been a while

So I've been super busy the past 3 months.  Between a hot project at work and going to school 2 nights a week (plus running a home business on the side) I have had nearly no time for crossdressing.  I've dressed up maybe 1-2 times in all that time and it's been killing me.  So my wife is on a business trip this week, and you would think I would jump on it, but because I've been away from it so long I didn't have the motivation.

The other thing I've been up to, been on a new "diet" since mid-september, though it's not really a diet because diet usually means restrictive.  This is a different way of looking at eating and it's allowed me to lose 20lbs in just 2-1/2 months.

Last night I caught up with all the blogger pages I follow on here and that sorta got me in the mood a little.  Then I stumbled on these odd youtube videos of using GTA as machima to act out a hooker situation with online friends.  While they were just messing around, the fact that probably straight guys were playing the female hookers got me sorta hot
https://youtu.be/7Cl5oq6BXuI

Was going to dress last night but just got sidetracked by work and keeping up with the impeachment debate.

So then this morning at the last minute I decided to dress up half-ass before work.  Wig, silicone boobs, silicone vagina panties, tight sheer black dress.  I liked what I saw in the mirror, and I was feeling sexy.  So of course pressed for time I grabbed my hitachi magic wand and went to town.    I started rubbing my hips and boobs, and it felt nice to feel my curves.  Within about a minute I was orgasming big time.  Then realized the mess I would have to cleanup after undressing, but man it was worth it.  It was about the closest I've ever felt to a female orgasm so far.

the negative side of the transgender community

While we all try to remain positive, there's always that dark side of our world that we're all aware of but don't want to admit or talk about.  There was a post last week on fetlife that really affected me, at the very least never want to attempt to transition.  The post basically says they are done transitioning for good.  All of her online and offline friends have blackmailed and extorted her (including those in the trans community).  Her reputation and career has been sabotaged, and she has been raped 5 times.

Now granted, we have no idea what the backstory is, it's just a rambling post.  However if you follow trans social media and news, you know that being trans is an uphill battle.  If you do come out, you potentially lose a lot of family and friends that don't support your life choice.  The same goes for employers.  While many states have protection, many don't and can literally fire people for being trans.

My trans life is very secretive.  Other than this blog and my fetlife account (which does have photos of me dressed up), the only person that really knows about my lifestyle is my wife.  And we wonder why some of us stay in the closet?  It's that horrendous fear that someone in our circle will find out about us and not be on board with supporting our lifestyle.  This could be as tame as simply ignoring the elephant in the room, to full on sabotage of wanting to out us and ruin our lives.  You hear about people only dressing up when they travel and I can see why.  The odds of you running into someone you know is about .001%.  Dressing up in your own area the odds are pretty good.  I blogged about this before.. I decided to wear nails and go grocery shopping, and damned if I didn't see a co-worker shopping there.  Murphy's law isn't just a saying.. if things can go wrong, it will go wrong.

recurring dream?

So I vividly remembered a dream, but what was weird is I didn't remember I had a similar dream until I revisited the same scenario.  So the first dream that I'm now remembering was that I was a drag queen at some bar/restaurant somewhere in a mall.  I don't remember what I was wearing in the first dream other than I had on heels.  This second dream it started out as me walking through the mall with the thought that I was on my way to work but didn't know what the job was.  I looked at my watch and saw that it was 6pm which was when I started... I walked to where I thought my job was, only to find that the store front was covered up.  I was like "what the hell?  Did they close? what's going on?".  I walked around a few times and when I circled back I finally realized that they had covered up the entrance with a giant white wall with a subtle swinging door for the entrance.  Once I walked through there it lead me down a long hallway, and then through the front entrance.  As I walked through the restaurant I could see several drag queens walking around prepping for the night.  For some reason one of the drag queens was William Belli and as I walked by she looked up, said "heyyyy" and did a little jig and I did a jig back.  I walked to the back room where the dressing room was.  I had a coat on to cover up my yellow floral dress, and had on bright yellow nike gym shoes.  I started to get my heels on and get ready to do my makeup.  It felt like a newish job, and I wasn't really sure what my role was.  Was I a performer?  Was I a bartender? A waitress?  Hostess?  I was worried how tiring this type of job of standing for a long time was going to be.

I wondered this morning why I was having a recurring dream about being a drag queen.  I have been super busy lately and haven't really had time for dressing up, so perhaps this was my brain's way of dealing with not being able to do so in real life.

What a weekend, taking baby steps!

So this past friday I got home early as usual.  My wife works from home, but she wasn't going to be done with work for a couple hours.  So I decided to dress up since it was the weekend.  I wore that sunflower top I got from rosegal, a pair of my black lacey pants, my new sandals, wig, earrings, short french manicured false nails..  I felt really good, feeling feminine without being over the top (dress, heels, the usual drill).  I actually had some good cleavage too, like passable.  Wife comes down, sort of surprised to see me dressed up.  She goes "I guess we aren't going to dinner", and I'm like "Why, were you planning on going out?".  To preface that statement, we rarely go out to dinner.  Not because I'm a bad husband, because she doesn't typically enjoy going out.  The times we do "eat out" it's usually me picking it up on the way home, or ordering out.  I half jokingly said "I look pretty good right now, don't tempt me".  she asked "Do you want to?", to which of course I said no.. But felt good knowing she would be ok going out in public with me dressed up.

So after behaving and eating healthy all week, we decided to have a cheat night.  We ordered from a chain fish place through uber eats.  Now I'm still dressed, so of course she asked "Do I need to answer the door?", and I go no.  She's like "are you sure?", and I say yes.  Uber driver comes to the door, it's a spanish looking woman maybe in her mid 30's?  I say "thank you" in the softest voice I can.  I always try to read their face to see if I can read their reaction.  She didn't seem to flinch, not to say she isn't questioning why this giant woman is answering the door.

So then the next morning comes, and my wife decides she wants bbq from the ribfest going on a few blocks away.  I'm no longer dressed but still have my short french nails on.  I drive down, park the car, and walk in not really caring that much if people see my nails.  It's early in the day so there aren't a ton of people either.

Saturday night rolls around, I've had several nails pops off.  For whatever reason, sometimes the shorter nails have more issues than the longer ones.  I believe the curve on the short ones don't match my nails, and therefore there's always a force trying to pry them away.  Lot of people that review nail adhesive on amazon have mixed reviews, and it's because all of them are using different nails.  After I put the longer ones on, I could feel how strong they felt.

Next morning I had to drive her to the airport, long frilly nails still holding strong.  I'm helping get bags out of the back, everyone clearly busy also dropping off family.  I head towards home knowing I'm low on gas.  I stop at a gas station, still nobody looking at my nails.  I stop at an automatic car wash, no weird looks from the attendant.  I stop at the grocery store, grab about 5-6 items, reaching for stuff on shelves, many housewives shopping early in the morning, no weird looks or comments.  I do use self checkout but sort of wishing I had used a human checkout person.

So after reflecting on this past weekend, I'm really feeling that if I continue to take baby steps I can build up my confidence to go out dressed up.  Might start with a car ride, maybe a drive through.. see where it goes from there.

Rosegal (plus sizes).. kinda sucks

So I tried YET another one of those import clothing stores.  Pretty sure it was a facebook ad that showed some cute outfits.  I sprung $70 on 4 items, shipping included.  It shipped in 2 orders, the first one took a week to fullfill, then the usual 10-15 days to get here from China.  Here's the first 2 things:
https://www.rosegal.com/plus-size-t-shirts/plus-size-ruffle-polka-dot-t-shirt-2312750.html

https://www.rosegal.com/plus-size-leggings/3d-jean-print-plus-size-mini-leggings-7347248.html

So the first top is a bit too short, clearly made for someone more petite than me.  The shorts are literally printed yoga like material.. They aren't terrible, but up close it doesn't look nearly as realistic.

So then a week goes by, still haven't received the rest of my stuff.  I contact customer service, they inform me one thing is still on backorder.  They ask if I want to cancel that one thing or substitute for something else.  I find another top to substitute, and they say it'll get swapped out and shipped the next day.  few more days go by, still shows the same items.. Then suddenly it shows shipped, but the substitute isn't in there.  When the package arrives, sure enough they didn't swap it out (which I was pissed off at the time), but receiving it I'm glad it didn't get swapped out.

So the first item is this:
https://www.rosegal.com/plus-size-t-shirts/plus-size-ruched-flounce-peplum-t-shirt-7366543.html

Looks great right?  Looks puffy and cute?  It's not, it's like literally a t-shirt with some frilly fringe attached, looks terrible.

Second top (that didn't get swapped out) I'm totally digging.  Good quality, really cute:
https://www.rosegal.com/plus-size-t-shirts/plus-size-open-shoulder-sunflower-print-keyhole-t-shirt-7384929.html

Would I order again from this company?  Probably not.

3d printed shoes on hold...

I still want to make them, but the sandals I ordered on aliexpress ended up fitting (with a slight modification to the top strap):
https://www.aliexpress.com/item/32968412298.html?spm=a2g0s.9042311.0.0.2a514c4dh5mnTg

In fact I'm tempted to order another pair, maybe one in each color just to have them.

shoes 4 u - part two

So I'm doing it.. and I've realized tracing my foot is stupid because that's not how shoes are made.. So I instead traced one of my sneakers for the shape, and it looked far more normal.  I've also opted to only make a 3" wedge heel to save material.  I'm also printing in sections (bottom chunk, top thin piece).  It's not that different from real shoes.  They have the bottom chunk, the straps get glued to that, then a thin piece is glued on top keeping everything clean.

Because I still don't have a 3d printer big enough to print the entire shoe shape in one shot, I've also had to split it in half (but good enough for proof of concept).  I'll have 1/4-20 bolts going through a chunky center to join the 2 halves.  I don't know how well I'll be able walk in them, but I'm mostly building them to work out all the assembly issues:

So this is what it will look like when printed.  In the base will be brass threaded inserts that get heat-staked into the base, and then screws on top attach the thin top to the bottom:

 This is my strap layout.. one going over at the toes, and then a criss-cross pattern for the rest.  I'd really like a back strap to really lock it in, but again at this point I'm just seeing if this is even feasible.

So last night I printed my first chunk in the front, and I'm using some 3/4" elastic as the straps for now.. I don't want to have to deal with leather right now.  I have to say, even with minimal ribbed walls in the base it feels strong (I was able to walk on it just fine).  There's slight creaking, but I also weigh 300lbs.  Once I have something that works, I would probably opt to add more walls, or possibly fill in all the gaps with that foam you use to seal up cracks in walls.  This should give better support and make it more squishy.  I placed the quarter next to it just to show the scale of how big size 17 womens feet are.

crossdress custom wedge shoes large feet size 16 size 17 size 18

No shoes for you!

So early on in my crossdressing life which was somewhere around 16-17 years old, it became very clear I was going to be stuck wearing womens dress shoes.  I wear a size 14-15 mens, which is 16-17 womens.  Let me tell you there are no manufacturers that make female sneakers in those sizes, nor do they make wedge sandals in that size.  As if fitting in wasn't hard enough, it's even harder when you can't dress casual to fit in.

So I finally said "that's it, I'm going to figure out a way to buy womens casual shoes if it kills me".  I searched aliexpress to see if there's some chinese factory that might cater to this, nope.  Etsy! of course, lots of homemade items on there including shoes.  I contact the 4 sellers on there that seem to cater to such a thing, all of them pretty much say the same thing.  A size 49 Euro doesn't exist as a pattern, and therefore they can't produce in that size.  Now I realize that might be true, but if you're truly a shoemaker wouldn't you try to cater to the customer?  I even offered extra money for the additional material and headache, they still said no.

At this point I'm beyond frustration.  Not being able to buy clothing is like making being transgender illegal.  I got really depressed because while I was pretty sure I was stuck, confirming it makes it much more real.  Then it hit me, I'm an engineer.  I'll make my own dam shoes if it kills me!

Now there are certainly a lot of challenges and uphill battles, the first being that my foot barely fits on a standard sheet of paper.  Size 17 womens means my foot is just over 12 inches long, or 300mm.  However, if I rotate my foot diagonally on the sheet of paper, it JUST fits.  So after I have my foot traced out, I scanned it in, and then I can trace that in a vector program to clean it up.  Once I had my 2D vector file, I imported it into solidworks and started figuring out the best way to turn a flat vector into a heel.  I found that converting it to sheet metal I could add a bend, then I can extrude the chunky underneath.  I cut out a chunk in the center to reduce printing time (because I was sure I wasn't getting it right on the first try), and managed to squeeze it down to a 10 hour print job.  I also had to print at 90% scale since it still doesn't quite fit on my bed (8.5" x 8.5") but figured that was close enough.  This morning I woke up to a finished part on my printer bed

I put my foot over it, and while it's a tad small, it felt like a shoe.  I now realize that the foot has an arch when you extend it, so the flat I modeled is incorrect

I've updated the model this morning, and it's starting to look much closer to a real heel bottom.  Not only is the arch correct, but I also tapered the sides so the bottom is a slightly smaller footprint.

chaturbate - Seeing the before/after SRS

So I've read plenty of stories of people transitioning.  Words are one thing, but to actually see the before/after I have to admit is a little shocking (and not something we normally get to see), until things like chaturbate came about.  I follow anyone that's interesting on chaturbate, I follow about 18 people.  There is a user that goes by the name Ruby Fiera.  I think I only followed her because she seemed classy (good webcam, good lighting, nice background).  Often you'll see her shelf of high heels.  The other day she pops up and I'm like "woah wait a minute, where's her cock"?  I scroll down, had SRS.

So another question that pops into my head.. Do her donations go down?  Seems the audience is usually geared towards seeing a female body with a penis.  Is she now competing with the dozens of other women on chaturbate now?

social media accounts crosslinked - my biggest fear

So I'm starting to subscribe to more transgender videos on my alternate transgender gmail account.  I came across this video that quite frankly spooks me (though the video itself is adorable as it's a transexual girlfriend dating a guy that it would seem has come out as genderfluid).
https://youtu.be/51HbzsFhh04

Anyway, he talks about how he made an alternate Instagram account, and because of the way the algorithm works it makes suggestions of "people you may know".  And since apparently he posted photos of himself in his house, one friend recognized who it was, and told other friends, who told other friends, and before he knew it he was outed.

Now myself, I'm basically on 4 social media accounts that I'm active on:
Facebook (I attempted to make a female persona account, but I knew better because of what facebook is trying to achieve so I gave up on it)
Instagram - I only have one account as my male self
Snapchat - I only have one account as my male self
Twitter - I have my main male account (which I'm rarely ever on any more), I have a specific hobby account that I only follow relevant hobby people/companies, and then I have my female persona twitter account.

Now I will say for the last one, I do in my feeds see suggestions to other people, and I'm guessing that if I see those other people do too.  Since I rarely tweet from either of my male accounts, and twitter seems so dead these days, and even if you WERE active most people don't seek out new random people they don't know, I feel fairly safe.  I suppose if someone really wanted to sleuth me out and figure out that I had a female persona, I would hope most of my friends would accept that part of me.

Getting back to the video though, it is interesting that he says most of his friends "accepted it", however they don't want to know about it or hear about it.  Btw, without clicking try to guess which one is the genderfluid male:

I'm guessing if he worked on his voice, he could be very passable in public.

vagina panties in public

So I decided to go grocery shopping today while wearing them, see how they feel in a public environment.  Honestly in jeans they don't push my butt or hips out very noticeably, but that's not why I wore them.  I wanted that feeling of thicker skin and smooth front while doing a normal activity.  I have to say it was very comfortable, and I did enjoy the feeling.  I could almost see wearing these more often as sort of a way to see if I truly like the different feeling.

I also watched a ton of youtube videos this weekend.  Everything from "my husband came out as trans", to "what it takes to start transitioning", to "nobody told me this is what it would be like".  Lots of great information, and many of it scary.  The common theme I got from all the videos was

It's very expensive - and not surgery, but buying a new wardrobe (already do), buying makeup (already do), going to the salon (I'm good with wigs), Seeing doctors (this is always expensive), and of course the hormones themselves if you decide to go down that path (which you have to obviously take for the rest of your life).

It's a lot of waiting (scheduling an appointment to see a pyschologist, scheduling an appointment to see a doctor, finding the right doctor).

Wives always seem to have to go through a grieving process, though I think my wife is so used to my dressing at home that it would be easy for her.  They also talk about how protective they become, and worry about people attacking you (which my wife definitely has communicated to me).

vagina panties modified, peeing works, tears...

I'm still shaking..  So I knew the 8" long tube wasn't working out, so I took the plunge and chopped off 4-5 inches off of it, just enough to stretch over my tip (I'm a grower not a show-er).  Did a quick test without putting them on, seemed like it was working but I think having them on would help keep things tight.  Probably shouldn't have stood to test but I wanted to see how it was flowing.  So I wore them for about the past 3-4 hours, waiting for my urine to build up again.  I sat down, biased towards the back of the seat, leaned over.. felt the pressure build up, saw some of the precum dribble at first (yes, this apparently turns me on), then it started to come out.  A small stream of pee started to shoot down.  After about 10 seconds of that it faded away, and I had to let my body build up the pressure again.

The second pee was stronger, it felt.. real.  I just stared down, seeing the pee stream come out like a woman, seeing my flat front with no bulge.. more importantly feeling, good.. normal.. Then the emotions hit me, and the crying built up until I was a sobbing mess crying on the toilet for about 5 minutes straight.  It started out with the though of "Oh my god, this is what it feels like to feel normal in my own skin", and I need to clarify that because I don't feel 100% uncomfortable in my male skin, but I definitely don't feel more than 50% comfortable.  I can remember as a kid hating baths, seeing my ball (yes, I either have one testicle or combined testicles) float in the water.  To this day, I still absolutely hate my ball being played with by my wife and she doesn't understand that at all.

Now the second wave of emotion, the reality of what this means.  I had opened up pandora's box, and once it's opened it can't be closed.  I knew I liked wearing these panties around the house because of the flatness and feeling of having hips, but this was on a whole new level.  I liked having a vagina, I still do.  How was this going to change my life?  How far am I going to take this?  Am I going to want to transition?  How is this going to affect my relationship with my wife?

I've actually been watching a lot of videos.. watching transgender women just talk on chaturbate (yes, some do have conversations and don't just masturbate).  Many of them talk about how even though it's much harder to get an erection (and maintain it), they wouldn't want surgery for multiple reasons.  Doctors are hacks, you'll lose feeling, that the penis doesn't make them any less of a woman, etc.  I gotta say, as much as I like the feeling of ejaculation, I've been having some fun with vibrators lately and not cumming isn't the worst thing in the world.  The buildup can feel almost as good.

So I don't know what to think at this point.  I guess I keep exploring the silicone panties and see where it goes.  Maybe that's enough to satisfy me?  All I do know is that wearing these should be a requirement for anyone even thinking about transitioning, it's about as close as you can get to having a vagina without having surgery.

The difference between crossdressing for a fetish, and dressing because it's becoming your lifestyle

Ok I don't know where to begin so I'm just going to start typing.  I hope others discover this blog who are seeking answers.  I never thought this day, or realization would come, but it has.

So pretty much my entire life, fantasizing about being a woman was always a fetish, or kink.  I would partake in whatever activity that felt right at that moment.  Physically crossdress, read transgender fiction, write transgender fiction, just make up a story in my head because it was quicker, watch porn and pretend I'm the girl, try hypnosis to make myself believe I'm a woman.. You name it, I've probably done it.  So here's the difference I'm noticing lately (probably the last few months).  In the past, I would do the deed and then I would be done with it.  Yes, you know what "the deed" is.  I masturbate, and almost immediately the feeling of wanting to be a woman fades.  That's why I called this a fetish, because that's what it was to me.  It was a tool to get me there, and then when the hormones subsided, I felt like I was ok in my male body.  I had no desire to think about it anymore.  In fact often, if there was any sort of female attire whether it be clothes, or nails, or makeup, and I had sex with my wife I would often continue wearing those things so she didn't think that's all there was to it.  I wanted her to think I was truly transgender and that it WASN'T just a kink.  Well, I can honestly say it's not now.  My wife has been traveling a lot lately, and I'm really noticing that even after I masturbate, my feelings don't change that much.  I will continue to shop for female clothes, research makeup tips, voice tips, etc etc.  I shouldn't care about these things, but I do continue to do so.  I don't know where this journey is taking me, but the idea of living as a woman continues to be a thought on my mind.  At home, at work, it's all I can think about lately.  I'm trying make the effort and reach out to locals on fetlife, I'm trying to figure out how I can really pass out in public.  I'm pushing my boundries by not caring about neighbors and delivery people see me in pink.  In fact I took a new step this week.  I know I can't paint my nails without getting looks (especially at work), but I had an epiphany.  I decided to sand my nails real smooth, then put a coat of clear on top.  I figured if anyone asked (and they haven't all week, again reaffirming my suspicion that people aren't nearly as nosey as I imagine), that I could say I decided to get a manicure and they went a little crazy on the polish.  Soo....
1. I love the way the look, the way the light reflects off of them (even if there isn't color).
2. If I don't look down at them, and rub them with my fingers, they feel smooth like acrylic nails which is a great feeling.

They feel so good on my fingers that I decided to also do my toenails which also look and feel good.

breastform experiment - 3d print?

So I won't say I'm unhappy with my breastforms.. I mean at $92 how can I?  I do not however like dealing with the seams (both arms and neck), I don't like how unmatched the color is to my own skin (may fix that if I can figure out silicone painting), and it's still getting warm underneath (and the weather is currently 25 degrees Fahrenheit), I can only imagine how much warmer it's going to feel when it's summer.  I literally have a small blister in one area from how warm it got.  So what are the alternate options?

1. I can buy a cheap set of breastforms that looks like silicone that's been literally vacuum sealed for like $40

2. I can buy slightly better ones for like $150 that have decent silicone material, but they are also very unrealistic looking since they are molded in only 1-2 colors

3. Go all the way and spend $1200 on the best breastforms money can buy:

https://www.realgurl.com/shop/realbreast-standard-one-piece/

My issue with the last one (yes they look amazing with their imperfect skin and feathered edges that blend into the skin nicely) is not only price, but if you pick the wrong skin tone (or you say.. get tan during the summer), it aint going to match.  Sure, maybe I can use makeup to blend it in, but I don't want this hassle.  So I'm seriously thinking about 3d printing my own breastforms just to mess around.  Yes they will be hard plastic (though I can technically print to a rubber material), but they will also cost me less than a dollar each in material to print (5 hours each).  I studied what shape breastforms have, and essentially it looks like a raindrop cut in half.. Soooo, I went ahead and modeled one:

If I want them to look decent, I will likely have to fill in the layer lines with bondo (or at the very least try to fill with a good primer), but here's one good thing about plastic... I have an airbrush system, I can get the skintone to my liking with plain acrylic paint.  It'll be a neat project for me, and looking through thingiverse there doesn't seem to be anything up there like this.. before you say "well of course, they are boobs", you would be amazed at what's up there.  You can print dildos, chastity cock cages, naked female models, etc etc.  I probably won't upload this simply because too many people have my thingiverse address (unless maybe I create an alternate TG account).

As far as applying this to my chest, typically you use a spray adhesive to attach breastforms that run about $30.  I did find this 4 oz bottle of medical adhesive with really good reviews for only $12 on amazon:

https://www.amazon.com/Torbot-Adhesive-Barrier-Hypoallergenic-Latex-free/dp/B00JWSD9JU/ref=sr_1_1?keywords=liquid%2Bmedical%2Badhesive&qid=1552005778&s=gateway&sr=8-1&th=1

Feeling more put together, maybe even passable

So I decided to put on my boobs and vagina panties on tonight.  I just received my choker from the UK etsy store to help blend the line between silicone boobs and my real skin.  With the lace dress I'm wearing, it really goes together (and doesn't look like I'm trying to dress goth)

Looking at myself in the mirror (my photo is cropped for privacy reasons), I've never felt more passable.  If I had on my nails, makeup, and tossed on a purse I feel like I would actually be comfortable in public and I've never had that feeling like.. ever.

Also a side effect, because I feel so sexy (and I'm starting to enjoy the feeling of not feeling the penis bulge), it's starting to be a new turn on.  Like to the point where I'm almost dripping precum, which is making it wet down there like a woman would be, which is only turning me on even more.  Seriously, I've never felt more great in my life than today, and that's saying a lot.

Another new thing I tried tonight, vibrator.. though not an actual one but my toothbrush.  It felt amazing, I've discovered new areas I've never felt before.  It's making me want to buy a real vibrator, but like a good one.  I've had some in the past for pleasing my wife (and one for anal pleasing me), but neither seem that great because it's basically just speed control.  Thinking I want something that ramps up, would feel pretty nice.

I bought a butt - a review

From Aliexpress of course:
https://www.aliexpress.com/item/Roanyer-Crossdressing-hip-enhancer-silicone-Panties-Drag-Queen-Shemale-crossdresser-Transgender-Sexy-buttocks-Soft-Underwear/32858087811.html?spm=a2g0s.9042311.0.0.40694c4dbke6ab

So this is basically the same seller, same medical silicone that stretches like crazy just like the boobs I bought.  This was on sale for $190 when I bought them (I notice that aliexpress sellers fluctuate prices a lot).  As with most of these silicone products, it's usually a good idea too wash them down with soap as they outgas during molding, and this is getting attached to a rather sensitive area of your body.

So right off the bat, the hips and butt were not as wide as I would have liked.  It does add a little bit, but not like the photo is showing (perhaps if I had a smaller frame it would be more proportionate).  It does seem to pull in your stomach a bit, though the top does want to roll down when you bend over.  I opted for the urination pouch.  Yes, you stick your penis in, and you're supposed to be able to urinate through the clit.  At first when I started to push, I noticed that precum was pushing out at first, even making a bubble at first.  Apparently wearing this was turning me on, but it's hard to tell because you aren't getting a boner wearing this.  Now I gotta say it is not easy pushing urine.  I don't know if I have to retrain my brain, or there's so much gap between the end of my penis and the outhole that I'm having to fill that pocket of air with urine before it pushes out.  Ideally they should have narrowed it down to a thinner tube so it's more like your body's urine tube instead of a hose.  Also if you have any gas, you will feel that bubble travel up your back.

So I went to bed with both this and my boobs on (both a first).  I have to say laying down you REALLY feel what it's like to have a female body.  You have your boobs propping you up as you lay on your side, and you feel nothing down below.  It's interesting to put your hand down there and feel no penis, but feel a clit (even if it's fake).  Two things that weren't comfortable with the butt at all:
1. The silicone is really warm, blankets making it worse.  You may even get heat rash in some areas.
2. The hips (even being soft silicone) don't give like your body does, and even though I have a foam mattress it starts to dig in a little bit when you're lying on your side.  I eventually had to pull them off at 5am when the dogs woke us up.

So should you buy a pair?  I'd say absolutely yes.  Cross dressing is one thing, but there is no feeling like your body having a new shape with butt, hips, flat front, and boobs sticking out and making your clothes look correct.  There's also something to feeling aroused and not having it get ruined by a boner.  It's a feeling I can't describe, but it just feels more right.  That feeling was more real when cum was dripping from my clit making me warm down there.

It's Surprisingly Easy to Trick People With a Disguise - crossdressers too?

I visit gizmodo pretty much everyday.  it's transitioned from being strictly a gadget website to a more open forum.  Saw this article pop up today:

https://gizmodo.com/its-surprisingly-easy-to-trick-people-with-a-disguise-1832767214

Sounds like it was fairly scientific, and basically it said just a hair style/color change and different makeup made people unrecognizable.  So it made me think if I was dressed up, would that mean nobody would recognize me?  It's sort of the reason why I don't care if my girl photos are up on fetlife.
A. I don't think anyone would recognize me
B. If they did, I would question why they were on that site

That doesn't mean I automatically pass, there's still the challenge of fitting in with other females and not sticking out, but I guess at least if someone does call you out on it, they won't be able to tell who you are at least.

Kids are still mean

So right on the heels (no pun intended) of pushing myself to want to go out in public dressed, I saw a facebook posting from my wife's ex-coworker who decided to do drag as a full time career a few years ago.  This was her post:

I was sitting in the front of our car in my sparkly pink and purple costume... And big blonde hair as l usually don't do but it had been a long day and while others wear a different uniform when they get off work mine happens to be a bit more flamboyant... Because of my line of work...Two younger kids at 1:30 in the morning happen to see me as a target to mock and make fun of. They threw a snowball at my car and called me a freak, they yelled things at me that became reminiscent of when l was 12 years old in school... Words like faggot and freak... I froze in disbelief and fear...
My husband immediately got out of the car and defended me and told them to leave me alone... The gas station staff also immediately defended me as well...
But that feeling of fear and less than a human immediately came back no matter who was defending me just couldn't stop that feeling....
I immediately burst into tears... You never know what is going to affect you the way it does.
They threw two more snowballs at my side of the car but they might as well been hot coals... As they yelled again "you fucking faggot freak!!"It was idiotic it was just snowballs and hurtful words... But it hurt my heart that this still happens....
Parents please teach your children to.be respectful to all living human beings...I was just a simple man almost 40 Years old finishing my night of work... I didn't deserve to be treated so disrespectful.

Now granted, drag queens are over the top femme (and more recognizable as not fitting the norm), but still.  I can't imagine having an experience like that.  I do have reservations about the kids in my neighborhood.  I get along with like one of them, the rest are jerks like screaming at the top of their lungs, leaving trash everywhere (at one point one of them decided it was fun to smash a glass bottle in the street directly in front of my house) and the mother scolded him and felt embarrassed her son was a jerk.  I suppose if I do start dressing more to the point where I might be going outside my neighborhood, I just hope I'm not recognized and if I am, that they aren't mean like that situation.x

dipping in deeper

So I've been trying to be more active on fetlife, scope out local events.  Someone made a post about having a house party.. sounds like someone is traveling from southern illinois on business and rather than rent a hotel they decided to rent a house.  This sounded so ideal.  Not public, multiple crossdressers.  So I brought it up to my wife, which meant messaging her because I have such a difficult time speaking those words (but typing seems easier even though I know I'm going to have to talk about it anyway).  But once I sent out that message there was no turning back.  So she initially asks me "Why are you asking me if it's ok?", and in my mind I'm thinking she wants to know what's going to go on there.  I say it's for a couple reasons, one because it's just before a work trip she's leaving for.  But then I also say that there might be playing, which is code word for casual sex.  Now when I say sex, I don't mean penetration.  Don't know if I'll ever get to that point, but I have given a handjob and blowjob.  So then she wants to know more about this party, and I say it's on fetlife and they made a post and a bunch of others on the site replied about wanting to attend (who I also don't know).  Her concern isn't about what might go on, but that these are complete strangers and we live in a scary world (and for all I know this person hosting is really a LGBT murderer) which I can't really argue.  I told her I admit I have transgender blinders on and I'm glad we're having this conversation.  In her words "I don't care about your lifestyle, sounds like you're trying to embrace it more, but I want you to come home.. I don't want to have to explain to my family the reason you got murdered at some stranger's house".  So then I tell her about this other event that's public, and she's more ok with that.  In public you're less likely to have something happen, you can slowly build relationships with perhaps people that go regularly.  We actually used to go to these BBW dances, in one case we swung with another swinging couple.  She sort of compared it to that.  She asked if it was open to couples, which it is.  She asked if I wanted to go alone or with her coming.. and I said I wasn't sure.  And she asked why, and I said I wasn't sure if I wanted to go as male or female, but if it was female I would definitely want either her or a friend I've been chatting with on fetlife for support.  I'm absolutely frightened of going out in public dressed at this point (unless it's halloween).  I'd feel more normal if at least one person was there to support me (and I know she would, she gets extremely protective of me if I'm being attacked).  She then asked if she came with if I would want her in girl or butch mode, wanting to know which I'm more comfortable with.  I told her I probably wouldn't care either way, I'd be perfectly ok representing as a "lesbian".  When I'm dressed up I'm definitely in that female mind, but since I know I prefer being with another crossdresser as apposed to just some dude dressed as a dude I guess I'd favor her being more femme.  Only thing is, I know she prefers her tomboy lifestyle but I'm sure if it were for something special like this she would try to dress up more for me.

SO! I'm sort of glad I opened up this pandora's box because I know it's going to push me in the direction I want to be, and I know how she feels.  She's ok with me dressing in public, and playing with others (she's played with other guys/girls in the past), hence it's confirmed our relationship is still open.

tipping point

So I've become very comfortable in my pink pajamas, and wearing nails pretty much every weekend.  Often on the weekends we'll order food through doordash or grubhub.  The shock factor of having strangers see me in pink pajamas has sort of worn off (I mean it is pink plaid, so you could argue it's androgynous.. sort of).  This time my wife was on the phone, and the doorbell rang.  Well I didn't have my usual french manicured nails (which although are long, the color does sort of blend in with skintones).  Nope, this weekend I had on short but very vibrant nails:

It doesn't get much more girly than that.  So this is where I say I'm at my tipping point.  Is it worse to answer the door in pink pajamas and very girly nails (as a boy), or do I leave the wig on and hope I sort of pass as a girl.  I will say the delivery guy handed me the food much more gently than I'm used to, so either he thought maybe I was a girl, or he thought I was transgender and wasn't sure how to react.  I did use a very soft voice since my femme voice isn't that good yet.  Either way, it felt good to have that feeling of "hey, I just let a stranger see me dressed up".  Now although I had a slight 5 oclock shadow, it was night and I didn't turn on any extra lights so I'm guessing it wasn't very visible.

I feel like I have sort of a new adventurous side of me, wanting to push things further.  Since the silicone breast plate worked out so good, I decided to go ahead and order a butt/hip bottom tonight.  I really tried to make that "lovemybubbles" pads work, but they don't stay in place (nor do they really flare out much when you don't have much to start with).  I really want to focus on really trying to pass more, maybe even doing makeup every weekend (at least while it's still cold out and there aren't kids running around).  I'm starting to feel like if I don't express this side of me I'll regret it later.

absolutely addicted to nails

It's rare now that I go through a weekend without putting on nails (and taking them off sunday night).  I know this sounds wasteful, but when you shop around on ebay and get them for between $1-3 a set it's pocket change.  It might take 2-3 weeks for them to get here via slow mail, but so long as you keep a good stock of them it doesn't really matter how long it takes.  I have a seller I consistently buy 4 pairs of french nails at $1 each.
https://www.ebay.com/itm/24PC-Full-Nail-French-Tips-Natural-Finger-False-Fake-Art-Cover-Manicure0/253819258618?ssPageName=STRK%3AMEBIDX%3AIT&_trksid=p2057872.m2749.l2649

I'm REALLY digging the fit and design of these (just bought a few more sets):
https://www.ebay.com/itm/24Pcs-False-French-Full-Nails-Art-Acrylic-Designer-Nail-Tips-Glue-Finger-2018/332509675609?ssPageName=STRK%3AMEBIDX%3AIT&var=541583544243&_trksid=p2057872.m2749.l2649

I'm really starting to get good at typing with them, and other tasks during the weekend.  As with anything the more you practice the better you get (and the more normal it becomes).

New breast plate aliexpress - FANTASTIC!

So like what.. maybe 3 months are so ago I bought a breastplate off ebay.  It was $150, full silicone, but it's the typical kind where it's a criss cross strap that comes around the back and is supposed to velcro back in the front (and actually stay).  I talked about how not only does it not stay, that nothing sticks to velcro (so forget about upgrading the velcro) and that the boobs are so close together it looked completely unnatural.  So here's what that looked like:

Not terrible, but not great.. even if it looked good, it fit like crap (hence why I gutted it and just used the silicone boobs in my bra).  So as I posted before I decide to take the plunge on aliexpress again and try one of their breast plates.  I was worried about fit, yada yada.  So the package comes yesterday, it feels sort of heavy.  I think "did they mess up and give me the silicone one instead of the cotton filled?".  After opening the package I realize the silicone plate itself has some heft to it, and now I'm sort of glad I didn't go full silicone because it would be a lot of weight.  The cotton filling feels really squishy but without the weight of silicone.  I start sliding it down my arms not sure if this is ever going to fit.  Now I'm not saying this goes on like a shirt, the silicone is obviously high friction so you have to be somewhat limber to get the roll that develops on your back to fold down, but once it does it becomes very easy to slip into it.  Oh my god does this version of silicone STRETCH.  I was worried I would be squeezed and suffocated, but other than the neck being a tad tight (but not comfortable) it fit amazing.  Also it looks and felt really good, like it was a part of my body.  I always talk about firsts (first time in a dress, first time in panties, first time in hosiery, first time in heels, first time in makeup), this was definitely a first experience really feeling like I had boobs and it felt wonderful.  Anyway here's a photo of what it looks like:

Now you might say "oh you slut, look at those giant jugs you bought".  Again, I bought E cups because a person of my size (6'4" and 300lbs) would have large boobs like this if I were a woman, and because of the bigger chest it means the rest of it fit nicely (and the boobs are pushed sideways more).  The ones above were so pushed together it looked unnatural.  Not sure I would wear a top like this in public (unless it were Halloween) but I would expect to have a chest this size to fit in honestly.

HRT education on youtube

Went on a strange journey last night.  Started out by watching "female voice" videos.  I think the only way to truly get better is to practice.  Whether that be changing your voice, getting better at makeup, anything you want to get better at it takes practice, practice, practice.  I think I might start listening to female songs in the car and singing along to train my voice muscles to raise my larynx.  I did watch one video talking about how you should swallow and feel for it to get feedback so you can raise it higher.

So I've taken herbal pills as I've blogged about before.  I've come REALLY close to ordering real deal hormones from overseas pills.  No, I didn't consider it again recently but for some reason I decided to search "self medicate HRT" on youtube last night and go interesting results.  Right off the bat I got videos talking about the dangers of doing so.  Now it's one thing to read a bunch of text on message boards with almost no emotion, plus when I read I tend to speed read and skip over things.  It's a completely different thing when you watch a video of someone that has experienced it first hand, getting emotional and very descriptive.  I watched these 3 videos:
https://youtu.be/Wlxf61kKCMQ

https://youtu.be/X5hG7alUpnk

https://youtu.be/6-HeoNZWLvw

The take away I got from them is that it rarely goes well.  Self medicating will likely give you horrible stomach pains, headaches, fainting, and even though professional medicating will make you pee more one talked about how she wasn't even retaining water.  She would take a drink and immediately have to pee it right out (which is scary to think about dehydrating to death).  Above and beyond the possible scary symptoms, things you don't even consider:
1. How do you know if you are even getting what you ordered?  If you're ordering one hormone, you might be getting something similar but is something else
2. How do you know you're getting the right dosage?  These aren't professional doctors, these are likely resellers that got access to overruns that are just looking to make a buck.
3. How do you know these drugs haven't been sitting in a hot warehouse, either making them inneffective or worse have gone bad?
4. How do you know they haven't added something else in them?  For all you know there's arsenic added to them because there's some transgender hater out there trying to genocide as many as they can?

Beyond all of that, they talk about how when they do go off of the hormones (for obvious reasons), and you don't do it gradually, your body raises your male hormones way up to make up for the female hormones you started pumping in your body so you end up worse than you started off.  It's sort of like going on a crash diet, and then you go off of it and your body absorbs all it can to make up for the weight it lost and you end up heavier than you started at.

After watching all of that, I stumbled on this video and it just made me even more depressed:
https://youtu.be/b6Pcna6hySw

Why did it make me depressed?  Perhaps some jealousy of how beautiful she looks, I mean she is absolutely gorgeous.  She looks more female than 90% of women I see today (women don't put nearly the effort into their beauty like they used to), and I only say that because if I was one I would.  But mostly it made me depressed because she talks about how comfortable she feels in her skin like she's never felt before.  That she's never been this happy in her life, talking about how she's dating a guy and is in love with him.  Basically everything we all think about.  And yes I know nobody's journey is easy including hers.  It's not like she took a pill and woke up the next morning like that.  Going to bed last night I had such bad dysphoria I had a really hard time falling asleep, like almost a panic attack.  Best way I could describe it is having a horrible stomach pain, and all you can do is try to focus and avoiding that pain.  The only way I could truly calm myself down was to realize what I did have.  I have a very accepting wife of my crossdressing, I look somewhat decent when I dress up (there are a lot of men that have VERY masculine features on fetlife that don't make convincing women at all).  Then I thought deeply what would truly make me happy.  I know I don't want to transition (at least not live fulltime and have surgery but I have thought about light hormone therapy to help with the dysphoria).  There are too many factors against me to a smooth transition (body issues, career, etc).  If I were self employed maybe things would be different.  Like when you look at people like Jeffrey Star that owns her own makeup company and makes a LOT of money, she doesn't give a shit what people think because she doesn't have to.  She doesn't have a boss to report to, if an employee doesn't accept her, you're fired.  Anyway I think what would truly make me happy is continuing to work on getting myself to pass more and perhaps finally making the journey of leaving the house one day.  I also fantasize about sucking cock.  I met with another crossdresser many years ago and experienced it for a short period, and I can't get that out of my mind.  I love playing with my own cock, and I have a true desire to pleasure other men.  I make lots of friends on fetlife, but nobody seems to want to pull the trigger to meet because we're all terrified of meeting others even though we all need the support of like minded individuals.

been a while, random thoughts

So since my last entry, I've bought a few things.

One thing I've been wanting for a while is a nice comfy pink pajama set.  I have fuzzy pants with pink/black plaid and a cotton top to match.  I've been wearing it a lot this winter as not only is it warm, it feels good to crossdress a little everyday without much effort.  Only thing I don't have are some nice fuzzy pink slippers, but finding them in my foot size has proven difficult.  there are a few options on etsy, but many of it is made to order, and my concern is that by the time it's made and shipped, the cold will leaving and I won't really get to enjoy them.

Secondly, I'm still trying to get into bodyshaping.  I've effectively given up on my breast plate.  It doesn't fit well, the velcro doesn't stay (and the new stronger velcro I bought I can't get to glue onto the silicone even with specific silicone adhesive).  Not to mention the breast plate I bought has boobs that are very close together which isn't realistic.  I have two mounds directly in front that looks very un-natural.  So for the time being I cut the boob chunk away from the straps and have been just using them as breast fillers in my bras (so I have the weight/bounce and fill).  I did take another risk on aliexpress and ordered a breast plate that also goes down below the breast line and up the neck (so you aren't forced to wear a necklace to cover up the line between silicone and your skin).  It's on sale for $99 ($93 with coupon, free shipping) so it's low risk.  I worry I'm going to have issues trying to squeeze this over my body, but the comments claim the new silicone material they use is more stretchy, and there's a couple plus sized customers that posted photos so I think it'll work (Seems like the E-cup is also larger on the chest than the smaller boob sizes).  Now it does have cotton filler in the boobs so there isn't the weight I want, but if it does fit decently and I like it, I may opt to pickup a silicone version for $240, or I may just yank the cotton out and put my existing silicone boobs I cut out inside.
https://www.aliexpress.com/item/Top-quality-E-Cup-Realistic-Silicone-Breast-Forms-Artificial-Boobs-Enhancer-Crossdresser-vagina-for-man-shemale/32823153808.html?spm=a2g0s.9042311.0.0.e1954c4dwNPVAA

I ordered some 2" polyurethane foam off ebay for like $20 to try to make my own butt/hip pads a couple months ago, recently finally finished cutting them.  My shape is decent, but the foam I bought isn't as soft as I would have liked so it doesn't want to contour to my body so well.  2" might also be going overboard on thickness.  Every silicone and foam panties I searched all seem to be china imports with waists that only go up to like a 34".  Now it's entirely possible that's just the non-stretch size and it could still fit, but I'm not very trusting of China's size charts based on experience.  I nearly pulled the trigger on some foam inserts off etsy for $110, but then I stumbled on a website called bubbles bodywear.  They seem to cater to women that just want to enhance their flat shape, but I don't see why it wouldn't work for men that want curves.  What I like about the product is that it seems to have a good transitional look, and the panties actually goes up to large sizes.  Plus I'm going to order extra butt and hip pads to go behind the stock pads to boost shape even more if I don't think it's giving me the shape I want.  Out the door I'm looking at $80 with free shipping (and they take paypal).  This is really about the only solution I've found (and actually fits).
http://www.lovemybubbles.com/padded-hip-butt-panties.shtml

Thirdly, I've been wearing nails on free weekends a lot.  I try to get my shopping done early so I can just hide out at home.  A couple times I've answered the door with long nails for food delivery, and amazingly didn't really get a reaction.  Either the delivery person didn't really notice, or they really just don't care.  This is my small toe dipping into exposing myself to the world, and I'll take it.  One other thing I'm starting to get good at is typing with nails on.  Early on I couldn't comprehend how any women type with nails, but the more I practice the more my body adjusts to these longer appendages and I can almost type as good without nails.