$33 MAC Bronzing Powder “Give Me Sun”
$21 The Balm Powder Blush “Down Boy”
$7 Milani Baked Powder Blush “Luminoso”
$30 BECCA Shimmering Skin Perfector “Moonstone”

EYES

$22 MAC Paint Pot “Soft Ochre”
$12 Anastasia Beverly Hills Eyeshadow “Fawn”
$12 Anastasia Beverly Hills Eyeshadow “Smoke”
$12 Anastasia Beverly Hills Eyeshadow “Caramel”
$12 Anastasia Beverly Hills Eyeshadow “Gold Rush”
$14 Makeup Studio Shiny Effects “Golden Light”
$8 Jesse’s Girl Eye Dust “Starshine”
$15 Kat von D Tattoo Liner “Trooper”
$7 NYC Liquid Liner “Black”
$28 Makeup Studio Jewel Effects “Shine”
$22 MAC Glitter “Silver”
$4 NYX Jumbo Eye Pencil “Milk”
$28 Makeup Studio Waterproof 3D Extra Black Mascara
$12 House of Lashes False Lashes “Iconic”

LIPS

$17 Coloured Raine Liquid Lipstick “Vanity Raine”

Ready for your total?
$559!  That's right, to be that beautiful, it will cost you morning starbucks for about 1/3 of a year.  I have multiple problems with this list:
1. I realize higher end brands typically work better, but do we really have to go all out?
2. Anything that says "makeup studio" seems to only be sold in Britain, and is expensive.
3. I think there's some overboard color choices here.
4. Most importantly, who has this much makeup?  I would be so worried about it going bad.  I'm guessing she's either well off, she only buys makeup with youtube money, or companies are sending her free samples to do makeup tutorials like this one.

If you stumble across any great makeup tutorials on a budget, please post a link to it.  I did find this one:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yzHz1qN1byQ
although I probably wouldn't buy all the products shown (I just placed an order on amazon for natural eyeshadows, mascara, and an eyebrow pencil), some of the bases like the foundation, the powder, the highlighter, and the foundation sponge are things I might consider picking up.

Is gender dysphoria worse the further you get away from womanhood?

Been thinking about this more lately.. I think we all have this idea of what a textbook woman looks like.  Blonde, about 5 foot tall, skinny, boobs, sultry voice, long nails, high heels.  This isn't what every woman looks like, this is more of a character.  You could do the same for a man.  So two things I've struggled ALL my life are that I'm really tall (6'5"), and I have really big feet (size 14 mens).  Since crossdressing is often a coping mechanism, this makes it very challenging if not impossible in some aspects.  I can wear dresses sure, but even if it's long sleeve, it ends up looking like a partial sleeve (and never mind waist to chest ratio).  Then there's the shoes.  Yes, fortunately today we live in a world where we can order heels up to size 17 off the internet.. And they are mostly hooker heels for the most part.  Not bad if you're dressing up at home or I suppose an event, but if you ever had plans of dressing like other women (which is typically comfortable shoes like wedge heels, strappy sandals and the like), you're SOL.  I can't even find women's sneakers for that matter.  So much in fact that one day I decided I wanted to have female workout gear when I ran on the treadmill at home, so I bought a pair of generic white men's sneakers and took out my sharpies and colored them in pinks and purples.  Did they look like real women's shoes?  Not really, but they were close enough for the illusion I suppose.

Now I'm in my early 40's, that zone where the testosterone really starts to take it's toll, and you start to ponder herbal HRT to have some hope of holding back nature.  I still don't look bad, in fact I crossdressed last week and it was enjoyable, but there's always that ticking clock in the back of your head.

The other thing I've been looking into is male chastity.  Not for the usual reasons (which I would assume I like being submissive), though I suppose submissiveness and trying to play the female role sort of go hand in hand.  Part of me wonders if being trapped would be something I would enjoy, the other part is I wonder if I really need chastity in my life.  So many times I try to embrace my feelings, but I quickly do the deed to rid those thoughts and feelings.  I think a lot of us ignore our feelings, and just try to get by another day while we die inside a little more.  If I was forced to deal with them, maybe I could learn more about myself.  I've looked on amazon, they aren't that expensive.  I think one set I looked at is like $18.  My worry, or discomfort is watching videos of putting them on makes me squeamish.   While I'm ok with having a cock between my legs, I HATE my balls.  It's sort of weird to think of it that way, you would think they'd go hand in hand.  I hate them being touched, I hate looking at them.  Maybe it's because I had bad experiences as a kid when I racked them, not really sure.  Anyway, the thought of having to grab my sack, and sliding them through a ring makes me nautious.  Fortunately, some of them don't require this, they hinge open which means I just have to clamp it in the back.  I don't want to commit to purchasing one, so I'm actually 3d printing one as I type this from a model I found on thingiverse (isn't the internet interesting?)

dressing for a good reason

So I masturbated this morning in the shower.  I thought for sure getting the sexual tension out of me would put off my transgender side for a while.  Have had a stressful month with things going on in my life.  The last week things have been slowly turning around, and then today one of them reared it's ugly head back just when I thought my stress was gone for good.  Came home, did a couple quick things online, opened up a package of lashes I ordered from ebay china a few weeks ago that came in the mail.  It was a bargain, something like a dozen for $3-4?  Most lashes have soft lines that make it difficult to attach, these were cheap but in a good way.  The line was slightly hard, which meant it kept it's shape pretty well.  I pulled out my eyelash glue and went to town, and have to say these stay pretty well in place and feel good (has a nice upcurl).  So of course once I went down that road, I kept going.  Add some eyeshadow, put on a wig, add some earrings, continue dressing.  Wife came home in the middle, I yell down I'm dressing.  It's been hot this week, so I opted against the dress and just wore my women's tan shorts and brown lace top to stay cool.  After we finish leftovers from last night for dinner, my wife asks if I'm still hungry.  Of course I am, and as usual she suggests an order from the local dominos to which I reply no.  Her having knee issues, I'm usually the one getting up to get things, and in this case I'd be the one getting up to answer the door.  For a moment, I actually thought about whether I would ever have the guts to dress up and answer the door.  I mean most of the dominos employees are actually pretty friendly, and it would be an interesting experience.  I said out loud "Mayyybe if I wasn't dressed so hap-hazardly I would actually consider it".  And I honestly think if I keep dressing and getting some practice, I might be up for it.

So back to the (I'm the one getting up all the time because my wife has knee issues).  Lately I'm on this kick to put together a 50's housewife outfit like I said in my last post.  Not to push the point of "Well I guess I'm the one that wears the skirt in this relationship", but more of "Well if I'm going to be stuck doing the wife duties, I might as well dress the point and embrace that fantasy".  So seriously, I'm browsing through images, ebay, google stores.. I have a few cute dresses picked out.  Of course they're real dresses not costumes because they don't make any authentic looking ones in plus sizes.  I want to get a white maid apron.  Not frilly, just a plain white cotton apron.  I want to get a 50's style wig.  I want a pearl necklace with large pearls (sorta rocky horror-esque).  I may opt for some new heels, yellow dish gloves, the whole sha-bang.  I'm certain when I put it all together and dress up my wife will wonder what inspired me to dress like that, and I'll just be honest with her.

random thoughts - more gender dysphoria

Thought 1 - tried logging into crossdressers.com, haven't visited that site forever.  Couldn't remember my password, heck I wasn't entirely sure what my username is (it's changed a few times from various transgender sites).  I start typing in email addresses, none are coming up as valid.  Finally, one comes up as valid, and sure enough it's a comcast email I don't have access to anymore.  So then I'm on the hunt to figure out what the hell my username was.  I spend a half hour browsing through forum posts from early 2000's.  Then it hit me, I remember commenting on an autogynaphelia post.. I browse through a few using google, I finally find one of my posts.  So then it's a matter of trying a few passwords, and I'm finally back in.  I immediately change my email address to a google one I use regularly now.

Thought 2 - While driving the other day, I looked in my rear view mirror.  The woman driving behind me was wearing a really cute teal top which caught my eye right away.  Then I noticed she was a bit older, maybe late 50's, but still dressing hip.  One of my big worries is getting older, and how my thoughts will change even more.  When you're young, you're horny, you can pass much better when you crossdress, you're limber.  When you reach your 40's, you start to wonder how your testosterone is going to affect you, you wonder if you're so used to seeing your face that you don't realize how masculine you've gotten.  You dread having to dress age appropriate when all you want to do is wear tight sexy dresses and 5" heels.  Then thoughts of "well if you try hard enough, even if your face isn't what it used to be, you can feel good in beautiful clothing"

Thought 3 -  Had a meetup setup for last friday with a VERY local crossdresser.  Was going to meet at a public coffee shop, then head to my place to dress up and see what happens.  about 40 minutes before we meet, she tells me something is going on with her son, has to reschedule.  I say no problem , but then later I wonder did she get cold feet?  She change her mind?  We talked a bunch on KIK and it's been silent this past week (I had the last word).  Are all crossdressers even more shy than me?  How can we be happy if we don't hang out with our own and explore our feelings and thoughts?

Thought 4 - Feeling dysphoria again tonight.  I masturbated the last 2 nights, can't bare to do the deed tonight.  I just know it wouldn't even feel good, and it would only suppress my real feelings.  I read an article the other day about how no matter what intensity of dysphoria we feel, we negotiate with our head to push those feelings down so we don't have to deal with them.  I'm reminded of a GREAT story that Louis CK told that completely applies here.  He starts out about cell phones, but then goes into how we all text while driving because we don't want to be alone because we need that 30 second masterbation because we're willing to risk our lives and other's lives to not feel sad.  We're never really happy or sad, we're just kind of sort of satisfied.  His story goes on where he hears a bruce springsteen song on the radio and he knows it's going to make him sad, but rather than push it away, he embraces it and cries REALLY hard, but it feels good because of the endorphins your body creates to react to it.  It's a good watch: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5HbYScltf1c

Before my wife came home, I had an inkling to shop around ebay for 50's housewives dresses.  Most were rockabilly, and if you wanted a true polka dot dress with the white fold-over sleeves, they all looked like Lucille Ball dresses.  I have this idea that since my wife is getting some bad schedules at work where I might actually beat her home on occasion, sometimes by a couple hours (which means typically I start dinner) that maybe I could dress up as the housewive and really get into the role.  I know this wouldn't bother her, and it would make me feel good.  And so long as I'm doing housework, she's especially good with it.  My only issue I'm struggling with is the time suck.  The time it takes to get ready (if you want to look half-way decent), and the worry and time suck of dressing down depending on how deep of a hole you go down.  The thing I like wearing the most out of anything are artificial nails, and although some of the adhesive pads work pretty good, I've still had many occasions where the nails will pop right off with minimal force, or if I do dishes the water loosens up the glue.  Now sure, I can go ahead and glue them on, but have fun taking those off without soaking each nail in acetone for 5 minutes.  I'm usually willing to take that risk if it's the weekend (because I have time), but the thought of panicking during the work week when they don't come off, and I have to get the dremel tool to grind off the artificial nail without going through the real nail scares me.

dissapointment of an online crossdressing shopper

So I decided to accessorize my hands if I'm going to do more online video chat.  I opted to shop ebay since shipping is cheap and so is the jewelry (even if it's crappy, it still looks good on camera).  So I paid like $3 plus free shipping for what look like a cool bracelet that also hooks around a finger.  It said 8-1/2" bracelet which should fit me just fine.  Well not only was there no way I could get the bracelet portion around my wrist, there's no way I would get the bracelet around AND get the loop around a finger.  I can only assume they are measuring part of the hook?  So then I ordered a ring for $10 with shipping.  Looked up ring sizes, it looked like size 12 would fit my ring finger just fine (I have digital calipers to measure the ring I'm wearing now).  NOPE, ring came under size, it only fits on my pinky.

I have another pink heart ring coming from china also in size 12 (but only $3), I'll assume that too will be too small.  Live and learn I guess, next rings I order will be at least a size  13.

gender dysphoria

So I rarely have episodes like this (maybe twice before in my whole life), but the other night I had a bad attack.  This isn't like "Oh I really want to crossdress, or I'm really horny I should go read some tgfiction and go into my womanhead space".  No, this is a true panic attack.  It was a usual work week night, wife usually goes to bed before I do.  Perhaps if I had access to my clothes I could have prevented this.  I was looking through ebay through random stuff (nails and jewelry mostly), and the feeling washed over me.  For those that have experienced it I probably don't need to tell you how it feels.  For everyone else, best I can describe it is feeling like someone is holding you hostage with a gun in your face.  You feel massive anxiety that you can't run away from.  It was so strong I actually curled up into a ball and held my legs, and almost cried.  While some might say this is a cry for transitioning, no.. This might be what transgender people feel all the time, this is a rare occasion for me and not strong enough to push me over the edge by a long shot.  Still, moments like this are pretty painful, and you just do the best you can to cope with it until it subsides.

public video chat last night

So I did it.. I dressed up and sat in front of a webcam.  I wore minimal makeup, wig, glasses (I think this covers your face well so you aren't as recognizable in case someone should decide to record me for evil purposes).  I wore a boustie, a lace top, fishnet hose, 5" heels.  I setup a purple sheet on the couch to make the backdrop a little better.  I was half tempted to apply false nails to really pull off the look, but knowing what a pain they are to attach (and remove), and this being my first experience I opted to save it for another time.  I pointed the camera at my crotch, and basically masterbated for about 2 hours (rarely getting hard, but lots of pre-cum).  The site itself is setup rather frustrating as it only allows 2 minutes of private video chat (I think it's setup to earn money, IE tokens), not sure how that works.  I get why one guy was trying to get me to skype with him.  Lots of compliments, one person in their 20's even saying how they liked older TS.  As good as that felt, there was a part of me that felt jealous of some of the other channels (15 viewers in some cases).  I don't think I everexceeded 7-8 viewers (typically 2-3), but I can see why based on the competition.  I shouldn't be offended either because I find myself flipping through pages and pages of porn looking for just the right video to alter the plotline to my own fantasy (usually lesbians, and I pretend that my wife transformed me), why shouldn't viewers be just as picky what they like looking at?

Suffice to say, I never really got hard.  I don't know if it was nerves, or I wasn't being simulated by anything (bunch of guys sending private messages).  After nothing happened and the room started to get stale I logged off, a short visit to xhamster and it didn't take very long for me to climax (2 hours of teasing will do that to you).

In the zone again

So I'm pretty sure I masterbated on Sunday, but I can't be sure.  Sometimes I do it on such a regular schedule it becomes about as memorable as having a bowel movement that day.  So last night I was sure I was going to at least finish one of my tg stories, but I didn't.  I probably have a couple dozen unfinished stories that I've never published.  I feel like my stories are never good enough, never complete enough, and usually after a couple pages I lose interest because it isn't going as good as I hoped.  I also didn't masterbate, I worked.  I have somewhat of a side business, and I'm getting a little backed up on jobs at the moment.  Rather than having fun, I decided to focus on work and I'm sort of glad I did because it kept my mind off of it.  I'm also finding that earning a 2nd income can be as addicting as any other reward in life, whether it be a sugarary treat, sex, getting to watch a movie you've been excited about, etc.

I still feel that having this double life really gets in the way of life.  While most people just have to deal with one gender, one focused sexuality, I have to deal with both sides.  Yes sometimes this can be fun, but it can also be very draining floating between the two.

So then the next morning comes, I'm getting ready for work, perfect opportunity to masterbate.  Didn't do it at my computer, perhaps I'll do it in the shower.  Nope, got busy, started to run late, didn't have time to.  I did however slip into one of my favorite white laced panties from fredericks of hollywood underneath my work clothes.  I can't remember the last time I did that, but it was certainly enjoyable.  I probably had an erection nearly the entire drive to work, and all day I got teased by the lace rubbing it down there.  So while at work I had the thought of  random video chat.  The first thing that comes to mind is chat roulette, or omegle (same one that youtubable uses to chat with random people, sometimes while dressed as a girl).  But I thought to myself..  I don't want to talk to the general public, is there a random chat (or categorized chat) specific to LGBT, or more specifically crossdressers?  So far it looks like chatville is my best bet, and there's a TS room.  Few look to be ladies that do it on multiple sites for tokens, some look like they're just enjoying being flirted by admirers.  So tonight I did shave down there.. I was half tempted to dress up, but my only option at the moment is stealing my wife's laptop with the built-in cam.  For one, I don't want any history on her computer I was on some video chatsite.  And two, I want to be able to control what the camera is allowing others to see (IE perhaps only pointing down at my crotch, or pointing at my body but cutting off part of my head).  That's sort of hard to do on a laptop when the camera is fixed and the keyboard is as well.  So I ordered an HD webcam on amazon, it gets here thursday.  Will I be brave enough to go on camera?

On that self pleasure cycle again..

I haven't dressed in 2 months, been keeping my feelings at bay.  I don't know if I'd call it negative, I'd call it a cycle.  It does bring out some creativity (I tend to write stories), but it also masks the deep rooted issues I have in my head.  I did have a slight urge the other day even after the deed, and I had hope my wave was returning, but it faded away again.  I had a moment while in a meeting at work this morning.  One of my co-workers is a little, prissy we'll say.  Not in a negative way, she's just very well groomed and dressed.  I noticed her nails matched her gray top, and for some reason I really focused on it.

Something clicked in my brain about color matching, and it took me a while to process it.  As a kid (a boy to be more specific), I think we all were jealous of those kids that had the bmx bikes with the plastic wheels that matched the color of the bike frame.  If you had colored tires, you were really rockin it.


Then I was reminded of how cars of the 80's often had hubcaps or powder coated mag wheels that color matched the rest of the car.  The chevy beretta was the most common car that did this.
 















These objects were the few exceptions where men had the option of color matching (short of the swatch watch era).  Then my mind wandered further and started remembering that scene in the total recall movie where the secretary had digital nails, and she could change the color of her nails just by tapping them.

 Total recall nails YOUTUBE

Realizing that we don't have this technology, I also realized that my co-worker probably had to plan out color matching her nails.  In other words, she probably picked out a color to paint her nails the night before, and chose a top that matched them.  Not like she could wake up and go "yep, going to paint my nails to match this top before I go to work!"

squeezed crossdressing this past last weekend

So between new years party, visiting family, and my wife's work party, I decided Saturday night I was going to put on acrylic nails.  I didn't even hesitate, I said "we're not going anywhere tomorrow right?  Why... Because I'm going to put on some acrylic nails", and as usual she was fine with that.  I had bought a few pairs off ebay from china that were pretty cheap.  One was really cute that looked like watermelon, but I discovered that not only did they not stick very well, by the 3rd nail it ended up splitting (clearly these were made for little girls).  I pulled them all off since one nail was already ruined and went to my backup french manicure set.  I also bought some brush on adhesive since I was getting sick of the adhesive strip versions popping off after only a couple hours.  I was a little nervous about going that permanent, but I read that if you put on a coat of clear it'll help prevent chunks of the real nail from peeling off.  Here's a link to the adhesive if you're interested:
http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B003UBMC3O?keywords=IBD%20Ibd%205%20Second%20Brush-on%20Gel%20Resin%20-%20Net%20Wt.%200.20%20oz.&qid=1451960215&ref_=sr_1_1&sr=8-1

So I went to bed with my nails on, tried the masterbation thing like I've done in the past, didn't really do much for me.  Next morning I woke up, and shortly after my wife asks me if I'm going to dress today.  I replied "mayybe", which in reality when I say it that way means yes.  Rather than going down, she waits for me.. for a bit.  She offers to help me with my makeup, but the last couple of times didn't seem to go well (or am I just really picky how I like my makeup?).  After about 20 minutes of fumbling around, realizing my mascara was gone (had it gone bad and I threw it out thinking I was going to order a new tube?), my wife said she was going to head down because the dogs were getting ancy.  I spent the next hour getting ready, thinking in my mind "Oh great, she'll use this against me when she gets ready".  I think that statement is really unfair because men have to work twice as hard to look good as a woman, especially the stature that I have.  I was getting pretty frustrated too because lately my allergies have been acting up which is odd for wintertime (watering eyes + eye makeup is a bad combo).  Combine that with the powder over the foundation enhancing the wrinkles under my eyes, and I was not a happy camper.  It's sad when you look better without makeup than with on, so I rubbed away as much of the powder under my eyes as I could.  It's honestly making me seriously think about getting some wrinkle cream, whether it works or not is another question.

So after finally getting dressed up I headed downstairs.  I first started to make some coffee and realized I had lost a nail on one of my pinky fingers.  It must have fallen off while getting ready, and sure enough I found it on the bathroom floor.  Put some more glue on, reattached in no time.  I had my wife take a photo of me to send to her co-worker in another state.  I know that sounds weird, but her co-worker also does drag on the side.  I always like getting feedback, and who better to ask than a drag queen?  So I went about my day, mostly watching TV.  It's hard to find activities that you can do while all dolled up.  Finally I got tired of not being able to even type, so at some point I ended up taking nail clippers and shortening them to a reasonable length (but still look like manicured nails).  It helped but wasn't ideal.  Finally around 8pm I knew I had to start dressing down, so I started with cleaning all my makeup off.  Then it was time for the nails, quite frankly I was a little scared.  I dunked the my thumb in a bottle of acetone for a minute or so, not peeling off.  I grabbed a pair of wire cutter, grabbed onto the tip, and slowly curled it off the nailbed.  2nd nail, repeat, go to peel it, nail snaps off.  Try again with the other side, snap again.  My worst fear has come true, I have part of an acrylic nail stuck to my nail.  I can't go to work like this tomorrow, would I have to pull out my dremel and sand through all the acrylic until I got back to the real nail?  I shoved a bottle opener under one of the edges, and finally "POP", it comes off.  The rest of the nails weren't quite as bad as that, but they were all pretty difficult to get off.  I suppose that's the price you pay for having strong nails that don't pop off.